2/3

My goodness gracious where has the time gone?..

My last post was a year ago, well besides one time in December I dropped a couple lines bout some whack shit but for the most part, year 2-3 was going to be when I “let it go”. Shoot, I was gonna MAKE myself move on so I quit writing about my husbands affair (although I would still read all your blogs)  I was no longer going to talk about it, I refused to live it any longer. Out of sight, out of mind.

Year 2, I truly just hoped for clarity. I just couldn’t decide if I should stay in my marriage or leave. At that time, I really thought it would be best if we separated. The damage he had caused me and our family was just too much. I wanted out. I was full on, all about it, then … my husband had a heart attach. Not something a 32 year old would normally go through.  I swore if my husband had any more health issues, I would not stand by his side because when he went through cancer in 2011, I basically wiped his ass and got repaid back by him fucking a scabby whore (who was also posed to be my “friend” so talk about a double whammy). So, in October, when he had a double heart attack and died on the table, my whole world spun out of control – again. Like wtf! There I was faced with standing my ground, being selfish and continuing distancing myself, which essentially was kicking the man while he was down or sucking it up, taking a huge risk and be there for him (which was extremely scary cuz what if I stood by his side and he did me wrong again?) …EEK!

Well, I just couldnt do it – I couldnt leave him like that. First of all, even though I was going to leave him, it wasnt that I didnt love him, I just couldnt get passed what he had done. I didnt feel safe. Come on now, he cheated on me (to put it mildly)….

From October 2016 to now I have watched such a significant change in this man. He beat cancer in 2011 and now he has heart disease from the chemo at age 32.  This is a man who likes to party and eats unhealthy. Well we all know that that will get you 6 feet under with heart disease.  He has had to make huge changes. Without so much partying we have reunited, reconnected, even though we had already somewhat done that the couple years before (hysterical bonding), it was much more deep now. He really loved me again and showed/shows it in every way he possibly could/can. He loved/loves being a family man again. He is such a good husband and dad now. He is present and wants nothing more then for our lil fam to roll as a unit. At this time, I really couldnt ask for more…

Year 3. Here we are. I just cant believe the craziness of my life when I look back 3 years ago to now. Holy hell. What I can say in regards to my healing process is I am definitely in a better place. Way better then year one and improved a ton from year 2. I think about how I felt and who I was 3 years ago and even before I found out he had cheated on me, I was all high on life and my marriage -yeah,  that shits dead. I am so not that person anymore. Nope. I do miss her at times tho cuz she believed in people and was such a positive naive, fun loving little lady, not that I am not those things anymore, I am just a little more guarded. When I revisit myself after his infidelity in 2014 to now, it feels good to say – I AM NO LONGER BROKEN!. I am no longer bitter, I am truly better. The aftermath of his infidelities still linger, I mean occasionally I will have a trigger but I have maybe only brought it up two times in the past year – thats dam good. And when I do get a trigger, I no longer allow it to control me or my emotions. Its a nasty thought that I quickly push away. Scuz and Crusty and the shit they did with my “other” husband (lol) are non mother fucking factors. They are the past that I dont like to be reminded of, nor does my husband. I literally have compartmentalized them in the trash bin (now hows that for compartmentalizing) 😀 I am a bad bitch (took me a while to say that and mean it again)  and if my husband doesnt want to be apart of me, so fuckin be it, then I dont want him to be apart of me either. He knows this and unfortunately he still cowards his head down constantly knowing he had forgotten who the fuck I am. Its a privilege to be in my life and apart of me, your either wit it or against it..choose wisely…

So, as you can read, I am still married to my man even after he went dumpster diving. I dont, I mean, I CANT brag that he is  my lover for life…oh hell no, I cant predict the future…but I am happy to say,  he is here for now….

Epic Fail

Just to put this out there….

When you cheat and still want to stay with your partner, it is no longer your choice, its theirs.

What I mean by that is just because you are oh-so-sorry. Just because you show complete remorse and have takin all the steps to prove yourself and to show you know you fucked up. Just because you have done every. single. thing possible to make things right again, does not mean the partner that YOU CHEATED ON is going to stay with you.

Lets make this very clear…

Yes, my husband cheated on me. It may (or may not – who knows with liars) have been a handful of times within the 4 years that it all began. That is irrelevant. HE STILL CHEATED!

