Its been a year!
A whole freakin year since the wrath of his affair wrecked havoc on my life.
I cant call it D-day because even though its the day I first found undeniable proof that my husband was sexually engaging with a scabby whore, the whole truth was trickled through out several months, not just one specific day. I mean obvi I found out he was fucking her ..and him.. (oh my fucking god) but details, times, sexting, and the extent of all of the disgusting betrayal came in bits and pieces. I’m sure if I still wanted to “dig” I would even find out more to this day.
This year sucked ass!! To put it mildly.. literally been to hell and back. (or am I even back yet) HA
But as of right now…today..
I don’t obsess over the affair anymore. Of course I have weak moments, every effing day where something triggers me, but it is a thought that is quickly there and gone. I refuse to let it fester in my mind anymore. I cant change it so why think about it. I don’t mention it to my husband anymore. He knows! He knows when he or I say something, that if it “triggers” any of his disgustingness, he rewords it and we just try and change it, change the convo to a more positive outlook. I don’t even have to say anything anymore. Nor do I want to. I am over throwing things in his face (or at him – literally) LOL. I can only beat him up for so long before it back fires. That time has come. Besides, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore, much less ever think about it again.
Shockingly, I am still married. I still love him – for many different reasons. However, am I in love with him?… I like to think that I still am. Actually, would say that I am still, but I am trying to take the time to define and discover what that even really means, what it means to me anyways. I got with my husband when I was so young, I am unsure if I even know what being in love really is. At times, he knows just what to say to take a girls breath away. But, I dont get those butterflies in my tummy anymore. I dont feel as special. And unfortunately, he is not as special to me. I still question myself if staying with him through such betrayal is the right decision … I wonder if I am staying with him because I know nothing else. I think I am scared to be on my own. I moved out from my moms house straight in with my husband so I have never been alone. And yet, although I am scared, I also find it intriguing. So I ask myself, “exactly how much are you going to accept because you are afraid of the unknown?” I have yet to discover that answer so I try not to dwell on it but silently I am searching for the right answer to satisfy me…
Do I trust my husband? Meh. Obviously I wouldn’t put it past him to fuck someone else. Do I think he will do it anytime soon? No. Do I think he is seeing the scuz buckets – nope, I hope not. I am not psycho anymore. I don’t track his every move, phone calls, text messages, internet use, anything like that anymore. I haven’t for several months now. I can’t live like that. More then anything…I have learned to trust MYSELF! If things start to get too questionable in regards to my husband and me…I am going to go with my instincts instead of his words.
I am just taking things day by day. Things are good in our relationship, for the most part. I just dont really see a future in it. Yes, that makes things hard when my husband or I will say something in regards to future planning. I play-pretend, but in the back of my head, I am not thinking that far ahead. Would be nice to regain that “tunnel vision” but at this point, its just not there.
At this moment in time…I am doing some serious soul searching. Working more on me instead of only on us. I have lived for my husband and for my kids for the past 10 years. I didn’t really have a whole lot of time for just lil ol’ me. I wasnt that selfish, unless it was something that would benefit all of us in the end. My kids and husband always came before my needs. And my kids will always continue to do so. I have always made time to make myself look good or what not, but I am talking about deeper things than just appearance. My likes and dislikes, how to change my own self (where things need changing), where I want to be in “X’ amount of years, how am I going to get there…just growing in general and what makes me happy. I am learning “what can I do for me” instead of always “what can I do for you”. I have always been a person who sets goals and will achieve them come hell or high waters. So here I am. Setting new goals and trenching the water to make them happen to become exactly who I want to be. Not because I am doing it for anyone else. Simply..just for me.
I look at everyone and everything with a different perspective. Things aren’t always as they appear. It took me almost the full year to re-identify the things and people I am thankful for and blessed to have in my life. I can see it all again and more importantly I can feel it as well. I fell off for an entire year, but I am back. I am forever changed but I can finally say I have accepted the change and now I am owning it and making it my bitch! 😛
So you ask…”One year since discovery of your husbands affair, how are you doing??” …
I can thankfully say..
I am whole hell of a lot better!!!!!!!