Sorry Not Sorry

I know that my husband is extremely sorry for all of this.

Sorry he lied.

Sorry he broke his vows.

Sorry he betrayed us.

Sorry he hurt his family.

and yes, sorry he got caught.

I truly believe him when he says it. I see it. I feel it – the remorse in his actions. He is so different now. There is a sincerity in his eyes when he looks at me that is meaningful.

…Makes me sad though…

I just don’t have that same empathy towards him.

All one really has is their “word”. And now when he speaks, there isn’t enough value for me. I hear the words that are coming out of his mouth, yet they don’t hold the same meaning to me anymore. They are just words…

I feel bad!

I don’t know how to be vulnerable again.

I mean, my husband has done pretty much everything that could be expected when it comes to repairing our marriage due to his infidelity, yet, its just not good enough. Is it ever going to be? OR is he just not good enough for me anymore??…

I don’t punish him anymore. Or so I don’t think I really do anyways. I don’t discuss it or ask details anymore. (Not even when I am drinking. Since my last post a month or so ago I have tamed thy alcohol induced mouth). Our home life is actually calm again. We are communicating very well, openly and honestly. Our sex life is two thumbs up.

What the hell more can I ask for??

Is it me? Do I not know how to “let it go”? Why can I not accept that he IS sorry and believe that this won’t happen again?

Why can I not forgive him??

At times I feel sorry for him because he is truly sorry and he is trying his hardest to fix all the damage he has done..

but then I think of it all, all what HE has done and how we wouldn’t be in the position if it wasn’t for him in the first place…

and…. then…

there I am

Sorry, not sorry!!

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13 thoughts on “Sorry Not Sorry

      • I’m about the same time frame. My dday was March 24, 2014. I see my husband as well doing all he can to make things right, but all I can think of is what’s he’s done. I don’t know how to let it go either. I guess I just miss the old marriage, the old me. I don’t want to be a bitter old woman who resents her husband.

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      • Right. I can accept being a broken bitch over the situation, for NOW, as well as he can and does, but I refuse to STAY that bitter bitch for long. I cant live like this forever.

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      • I agree. I’ve even accused him of just staying around, telling me this is what he wants, saying all the right things until our youngest is 18 just so he won’t have to pay child support. Sometimes I don’t trust a damn thing he says. But honestly should he blame me for not trusting him?!?

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  1. I go through what I call my “episodes” where I just can’t be sympathetic/empathetic towards my husband. The pain, the memories, the anger… it all just boils up inside me and all of the apologies and remorse mean nothing. I eventually move past each episode and calm down a bit. In reading this post all I could think to myself was …. Don’t be sorry for him. Be sorry for YOU. All of the sympathy, empathy, compassion, etc should be directed towards you. You don’t need to be sorry for anything. If anything you should be applauded for your strength over these last 15 months. xoxo

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  2. Thank you for your comment Woundedraven. I am past the feeling of being the “victim” or playing the pitty party. And I too can even see where I lacked in our relationship (still no excuse or reason to fuck some scab). I just see this man who knows he has fucked up and has done anything and everything to repair the damage, yet, here I am, feeling like this cold hearted bitch cuz I don’t comfort him the way I should. I am not as thankful, grateful or happy. Its just a shitty situation and I cant help but wonder if I am ever going to value him or my marriage ever again? I mean 15 months out, when am I going to feel that security, that love, the comfort again?? If ever…??? Come on now, we are all only human. People make mistakes…what is wrong with me that I cant figure out how to forgive…

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    • I don’t know what forgiveness is.. because I grieve still in different ways for me so not sure what forgiveness for him really looks like.. I guess I just focus on forgiveness for myself for falling for such an inept relational person.. I should have know the signs were all there.. I just didn’t think they mattered..

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  3. I’ve been feeling this exact same way. I’m around the same time frame as you post dday. I don’t know that anything he does will be good enough. I am questioning if there is nothing left or if I just won’t allow him in. It’s very confusing. Hope you find clarity soon.

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  4. Isn’t it strange that I weirdly would almost like to be in your situation, awful as it is. I would at least like the chance to see that my husband was sorry and wanted to try and make things right. I do think my husband is sorry but he doesn’t have the capacity to make things right and has instead walked away. I hope it all works out for you whatever happens X

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    • Oh I totally understand what you are saying. I too wanted the CHOICE of staying together or divorcing. My husband tried to run away as well. I am glad he ended up facing what he did but 18 months later and I still don’t know if I ch0ose to stay or go…..I really wish you the best of luck tho!

      Liked by 1 person

      • So much of your posts resonate with me. I think it’s tough either way. I wish mine would face up to it before it really is too late. He probably never will but there you go, I am his greatest loss.

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