4 Years After Betrayal

Crazy to think that I started this blog 4 years ago. Seems like a really long time ago since my husband did what he did. Altho, some days it feels like yesterday – ahh – nahhh- not really… It feels like it has been years. The first two years were just utterly painful. Then it pretty much got easier and easier for the most part. Thankfully! …Cant say time heels all wounds but with time, we have done so much work on our relationship and our communication that the wounds are just scars at this point. As with a scar, if you keep picking at it, it wont heal. It will continue to re-open and it will bleed again. So there it is, I dont pick at it – ever! I have finally gotten to the point where we don’t talk about the affair anymore. I don’t even throw one-liner jabs at him anymore. The triggers are barely even there or when they do pop in my head, they are there and gone before I even sit and deeply think on them anymore. I don’t want to be reminded of any of it so why speak upon it or think about it. In order to get it out of my life, I had to let it go! I do still read some blogs on affairs and infidelity. I think this is just my comfort zone where I know people have gone through the same shit as me, if not worse, and I have made a few blogging-buds but I dont visit the blogs to re-open my past what so ever.

4 years later and I come in peace!

I will never understand why he betrayed me. I will never like his answers. I don’t think I will ever fully forgive him but it has been 4 years and he has shown me that he IS the man I married for many good reasons, more reasons then bad (yes, the bad ones almost literally killed me) but he really isnt that terrible man that he was being for several years.  I do believe he chose to make mistakes over and over yet I do believe that he is terribly sorry for them. There is no need to beat him up or he beat himself up for it anymore. I trust him again. Its not blind trust, like where I would have bet the Dow-Jones that he would never do that to me, but I dont check his phone or even worry about it anymore. When he was messing up back then, there were signs that I just didnt want to believe. If I ever  had any questioning at this point, I will go with my gut, not his words. With that said, he never gives me a reason to even question what he is up to so we are all good.

4 years since my husbands trashy-ass infidelity and we are finally…

…Happily Ever After ❤

 

Blast Off??

You can search anyone now and days and pretty much find some-sort of info on an individual. Shoot – I even have a nice lil mug-shot online after blasting the scuzzy homewrecking whore with a soda. LOL snicker- snort 😀

…I cant help but wonder tho…

Should I??

Should I put the scuzz bucket on shesahomewrecker.com??

People should know right? People should know that this slut has no morals, shes missing integrity. That she will make you feel sorry for her and her kids.  Will tell you how much she is your best friend and how much she is there for you…as she is sucking your husbands dick and trying to be you. Jealous much? ;P  She reeks of deceit and alcohol induced b.o.  She filters and edits her pics to make her look like something that she really isn’t. – then sends them to anyone and everyone who will give her attention.  Its like – here is a piece of shit, lets spray it with some perfume- might smell a touch better, but ..still shit…right 😛

The trash recently had the bar she works at raise money for her car window that was broken (I told you a couple posts back that she drives a real hunk-of-junk – fits right for a junky person tho). Anyways – People actually donated to the cause but would they have if they REALLY knew what they were donating to??

This is a low life who not only sleeps with married men but who has made a life-style out of getting assistance from the state. Who drinks and drugs every weekend. When she couldn’t get enough cash together, she would sell her foodstamps for a bottle or a bag. But the pitiful bitch cant fix her car window cuz she is too broke…? …

Should I inform people and put the worthless bitch on blast or should I just sit back and smile as she gets treated like the sad charity case that she is?….

Either way – I kinda get the last laugh…

 

 

 

The End

 

High five bud! WE are fucking awesome!

We have weathered storms.

Created superstars

Fought crock-a- dillies 😛

Moved Mountains

Been to hell and back…

Our journey has been real! (for the most part) – on my behalf it was 100!

WE have put on quite a show, but now the curtains closing

I know I am no longer treating you right – u deserve better and so do I. I don’t even like how I treat you anymore – even if it is a reaction to an action.

