I’m ALIVE

Holy Guacamole!!

Its been a year!

A whole freakin year since the wrath of his affair wrecked havoc on my life.

I cant call it D-day because even though its the day I first found undeniable proof that my husband was sexually engaging with a scabby whore, the whole truth was trickled through out several months, not just one specific day. I mean obvi I found out he was fucking her ..and him.. (oh my fucking god) but details, times, sexting, and the extent of all of the disgusting betrayal came in bits and pieces. I’m sure if I still wanted to “dig” I would even find out more to this day.

This year sucked ass!! To put it mildly.. literally been to hell and back. (or am I even back yet) HA

But as of right now…today..

I don’t obsess over the affair anymore. Of course I have weak moments, every effing day where something triggers me, but it is a thought that is quickly there and gone. I refuse to let it fester in my mind anymore. I cant change it so why think about it. I don’t mention it to my husband anymore. He knows! He knows when he or I say something, that if it “triggers” any of his disgustingness, he rewords it and we just try and change it, change the convo to a more positive outlook. I don’t even have to say anything anymore. Nor do I want to. I am over throwing things in his face (or at him – literally) LOL. I can only beat him up for so long before it back fires. That time has come. Besides, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore, much less ever think about it again.

Shockingly, I am still married. I still love him – for many different reasons. However, am I in love with him?… I like to think that I still am. Actually,  would say that I am still, but I am trying to take the time to define and discover what that even really means, what it means to me anyways. I got with my husband when I was so young, I am unsure if I even know what being in love really is. At times, he knows just what to say to take a girls breath away. But, I dont get those butterflies in my tummy anymore. I dont feel as special. And unfortunately, he is not as special to me. I still question myself if staying with him through such betrayal is the right decision … I wonder if I am staying with him because I know nothing else. I think I am scared to be on my own. I moved out from my moms house straight in with my husband so I have never been alone. And yet, although I am scared, I also find it intriguing. So I ask myself, “exactly how much are you going to accept because you are afraid of the unknown?” I have yet to discover that answer so I try not to dwell on it but silently I am searching for the right answer to satisfy me…

Do I trust my husband? Meh. Obviously I wouldn’t put it past him to fuck someone else. Do I think he will do it anytime soon? No. Do I think he is seeing the scuz buckets – nope, I hope not. I am not psycho anymore. I don’t track his every move, phone calls, text messages, internet use, anything like that anymore. I haven’t for several months now. I can’t live like that. More then anything…I have learned to trust MYSELF! If things start to get too questionable in regards to my husband and me…I am going to go with my instincts instead of his words.

I am just taking things day by day. Things are good in our relationship, for the most part. I just dont really see a future in it. Yes, that makes things hard when my husband or I will say something in regards to future planning. I play-pretend, but in the back of my head, I am not thinking that far ahead. Would be nice to regain that “tunnel vision” but at this point, its just not there.

At this moment in time…I am doing some serious soul searching. Working more on me instead of only on us.  I have lived for my husband and for my kids for the past 10 years.  I didn’t really have a whole lot of time for just lil ol’ me. I wasnt that selfish, unless it was something that would benefit all of us in the end. My kids and husband always came before my needs. And my kids will always continue to do so.  I have always made time to make myself look good or what not, but I am talking about deeper things than just appearance. My likes and dislikes, how to change my own self (where things need changing), where I want to be in “X’ amount of years, how am I going to get there…just growing in general and what makes me happy. I am learning “what can I do for me” instead of always “what can I do for you”. I have always been a person who sets goals and will achieve them come hell or high waters. So here I am. Setting new goals and trenching the water to make them happen to become exactly who I want to be. Not because I am doing it for anyone else. Simply..just for me.

I look at everyone and everything with a different perspective. Things aren’t always as they appear. It took me almost the full year to re-identify the things and people I am thankful for and blessed to have in my life. I can see it all again and more importantly I can feel it as well. I fell off for an entire year, but I am back. I am forever changed but I can finally say I have accepted the change and now I am owning it and making it my bitch! 😛

So you ask…”One year since discovery of your husbands affair, how are you doing??” …

I can thankfully say..

I am whole hell of a lot better!!!!!!!

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16 thoughts on “I’m ALIVE

  1. Your feelings are the same feelings I have. When he talks the “future” I just pretend. I love my husband, but I just don’t know about the future. “I dont get those butterflies in my tummy anymore. I dont feel as special. And unfortunately, he is not as special to me. I still question myself if staying with him through such betrayal is the right decision … I wonder if I am staying with him because I know nothing else.” <——–exactly how I feel. We're going on 8 months since he flat out told me he was having an affair with her. I often wonder if I'd still be in the marriage if I wasn't getting what I need emotionally (feeling special, etc) from someone else? (I know you are not doing the same as I am, though). Little annoyances that I could have brushed off before, bother me so much now. I'm putting my own needs ahead of my husband's needs a lot more now, which is why I think I feel no guilt for my own affair. My husband flat out refuses to give me what I need emotionally and physically (not sexually, mainly affection) and wants to pretend his affair never happened – he thinks I should just forget about it because, "obviously", he's never going to do it again, so things can be back to the way they were – which is all about him and nothing about me…I just can't live that way anymore, which is why I think it was so easy for me to turn to Dave…

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  2. Glad you are in a better place. And being honest about where you are now. My year will be early September. I’m in a pretty similar place. I question if I love him. I question what love is. I’m not afraid of being alone, its actually appealing at times. We both moved out of our parents houses and in with each other, so I know how that is. My biggest issue right now is trust. I don’t trust that I’ve gotten the whole story. Its a daily struggle of wondering if I need the whole story vs feeling like I deserve the whole story and if he’s still lying I don’t want to be with him.
    I’m glad that you have found your voice and are making time for yourself. It truly is the only way out of this mess.

