…I am beginning to see a pattern…

I am good about not talking about his affair, not saying that I don’t occasionally bring it up here or there with some little jab but all in all, I pretty much don’t speak about it. However, after the work week, I like to indulge in some cocktails on the weekends. I am noticing that when I get a few cocktails in my system, lately, I have not been able to tame thy mouth. Actually, far from it. I have been spitting venom.  It’s like – I just want to get into the little mind of his cheating brain and figure out with the fuck he was thinking. And yet, when I am sober, I soooo don’t! Actually, I want just the opposite because I know I could never think or care so little to do what a cheater did/does. It’s all just too selfish and distasteful for me.

So, I think I am kinda stuck on my healing process.

Ya, I could never have a cocktail again… But that is dumb. I don’t have a problem with alcohol, so please spare me the lecture. I do however, enjoy a cocktail on the weekends. I just don’t know why I cant keep my mouth shut lately, while I am having a cocktail.

I know I am far from forgiving my husband. But I know I want to someday. And I know by me trying to figure out what went on in his puny lil brain of his while he was being such a pos to me isn’t doing me any good. It isn’t doing us any good. I keep reopening the wound. I don’t like it at all!

And truth is, we have gone over it over and over again, so why cant I just completely let it go!? There is nothing new to be told. He fucked some trailer park trash several times and then continued to entertain the idea for quite sometime after. IS WHAT IT IS! I cant change it. I get it..

So STOP T! Stop replaying it over and over again. Stop thinking – shoulda, coulda, woulda. And stop – stop asking WHY!! It really makes no difference anymore. We are working through it, quit stepping back into the FUNK!

I guess – just one more thing to work on……


4 thoughts on “STFU!

  1. You know, I find that it feels like I have to shut up in order to keep everything happy and sometimes when I have a drink I don’t care about his happiness so much and I just say what I think. I feel like most of the time it’s best for him if say nothing and we just ignore it. But every once in a while I want him to know that just because I don’t make him listen to every thought I have, 90% of them still come back to his affair. When I drink a little, I like to share that. Oops. Ha. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hi, ugh boy does this resonate. I did do a week with no wine and it turns out I still had my huge anger flare ups. but I’m sure the alcohol is fuel. I have turned into the incredible hulk. my dday was 10 months ago and my sah of 26 yrs (33 together) has moved out at least 5 x due to my anger. he moved out again early this week and i just want the pain to end. but his continued lack of so many things has kept me in suspended animation. all i do is take minimum care of our kids and read the insane amt of blogs I have bookmarked.


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