I have way too much love and respect in my heart for you, for us, for our family

I refuse to go out like that. I refuse to go down in flames.

Lets go out with some pride and dignity.

Lets be that couple who doesn’t end in hatred. We end with love.

Please lets do this nicely. Proudly. With our heads held high. We failed at marriage but lets not fail as parents. This is going to be the hardest on them. I just want to slowly part ways without just throwing it in their faces. We have 10+ years with each other. There is a lot to sort out. No need for hostility. Do your part as a father and I will do mine as a mother – no need to even involve courts – that is not my motive.

WE should actually be very proud of ourselves.

Who would have ever thought we would make it as long as we did??…

When we first got together – we were just kids.

You, my dear husband are my favorite mistake and most definitely my hardest goodbye!

_________________________________________________________

As you all can see… I have decided to walk away from my marriage. His infidelity played a huge roll in my decision, but it wasn’t all of it. Before his disgustingness came out, we had problems. I thought they were just everyday life problems, problems that I could handle and that we would always move forward from. but now, now that I have had to dissect every thing, I no longer see the rest of my life with him. The little problems, on top of infidelity is just too much for me to live with. I mean I could live with it but I don’t think I will ever feel “ful-filled” I will feel like I am just settling. Cheating to me always was a deal breaker. I tried to work through it, excuse it, forgive it, whatever… in the end… it was still my deal breaker…

I don’t know how to say any of this to my husband. I know he is going to make this hell on me.  I don’t want to go into great depths about our shortcomings or anything like that. I don’t want to cry about any of it anymore. I just want to get it over with. But why -Why does it have to be so hard to say goodbye!!???? Is this too much to ask ??

Go Funk Yourself

Lately, I have been in a funk..

The smelly aftermath of infidelity funk.

16 months later and I am still feeling funky.  I shake it off for the most part, but it is only temporarily. Every few days or so and there it is again – this funkiness…

The “eff you” and “eff this” funk, I’ve learned to handle this. When something “triggers” my memory and I think funk you, funk you, your cool …Im out funk. LOL This funk comes and goes daily. But at least the funk is here and gone in a quickness cuz I cant stay in the “funk the world” mood for long cuz being a bitter bitch sucks!

However, the should I stay or should I go funk. The constant limbo.This one has really been getting to me.  I can honestly say I just don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be with my man for the rest of my life, but now that he has betrayed me, I am not sure how I feel about being with him for foreverrrrr.  Sounds way too long, if heartbreak is involved anyways….My husband and I are both 31 years old and for infidelity to have already taken place so early on, I cant help but question if my husband has it in him to stay monogamous in the future. Now I’m not saying he is going to go cheat on me right away but to say he will remain faithful to me for another 10, 20, 30 + years … sounds too good to be true or at least questionable and I just don’t think I can be that vulnerable again, with him especially, beings as he hurt me more than anyone could have. I just don’t know…

WHAT THE FUNK!!?

I have given myself a deadline. Yes, 2 years from D-day (cuz that’s what therapists say is a good amount of time). If I have not 100%committed myself to fully staying in the marriage, if I can not find some-sort of forgiveness within me…I will exit myself to the left and no longer fake the funk!

Sorry Not Sorry

I know that my husband is extremely sorry for all of this.

Sorry he lied.

Sorry he broke his vows.

Sorry he betrayed us.

Sorry he hurt his family.

and yes, sorry he got caught.

I truly believe him when he says it. I see it. I feel it – the remorse in his actions. He is so different now. There is a sincerity in his eyes when he looks at me that is meaningful.

…Makes me sad though…

I just don’t have that same empathy towards him.

All one really has is their “word”. And now when he speaks, there isn’t enough value for me. I hear the words that are coming out of his mouth, yet they don’t hold the same meaning to me anymore. They are just words…

I feel bad!

I don’t know how to be vulnerable again.