He didn’t confess out of the kindness of his heart. (And even when he had to confess, I literally had to beat it out of him)

He didn’t stop after a one time fuck up or even two times. He kept doing it and continued to allow the cum-bucket to think he was still thirsty for more.

He broke our vows.

He broke many promises.

He broke my fucking heart!!

Now yes, for two years now he has done pretty much everything possible to prove to me how deeply sorry he is.

There has been no contact with Scuz or Crusty.

He isn’t being a shady mo-fo.

He is constantly showing and telling me how much he loves me and blah blah blah

Honestly, none of this matters to me anymore.

IDGAF!

It has nothing to do with what he is or is not doing.

What is done – is done.

I have been criticized for allowing my husband to have false hopes. That if he does x,y,z… I will forgive him and stay married. That he did x,y,z yet it took me two years to finally decide I still want a divorce.

Don’t judge me!

I hoped that I could (stay with him). The only way we would both have a chance at saving our marriage was to try, right?

I love him. Always will.

But…

I will never allow this man an opportunity to destroy me like that again. And in my heart, I know he is capable of being a real piece of shit, I don’t get down with fake ass people. Specially be married to one – ya fuckin right! I am only as loyal to you as you are to me! So in order to save myself ( and really, to save him), I want out.

People keep saying “ but what if he does this or that’s messed up, he has done everything”

Lets not forget…

HE FAILED ME!!

WE tried to reconcile and remain married.

I can not.

Sorry boo boo

Guess I failed too

The End

 

High five bud! WE are fucking awesome!

We have weathered storms.

Created superstars

Fought crock-a- dillies 😛

Moved Mountains

Been to hell and back…

Our journey has been real! (for the most part) – on my behalf it was 100!

WE have put on quite a show, but now the curtains closing

I know I am no longer treating you right – u deserve better and so do I. I don’t even like how I treat you anymore – even if it is a reaction to an action.

I have way too much love and respect in my heart for you, for us, for our family

I refuse to go out like that. I refuse to go down in flames.

Lets go out with some pride and dignity.

Lets be that couple who doesn’t end in hatred. We end with love.

Please lets do this nicely. Proudly. With our heads held high. We failed at marriage but lets not fail as parents. This is going to be the hardest on them. I just want to slowly part ways without just throwing it in their faces. We have 10+ years with each other. There is a lot to sort out. No need for hostility. Do your part as a father and I will do mine as a mother – no need to even involve courts – that is not my motive.

WE should actually be very proud of ourselves.

Who would have ever thought we would make it as long as we did??…

When we first got together – we were just kids.

You, my dear husband are my favorite mistake and most definitely my hardest goodbye!

_________________________________________________________

As you all can see… I have decided to walk away from my marriage. His infidelity played a huge roll in my decision, but it wasn’t all of it. Before his disgustingness came out, we had problems. I thought they were just everyday life problems, problems that I could handle and that we would always move forward from. but now, now that I have had to dissect every thing, I no longer see the rest of my life with him. The little problems, on top of infidelity is just too much for me to live with. I mean I could live with it but I don’t think I will ever feel “ful-filled” I will feel like I am just settling. Cheating to me always was a deal breaker. I tried to work through it, excuse it, forgive it, whatever… in the end… it was still my deal breaker…

I don’t know how to say any of this to my husband. I know he is going to make this hell on me.  I don’t want to go into great depths about our shortcomings or anything like that. I don’t want to cry about any of it anymore. I just want to get it over with. But why -Why does it have to be so hard to say goodbye!!???? Is this too much to ask ??

Deuce -s

When dealing with infidelity in a marriage – the 2 year mark is posed to be some magical number when recovery is at its finest…

When I decided to try and forgive and to try and stay in my marriage after my husband went dumpster diving – I honestly had no idea what I was up against! I just knew I had to beat the odds against us. Altho he made us a statistic by cheating, I was going to make us kick that statistic in the ass by being the couple that would survive infidelity.

They say – don’t act irrationally. Give it time, give it time.  – So I did. So I have. I have had so much time to think about the reality of it all, every. little. thing. that was said and done during his years of cheating on me. and how much deceiving took place and how much work it had to be to accomplish the types of sins that he did. I used to cry. Uncontrollably. At the thought of any of this. Thinking about my family being broken because some thirsty slut and my weak husband would bring me to my knees. My heart was sooo broken.