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  3. Glad to see this. I feel the same way. Your post hit the nail on the head for me. Not sure if I feel the same anymore. Even after the last year of blood, sweat and tears of loving him so much so he can see what he was doing to us, now I’m not sure if it is worth it. I wake up every morning having to choose forgiveness to get through my day. I don’t trust yet either. Not even close…

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    • “I wake up every morning having to choose forgiveness”… yup, I feel ya! Honestly tho, I don’t fogive my husband what so ever still. I just am moving on by no longer throwing jabs at him or having “talks” about it. It just hurts me to even know more of the truth and it seems like there is always something more. Even though he is sorry , now, I had to fight so hard to get the truth or to even see true remorse that now, I am really questioning if I even want him or our marriage at all…

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      • I had to fight hard for the truth as well. Even after the affair was over I was still getting bits and pieces 4 months, 6 months, 9 months later. I am questioning myself and our marriage as well. Actually it’s been on my mind hard the last couple days. I’m thinking about taking a break. Going away by myself for a couple days. God only knows where I’ll go. I know my kids will flip their shit but they are in middle and high school so they are relatively self sufficient. It’s been weighing on my mind all day today…

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      • oh man. I am sorry. Shoot. I was at all out war with my husband at 6-9 months after d-day. Yet, I was fully engaged in hysterical boning LOL I mean bonding as well. I wish you the best of luck. If you live in MI – I would invite you to a girls day.. but if your not in the state, well all I can say is InHale, ExHale… 😀

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      • Actually that is when he asked for a divorce so they is why I call that my d-day. I knew something was wrong the minute he came home from being gone a month for training for his job. It was all over his face. When he asked for a divorce I asked if he was seeing someone. He said he was talking to someone but she didn’t live here. I found out about him having sex with her on April 2, 2014. I was having some female issues every time we had sex once he was home. I confronted him and flat out asked him and he admitted to it. Got the “it just happened, she had the condom, I’m sorry, I’m so fucked up, blah, blah”. Found out at the end of May when I found her and her fiancé on Facebook and spoke on the phone with the fiancé that she came to my state 6 days after my husband admitted they had sex. I was getting std tested while she was here in town that day. Ugh. Then Sept when he admitted to not using a condom at all. HIV tested again after that. From the info I have they had sex a couple times while away for work. And he just got a blow job while she was here. Needless to say I feel I’ve had a couple d- days….

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      • She sounds like a real winner! unfortunately, our husbands were being every bit as trashy as the trash themselves. Shitty we have to look at them that way …but truth hurts. I know what you mean tho. I too had several d-days. ugh! Makes me wanna throw! So, has your husband been treating you well now, or does he have his moments? Do you feel as tho he still talks to the scab??

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      • He treats me well and tells me how much he loves me, how grateful he is for me giving him a second chance, how he can’t do this life without me. We spend more time together. I’ve asked him if she has contacted him, even at work. He says no. ( they work for the same company) I believe him. My fear is that he’ll do it again and be smarter about it. I fear and have told him that I think he’s just going thru the motions with me until our youngest is 18 so he won’t have to pay child support. He says no, that I’m stuck with him forever. That he will forever make this up to me.
        How about yours? Is he making amends?

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      • The first 6-9 months was iffy. He would say he was terribly sorry. I couldn’t quit talking about it tho and the more in depth we would get, the more I would find out which would result in horrible blow ups between us. Then he would say he couldn’t do it (us) anymore…I would cry and say I was sorry. He would say he was sorry. We would make up to break up every other week. bleh.blah blah. We aren’t the type of couple who are off and on. Completely out of character. We have never broke up and re got back together. That just aint our style. We always kept it 100 with eachother. Or so I did anyways. His constant back and forth emotions really got to me. He says my back and fouth emotions really got to him…but the way I see it is …I have a right to be unsure, to bitch, to cry and then expect him to take it and still comfort me -somehow- … idk… I am so tired of thinking about him and the betrayal. I know he is really honestly sorry now. We spend every free minute with each other as well. He is so different. We are so different. But I too fear that this is just circumstantial. Right now we don’t hang with friends but when we start to again I am unsure he knows how to conduct himself respectfully like a married man – specially when alcohol starts flowing.. I don’t like this feeling of insecurity that has invaded me and our marriage.

        Glad to hear your husband is doing you right tho. It sure helps the hurt they caused…

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      • Sounds like yours is doing right by you as well. This feeling takes so long to fade or so I’m told. I hate this insecurity as well. We would have horrible fights as .well. I was on anti depressants that made me crazier then I was already feeling. My husband and I have practically lived together since Jan 1999. We have never been apart for more then a week until that fateful trip he had to take for work for a month. My husband’s brain and all morals left when he went away. He came back a different person. He is now a different person in a different way. It’s better but not what I think I need. Maybe I think I stay because of the girls, maybe I don’t want them to grow up in a broken home like we did. Maybe I tried so hard to keep him because I didn’t want anyone else to have him. Maybe I just love him that much and can’t imagine my life without him. I just don’t fucking know anymore.

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  4. Once he told her it was over may 1st our hysterical bonding really started! Lol thanks I wish you the best as well. I’m down South or I would love a girls day 😊

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