I mean, my husband has done pretty much everything that could be expected when it comes to repairing our marriage due to his infidelity, yet, its just not good enough. Is it ever going to be? OR is he just not good enough for me anymore??…

I don’t punish him anymore. Or so I don’t think I really do anyways. I don’t discuss it or ask details anymore. (Not even when I am drinking. Since my last post a month or so ago I have tamed thy alcohol induced mouth). Our home life is actually calm again. We are communicating very well, openly and honestly. Our sex life is two thumbs up.

What the hell more can I ask for??

Is it me? Do I not know how to “let it go”? Why can I not accept that he IS sorry and believe that this won’t happen again?

Why can I not forgive him??

At times I feel sorry for him because he is truly sorry and he is trying his hardest to fix all the damage he has done..

but then I think of it all, all what HE has done and how we wouldn’t be in the position if it wasn’t for him in the first place…

and…. then…

there I am

Sorry, not sorry!!

STFU!

…I am beginning to see a pattern…

I am good about not talking about his affair, not saying that I don’t occasionally bring it up here or there with some little jab but all in all, I pretty much don’t speak about it. However, after the work week, I like to indulge in some cocktails on the weekends. I am noticing that when I get a few cocktails in my system, lately, I have not been able to tame thy mouth. Actually, far from it. I have been spitting venom.  It’s like – I just want to get into the little mind of his cheating brain and figure out with the fuck he was thinking. And yet, when I am sober, I soooo don’t! Actually, I want just the opposite because I know I could never think or care so little to do what a cheater did/does. It’s all just too selfish and distasteful for me.

So, I think I am kinda stuck on my healing process.

Ya, I could never have a cocktail again… But that is dumb. I don’t have a problem with alcohol, so please spare me the lecture. I do however, enjoy a cocktail on the weekends. I just don’t know why I cant keep my mouth shut lately, while I am having a cocktail.

I know I am far from forgiving my husband. But I know I want to someday. And I know by me trying to figure out what went on in his puny lil brain of his while he was being such a pos to me isn’t doing me any good. It isn’t doing us any good. I keep reopening the wound. I don’t like it at all!

And truth is, we have gone over it over and over again, so why cant I just completely let it go!? There is nothing new to be told. He fucked some trailer park trash several times and then continued to entertain the idea for quite sometime after. IS WHAT IT IS! I cant change it. I get it..

So STOP T! Stop replaying it over and over again. Stop thinking – shoulda, coulda, woulda. And stop – stop asking WHY!! It really makes no difference anymore. We are working through it, quit stepping back into the FUNK!

I guess – just one more thing to work on……

I’m ALIVE

Holy Guacamole!!

Its been a year!

A whole freakin year since the wrath of his affair wrecked havoc on my life.

I cant call it D-day because even though its the day I first found undeniable proof that my husband was sexually engaging with a scabby whore, the whole truth was trickled through out several months, not just one specific day. I mean obvi I found out he was fucking her ..and him.. (oh my fucking god) but details, times, sexting, and the extent of all of the disgusting betrayal came in bits and pieces. I’m sure if I still wanted to “dig” I would even find out more to this day.

This year sucked ass!! To put it mildly.. literally been to hell and back. (or am I even back yet) HA

But as of right now…today..

I don’t obsess over the affair anymore. Of course I have weak moments, every effing day where something triggers me, but it is a thought that is quickly there and gone. I refuse to let it fester in my mind anymore. I cant change it so why think about it. I don’t mention it to my husband anymore. He knows! He knows when he or I say something, that if it “triggers” any of his disgustingness, he rewords it and we just try and change it, change the convo to a more positive outlook. I don’t even have to say anything anymore. Nor do I want to. I am over throwing things in his face (or at him – literally) LOL. I can only beat him up for so long before it back fires. That time has come. Besides, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore, much less ever think about it again.

