2/3

My goodness gracious where has the time gone?..

My last post was a year ago, well besides one time in December I dropped a couple lines bout some whack shit but for the most part, year 2-3 was going to be when I “let it go”. Shoot, I was gonna MAKE myself move on so I quit writing about my husbands affair (although I would still read all your blogs)  I was no longer going to talk about it, I refused to live it any longer. Out of sight, out of mind.

Year 2, I truly just hoped for clarity. I just couldn’t decide if I should stay in my marriage or leave. At that time, I really thought it would be best if we separated. The damage he had caused me and our family was just too much. I wanted out. I was full on, all about it, then … my husband had a heart attach. Not something a 32 year old would normally go through.  I swore if my husband had any more health issues, I would not stand by his side because when he went through cancer in 2011, I basically wiped his ass and got repaid back by him fucking a scabby whore (who was also posed to be my “friend” so talk about a double whammy). So, in October, when he had a double heart attack and died on the table, my whole world spun out of control – again. Like wtf! There I was faced with standing my ground, being selfish and continuing distancing myself, which essentially was kicking the man while he was down or sucking it up, taking a huge risk and be there for him (which was extremely scary cuz what if I stood by his side and he did me wrong again?) …EEK!

Well, I just couldnt do it – I couldnt leave him like that. First of all, even though I was going to leave him, it wasnt that I didnt love him, I just couldnt get passed what he had done. I didnt feel safe. Come on now, he cheated on me (to put it mildly)….

From October 2016 to now I have watched such a significant change in this man. He beat cancer in 2011 and now he has heart disease from the chemo at age 32.  This is a man who likes to party and eats unhealthy. Well we all know that that will get you 6 feet under with heart disease.  He has had to make huge changes. Without so much partying we have reunited, reconnected, even though we had already somewhat done that the couple years before (hysterical bonding), it was much more deep now. He really loved me again and showed/shows it in every way he possibly could/can. He loved/loves being a family man again. He is such a good husband and dad now. He is present and wants nothing more then for our lil fam to roll as a unit. At this time, I really couldnt ask for more…

Year 3. Here we are. I just cant believe the craziness of my life when I look back 3 years ago to now. Holy hell. What I can say in regards to my healing process is I am definitely in a better place. Way better then year one and improved a ton from year 2. I think about how I felt and who I was 3 years ago and even before I found out he had cheated on me, I was all high on life and my marriage -yeah,  that shits dead. I am so not that person anymore. Nope. I do miss her at times tho cuz she believed in people and was such a positive naive, fun loving little lady, not that I am not those things anymore, I am just a little more guarded. When I revisit myself after his infidelity in 2014 to now, it feels good to say – I AM NO LONGER BROKEN!. I am no longer bitter, I am truly better. The aftermath of his infidelities still linger, I mean occasionally I will have a trigger but I have maybe only brought it up two times in the past year – thats dam good. And when I do get a trigger, I no longer allow it to control me or my emotions. Its a nasty thought that I quickly push away. Scuz and Crusty and the shit they did with my “other” husband (lol) are non mother fucking factors. They are the past that I dont like to be reminded of, nor does my husband. I literally have compartmentalized them in the trash bin (now hows that for compartmentalizing) 😀 I am a bad bitch (took me a while to say that and mean it again)  and if my husband doesnt want to be apart of me, so fuckin be it, then I dont want him to be apart of me either. He knows this and unfortunately he still cowards his head down constantly knowing he had forgotten who the fuck I am. Its a privilege to be in my life and apart of me, your either wit it or against it..choose wisely…

So, as you can read, I am still married to my man even after he went dumpster diving. I dont, I mean, I CANT brag that he is  my lover for life…oh hell no, I cant predict the future…but I am happy to say,  he is here for now….

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17 thoughts on “2/3

  1. So happy that you are in a good place!
    It sounds like he had a serious wake up call when he died on the table. Maybe he realized life is too precious and too short to make such big mistakes. Maybe he realized that when everything was falling apart, you were the only one who cared enough to stick around and put it back together.
    Whatever it was, I’m so glad it happened and that things are getting better

    Liked by 3 people

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