The whole first year after D-day was so painful. I really cant even put in to words how excruciating it was.( if you are a b.s – you already know) However, I lived and my marriage has survived 2 years later…

We are doing so much better now and my husband continues to do everything he should.

I love him. I have lots of love for him. And I am so thankful he got his head out of his ass and stayed with me through all the shit he caused instead of running away  and staying gone because he had fucked up so terribly and  because he did not know how to fix it.

But this is where things get a lil twisted…

I have yet to fully recover.

I am a changed person – yet how can I not be.

People are human and people make mistakes. However, in our situation – the truth didn’t come out because he felt bad and knew what he had done was a mistake. Oh hell no. And even when I did have undeniable truth, the truth still trickled out for an entire year. He made me literally beg for every answer and even beg for him to stay. I think this has put a huge block in my recovery because I feel as tho he was basically forced with telling the truth and stopping what he was engaging in instead of the truth coming out of the goodness of his heart. The depth of all his betrayal still has me fucked up.

I still do not have any forgiveness for my husband. None at all. I do not look at him the same. His words are not as valued. I no longer feel as tho I can commit myself 100% to the man who showed me no loyalty. I don’t feel secure that he will always have me in his best interest. I don’t think I will ever feel that security from him again. However, with all that said  I do  still see a wonderful man, he truly is. I will always love him. Yet, I no longer love him whole heartedly.

Two years later…

I can honestly say tho that I am glad I waited instead of running far away or to the courthouse.

It gave me time to get stronger.

It gave me time to still see and feel that love for my husband who I had thought was a monster for doing me so wrong.

It gave me time to get my confidence back.

It also gave me time to finally believe that his affair really had nothing to do with me. That it truly wasnt my fault at all. It seriously took me the whole two years to say that and to really mean it.

2 years later…

The teetering question of “do I stay” or “do I go” has finally become clear.

It’s All in My Head

I replay it..over. and. over. again….

No, not the disgustingness of my husbands affair (not anymore anyways)..

Actually, I am talking about …divorce. …

My two year deadline of dday is coming up this summer and I would love none other than to say I have committed to my husband and am forgiving him and moving on…with him and us together… however, as of now, I have yet to do either (commit or forgive.)

So…I play out the worst case scenario in my head ..

How I am going to sit him down and have the dreaded “its over” talk..?…

When…?.. (The exact two year date? Our anniversary – beings as it is close to then?…)

Where ..?…(In the comforts of our home?.. maybe a restaurant, but then there is the possibility of causing a scene…)

How to start the convo..?…

What he will say in response to my words..?…

When and if I have this talk, I don’t think a response from him will even be necessary cuz by then…it will be too late…my mind will be made up and there will be no talking me out of it. But still, part of me would love to see him beg for me as I walk away (yet he already has) so with that said, begging will not change my mind. I don’t want to hurt him, yet, I guess I kinda do.  I just want him to feel what he has lost and altho it will be too late for us, hopefully he will have learned a hard lesson ( at the price of my heart) but still, maybe in his future relationships, he will never cause that type of pain again. One could only hope so …

Unfortunately, if I decide to go the divorce route, I think it will come as an all out “surprise” and pure devastation to my husband. Of course, to him, things are good with us. And they are as good as it gets after finding out you are married to a cheating husband, but now, I carry the burden of what my husband has done (did) and I get to live with it, while the truth has set him free. And honestly, his problems, his past, are weighing heavy on me and it sounds refreshing and freeing to just say fuck it and fuck you!

Of course, I do try and think positive. That come the two-year deadline, I will chose to stay and completely move on from his betrayal instead of leaving him. However, when I reenact that scenario, it doesn’t seem as fulfilling. To see the devastation in his eyes when I say I still want a divorce even after he has done everything possible to try and fix his fuck ups seems more on my level.  …kind of twisted… I just  kind of feel  like if I stay with him, I am just settling. I deserved / deserve so much more! I was /am loyal and loving (amongst a ton of other good things) and I expected / expect the same!  .. He knew that as soon as he fucked up one time that I would leave him. He knew the chances he took when he did what he did, yet he still did it. And to say NOW he knows – now he knows what he has and what he will lose –  that’s a fuckin joke too because he already KNEW! He says he kept lying because he didn’t want to lose me,… so he kept doing it?… wtf!! He says because Scuz (the whore) had already had one on him and he felt trapped… so continue doing it..??….um, come again, cuz I dont get it!! Instead, he should have been a real man and confessed the first time I asked so it didn’t continue. I could have accepted and forgave a one time MISTAKE. But to continue on 5 times more and to then even engage in a three-some with her Crusty boyfriend…um… keep it real, that is not feeling terrible, that is not feeling guilty, and that is not feeling trapped!..That isn’t a mistake… that was your god-damn CHOICE!!!