Shockingly, I am still married. I still love him – for many different reasons. However, am I in love with him?… I like to think that I still am. Actually,  would say that I am still, but I am trying to take the time to define and discover what that even really means, what it means to me anyways. I got with my husband when I was so young, I am unsure if I even know what being in love really is. At times, he knows just what to say to take a girls breath away. But, I dont get those butterflies in my tummy anymore. I dont feel as special. And unfortunately, he is not as special to me. I still question myself if staying with him through such betrayal is the right decision … I wonder if I am staying with him because I know nothing else. I think I am scared to be on my own. I moved out from my moms house straight in with my husband so I have never been alone. And yet, although I am scared, I also find it intriguing. So I ask myself, “exactly how much are you going to accept because you are afraid of the unknown?” I have yet to discover that answer so I try not to dwell on it but silently I am searching for the right answer to satisfy me…

Do I trust my husband? Meh. Obviously I wouldn’t put it past him to fuck someone else. Do I think he will do it anytime soon? No. Do I think he is seeing the scuz buckets – nope, I hope not. I am not psycho anymore. I don’t track his every move, phone calls, text messages, internet use, anything like that anymore. I haven’t for several months now. I can’t live like that. More then anything…I have learned to trust MYSELF! If things start to get too questionable in regards to my husband and me…I am going to go with my instincts instead of his words.

I am just taking things day by day. Things are good in our relationship, for the most part. I just dont really see a future in it. Yes, that makes things hard when my husband or I will say something in regards to future planning. I play-pretend, but in the back of my head, I am not thinking that far ahead. Would be nice to regain that “tunnel vision” but at this point, its just not there.

At this moment in time…I am doing some serious soul searching. Working more on me instead of only on us.  I have lived for my husband and for my kids for the past 10 years.  I didn’t really have a whole lot of time for just lil ol’ me. I wasnt that selfish, unless it was something that would benefit all of us in the end. My kids and husband always came before my needs. And my kids will always continue to do so.  I have always made time to make myself look good or what not, but I am talking about deeper things than just appearance. My likes and dislikes, how to change my own self (where things need changing), where I want to be in “X’ amount of years, how am I going to get there…just growing in general and what makes me happy. I am learning “what can I do for me” instead of always “what can I do for you”. I have always been a person who sets goals and will achieve them come hell or high waters. So here I am. Setting new goals and trenching the water to make them happen to become exactly who I want to be. Not because I am doing it for anyone else. Simply..just for me.

I look at everyone and everything with a different perspective. Things aren’t always as they appear. It took me almost the full year to re-identify the things and people I am thankful for and blessed to have in my life. I can see it all again and more importantly I can feel it as well. I fell off for an entire year, but I am back. I am forever changed but I can finally say I have accepted the change and now I am owning it and making it my bitch! 😛

So you ask…”One year since discovery of your husbands affair, how are you doing??” …

I can thankfully say..

I am whole hell of a lot better!!!!!!!

Love is Blind

If you love someone, you cannot see faults in that person … pshh! Bullshit! Cough cough!

It’s not that I couldn’t or can’t see faults in my husband, its that I love him enough to look past them and accept him either way.

THROUGH BETTER OR WORSE

I try and reassure myself (some days are better then others) that we will figure things out because we love each other and true love is powerful so no matter what it is that we need to accomplish, it will be a battle won, as long as we are working together. No matter what it be, I love him and he loves me … that is enough to conquer the world!

My husband and I – seriously – we were ride or die. Like Bonnie and Clyde. LOL Cliche’

Unfortunately, I had his identity wrong.  I was his Bonnie and he was my Jekyll and Hyde. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.. but now that he has been identified.. and … I went to the Optometrist and took those -rose-colored glasses off and exchanged them for some stunna shades… we are a whole different duo. A force to be reckoned with! Team work makes the dream work baby! hehe

…

Dang tho, when did love become so much work??  Oh , thats right, when my husband decided to be a POS and fuck some trailer park Barbie. Don’t worry though, I’m not pointing the finger and blame shifting. True reconciliation means I am no longer playing the pity party and accepting my part as to why my husband stuck his dick in some blown out fish hole. LOL (yup couldn’t help myself) bahaha

But…point being..

I AM blinded by love. I don’t have to see my husband to know that he loves me, I feel it. And what I feel in my heart does not need eyes to see. It is undeniably – heartfelt. It may not be based on trust or honesty at this moment (but those will be rebuilt), so for now I accept it with hope and faith (and genuine remorse).

I continue to love him with all my heart and allow him to love me with all his. And that alone, makes this little heart happy!

“Love not with your eyes but with your mind, Obvious really because true love is blind!”

Once Upon a Time…

Yesterday was not my best day. Glad its over actually. I used to not be that type – the type to wish the time away because that is something you can never get back …time. But since finding out about my husbands affair, I just want time to pass so I could move on from the hurt and anger that is constantly taking over my mind. I keep telling myself not to do anything irrational. Not to go fuck someone else just to pay him back – just give it time. Don’t go file for divorce – time will tell whether I can forgive and go forward with our “marriage” or time will tell me to move the fuck on.

This time last year, everything was so different. I didn’t know about the affair, I mean, I had questioned it prior but we weren’t hanging out with Crusty or Scuz so they were irrelevant to our lives. Basically out of sight, out of mind. I was happy I guess knowing, but not knowing – if that makes sense. Sometimes, I wish I never had found out the truth, I mean, I already knew in my heart, yes, but I didn’t know details, and once the full affair was told, I couldn’t undo what I knew, and I hate the images that replay in my head. I hate that. And I am constantly rethinking each time I questioned my husbands actions, oh how I would have handled things so different now. Unfortunately, I believed in my man. I will never have that type of faith in someone again – except for my kids – I still and always will believe in them!!

The holidays are coming. I am usually all about them – this year I feel like being the Grinch who stole Christmas, but for my kids sake, I am gonna suck it up. I know there is a time and place for everything and the holidays are an important part of memories in life. I wish my husband would have thought about that when he decided to have his first threesome with another male and a whore on the 4th of July, I truly never want to celebrate the 4th with my husband again. The holiday is now tainted. I love the 4th of July too – fucker! Getting the family together, grilling out some good grub, enjoying the day through the evening, then staring at the beautiful fireworks reminiscing on this wonderful life. I still feel that way, unfortunately then I think about my husband fucking them two and coming home, didn’t even shower and came and slept with me – now that fucks up my holiday memory. And then in November, through thanksgiving, he decided to fuck them both again. A Happy fucking Thanksgiving memory huh!

I know that miracles take time. And for my marriage to be honestly happy, its gonna take a lot of work. Time is either going to work for us or against us because this time, I am not going to waste any time thinking about someone who doesn’t even think twice about me.

This is a rough time in my life but I am trying to stay focused on the new times in my life, by creating good times, and then hopefully someday I will never even think about the bad times.

Time is limited.

Time is priceless.

Time / timing is everything.

With all this said..

There is always time for a glass of wine 🙂

Cheers to the freakin weekend!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life..

Today is day one. The first day of my blog, where I can unleash the beast! 😛

It is important to share my reason for being here..

I could go on and on with our love story but in order to sum many years up and get to the main point of this blog (my husbands affair and how I am dealing with it) .. I am gonna do my best to make a long story short..