Staying with him means living with his past (which is essentially OUR past). I really cant stand the thought of having flashbacks about this for the rest of our lives together. And no matter how I handle myself, how much he has changed, it – his betrayal, is apart of OUR story together – which makes me wanna throw the fuck up,  throw him the fuck out, and completely re-write my story with a different, hopefully loyal, man!

I can play it out in my head as if it is going to go one way but it will prolly go completely opposite. A victim of my own mind. ..

.. just because its all in my head tho, doesn’t make it any less real…

 

 

 

 

 

Bye Felicia!!

First off, I would like to apologize for my absence. The holidays were good but chaotic – per usual. Hope you all had happy holidays! As for all of us betrayed spouses who are trying to stay married after our hearts were ripped out…we made it through another year!!! Every day, every hour, every.single.minute counts!!

Anyways

I don’t have a whole lot of time to write but I just wanted to update ya’ll…

So… when other woman were writing about the possibility of running into their husbands whore, I really didn’t give it a second thought…

buuuut… go figure..

I ran into the scuz!  PUKE! (Its been over a year since I last seen her and blasted a soda in her slut face)

We were actually parked right by eachother. (We both have different vehicles – hers being a hunk of junk (literally) so I didn’t know I was parked by her) and in all fairness, I am sure if she knew what I was driving now days she wouldnt have been parked next to me either.

..We were both walking to our vehicles at the same time…

Of course we noticed eachother. I think she literally shat herself when she realized it was me LOL

She looked at me and shook her head.

I smiled and said ” I see they still haven’t taken the trash out”

Honestly, she looked so miserable tho. I couldn’t help but hold my head high. Her life must be as pathetic as it always has been. (of course that is why she tried to steal mine). She looks like she has aged at least 10 years. Looking super scrubby and dressed in rags. I could almost pity the fool but she gets what she deserves.

As she pulled away – she flipped me off.

As for me… I didn’t feel any type of way. My heart didn’t even begin to race. Nothing. Wow… I might just be growing up or at least moving on afterall…

..in response to the bird…

I blew her a kiss goodbye!!

Inhale. Exhale

I am so tired of trying to make our marriage work. Trying to make our marriage better. Trying to change some of my ways. Trying to understand or figure out my husband, his needs, and our “new” marriage. And more or less, trying to forgive his selfish, tasteless affair.

I just don’t want to care anymore. And really, I think I may just not!

We have both came so far since finding out my husband had been cheating on me. However…this marriage is just sooo much work. Too much work if you ask me. I mean, before knowing that he had betrayed me, I would have put as much work as I needed to in order to make our marriage happy. But, I was not even given that chance before he stepped out (in reality, I didn’t even know he was unhappy – truth is – cuz he wasn’t). And now, the everyday problems that we do have on top of knowing that he is “one of those” (a cheater) … working on being a better him, a better me, and an even better us…is exhausting!!

Its kinda messed up but I am pretty much sure my husband is feeling the same way. Of course, he doesn’t just come out and say it but I sense it in his actions. Which we all know, when it comes to a cheater, their actions speak louder than their words because they are cowards and don’t really say how they feel.

My goal was to make it at least two years since D-day, then I would either re-commit to my marriage or exit myself to the left. Right now, I am just hoping to make it through the holidays.

I havent given up quite yet and I hope I never do…

…but the holidays are so overwhelming and so is marriage after betrayal …

..just breathe!…

You got this T!

 

 

 

Go Funk Yourself

Lately, I have been in a funk..

The smelly aftermath of infidelity funk.

16 months later and I am still feeling funky.  I shake it off for the most part, but it is only temporarily. Every few days or so and there it is again – this funkiness…

The “eff you” and “eff this” funk, I’ve learned to handle this. When something “triggers” my memory and I think funk you, funk you, your cool …Im out funk. LOL This funk comes and goes daily. But at least the funk is here and gone in a quickness cuz I cant stay in the “funk the world” mood for long cuz being a bitter bitch sucks!

However, the should I stay or should I go funk. The constant limbo.This one has really been getting to me.  I can honestly say I just don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be with my man for the rest of my life, but now that he has betrayed me, I am not sure how I feel about being with him for foreverrrrr.  Sounds way too long, if heartbreak is involved anyways….My husband and I are both 31 years old and for infidelity to have already taken place so early on, I cant help but question if my husband has it in him to stay monogamous in the future. Now I’m not saying he is going to go cheat on me right away but to say he will remain faithful to me for another 10, 20, 30 + years … sounds too good to be true or at least questionable and I just don’t think I can be that vulnerable again, with him especially, beings as he hurt me more than anyone could have. I just don’t know…

WHAT THE FUNK!!?

I have given myself a deadline. Yes, 2 years from D-day (cuz that’s what therapists say is a good amount of time). If I have not 100%committed myself to fully staying in the marriage, if I can not find some-sort of forgiveness within me…I will exit myself to the left and no longer fake the funk!

Sorry Not Sorry

I know that my husband is extremely sorry for all of this.

Sorry he lied.

Sorry he broke his vows.

Sorry he betrayed us.

Sorry he hurt his family.

and yes, sorry he got caught.

I truly believe him when he says it. I see it. I feel it – the remorse in his actions. He is so different now. There is a sincerity in his eyes when he looks at me that is meaningful.

…Makes me sad though…

I just don’t have that same empathy towards him.

All one really has is their “word”. And now when he speaks, there isn’t enough value for me. I hear the words that are coming out of his mouth, yet they don’t hold the same meaning to me anymore. They are just words…

I feel bad!

I don’t know how to be vulnerable again.

I mean, my husband has done pretty much everything that could be expected when it comes to repairing our marriage due to his infidelity, yet, its just not good enough. Is it ever going to be? OR is he just not good enough for me anymore??…

I don’t punish him anymore. Or so I don’t think I really do anyways. I don’t discuss it or ask details anymore. (Not even when I am drinking. Since my last post a month or so ago I have tamed thy alcohol induced mouth). Our home life is actually calm again. We are communicating very well, openly and honestly. Our sex life is two thumbs up.

What the hell more can I ask for??

Is it me? Do I not know how to “let it go”? Why can I not accept that he IS sorry and believe that this won’t happen again?

Why can I not forgive him??

At times I feel sorry for him because he is truly sorry and he is trying his hardest to fix all the damage he has done..

but then I think of it all, all what HE has done and how we wouldn’t be in the position if it wasn’t for him in the first place…

and…. then…

there I am

Sorry, not sorry!!

Flash Back

Hi-ho Hi-ho, back to high school I go…

HA. … or so it felt like anyways…

I went to my sons football game on Saturday and saw quite a few people that I attended high school with.

…10 years later….

Some were actually still together with the same person as they were dating when we were in school, which was actually pretty surprising. Most had gained quite a bit of weight (it happens). A couple females had too many babies without being financially or relationship stable. Even though I may not have liked some of them, I actually kinda felt sorry for them. Or I guess, more then that, I had to keep telling myself…who the hell are you to judge!?! . …

what can I say?!..

I was “queen bee” in high school. Still have maintained my appearance. Financially stable and married to the same man I dated in High School. Can’t say the relationship is stable (well, it kinda is now) but its kind of a joke as well. But point being is I haven’t changed much. (Not by the outward-appearance anyways)

With all this said… It made me feel some type a way – seeing lots of people from high school, from my past. Being looked at like I am somebody special.

Where the hell have I been???

I have forgotten who I was! Who I am!!!

So after the football game, out came the high school yearbooks.

Memories!!

And then I began over-thinking. (oh lawdy) LOL

I started questioning myself and where I am at in life. Who I am married to.

WTF am I doing!!??

Me, accepting a lying, conniving, cheating ass husband. !! ??

REALLY!?

Who the eff is this female?  And what have you done with the almighty one 😛

“Will the real slim shady- please stand up” LOL

So…

Wonder what others thought of me after not seeing me for 10 years??..

…watch out now..

looks sure are deceiving!