I have been married for 8 years and have been with my husband for 11-12 years. We were both pretty young when we hooked up, about 19 years old. I am now 30 and so is my husband. The beginning of our relationship was wild and crazy. We were young dumb and full of cum 😛 A couple years into it (I had just turned 21) and I became pregnant with our first child – our handsome little boy who is absolutely freakin amazing!! (Seriously though). We got married in August of 2006 and I delivered our baby boy in December of 2006. We bought our first home in 2007. The next couple years were spent building a strong foundation to our home and enjoying our new little family. By 2010, we had started going out more and partying with a specific couple quite often. We shall call the two Crusty and Scuz. Crusty was my husbands gamer friend so while they gamed, I would drink with Scuz. I was warned not to trust the bish though, but of course I had to learn the hard way. Big mistake! After hanging with those two it became quite apparent that Scuz was an unfaithful attention whore. She would constantly take her shirt off and be hanging her boobs out, didn’t matter where she was. Her boyfriend actually even encouraged it. I didn’t really think that much of it at first though because she has 5 kids and her boobs are saggy, lop-sided and grose, not much to look at so no reason to get insecure. After a while though, she got way sloppy. She came to one of our house parties without Crusty and sucked a couple of my husband friends off. She then needed a ride home and I was ready for her to go. My husband always put her down talking about what a whore she was and how her loopy titties did nothing for him so when he was going to give her a ride, I really didnt think much of it. Besides I thought I could trust my husband. When he returned, I couldn’t help but ask if she had sucked his dick but of course he said hell no. We then had sex and moved on. The beginning of 2011, I found out I was pregnant with our second child and unfortunately, my husband found out he had cancer. Let’s just say 2011 was a bit rough for both my husband and I. And Scuz was pregnant in 2011 (not with my husbands child – oh thank god!) – so we didn’t hang out at all because honestly, that is the only time we all hung out together anyways was when we were getting faded. Then 2012 came. I thought things in life were finally getting back to “normal – no more pregnancy hormones and my husbands cancer was in remission. Unfortunately, we started hanging out with the trailer trash again and things got weird real quick. Crusty and Scuz were constantly asking/ begging to watch me and my husband have sex. I just wasn’t into it – not my thang. Really I didn’t even want to hang with them at all but my husband did. I would ask my husband if he wanted her and he would always reassure me that there was no way he would get with such slop however, there were little signs that I could not ignore but when confronted, he always had a way to talk me out of my feelings. There would be times when I would be ready to leave Scuz and Crusty’s stinky trailer and my husband would refuse so I would just leave him there – what was I thinking!? By the end of  summer 2012 – I refused to hang with them what so ever. Shit had just gotten so weird. In November, I had to go to AZ to meet with some family, my husband stayed home but he swore on his kids that he wouldn’t go to their trailer – I had made it very clear by then that I didn’t trust Crusty or Scuz. By 2013, Scuz was no longer a part of my life. I had distanced myself from her completely. My husband and Crusty still gamed together online so they still had some communication but he was no longer forcing the situation for us to go over to their trailer and drink. I had several conversations with my husband making him very aware that I didn’t believe that he hadn’t fucked around on me with them but if he would just be honest there would be no repercussions – he almost admitted but never did. With no physical proof I eventually let up on the subject. Summer 2014 came around and my husband and I had gone out. We weren’t getting along so great so when we got home I just went to bed. When I woke up his phone was next to me and there it was  – a message from Scuz asking my husband if he wanted to fuck. My heart dropped!! I woke my husband up with shit flying at his head. LOL The next few months were an undefeated war. Every time I questioned anything through out the years- I was so right! And yes, he was having three-somes with Crusty and her. I fuckin knew it!! I mean I never thought my husband liked men but when shit got weird with all of them, I definitely wasn’t putting it past him. In 2010, she came on to him and of course, he was a sucker. The full blown affair then took place in 2012. And yes, he fucked both of them in November, when I went to AZ, even after swearing on his kids that he wouldn’t go over to their dirty ass trailer. And let’s not forget to mention, their five kids were crammed in a tiny room as they were all doing their nasty things. WINNING! And to think.. those disgusting people would constantly be trying to convince my husband to get me to join after they finally got him to be apart of their filthy ways .. yuck!! Fowl play! LOL! Sick twisted fucks right!?

My husband has apologized numerous times, infinity will pry never be enough. I wouldn’t be trying to rebuild our marriage if he didn’t show some sort of remorse though. I still just don’t know. Not sure what I am expecting out of our so called marriage anymore. We really did have such a good life together and, those aren’t just my words, those are others words and my husbands as well. My husband claims he just fucked up, that it was a bad time in his life. Oh bleh.

Now… here I am ….

Welcome!