It’s All in My Head

I replay it..over. and. over. again….

No, not the disgustingness of my husbands affair (not anymore anyways)..

Actually, I am talking about …divorce. …

My two year deadline of dday is coming up this summer and I would love none other than to say I have committed to my husband and am forgiving him and moving on…with him and us together… however, as of now, I have yet to do either (commit or forgive.)

So…I play out the worst case scenario in my head ..

How I am going to sit him down and have the dreaded “its over” talk..?…

When…?.. (The exact two year date? Our anniversary – beings as it is close to then?…)

Where ..?…(In the comforts of our home?.. maybe a restaurant, but then there is the possibility of causing a scene…)

How to start the convo..?…

What he will say in response to my words..?…

When and if I have this talk, I don’t think a response from him will even be necessary cuz by then…it will be too late…my mind will be made up and there will be no talking me out of it. But still, part of me would love to see him beg for me as I walk away (yet he already has) so with that said, begging will not change my mind. I don’t want to hurt him, yet, I guess I kinda do.  I just want him to feel what he has lost and altho it will be too late for us, hopefully he will have learned a hard lesson ( at the price of my heart) but still, maybe in his future relationships, he will never cause that type of pain again. One could only hope so …

Unfortunately, if I decide to go the divorce route, I think it will come as an all out “surprise” and pure devastation to my husband. Of course, to him, things are good with us. And they are as good as it gets after finding out you are married to a cheating husband, but now, I carry the burden of what my husband has done (did) and I get to live with it, while the truth has set him free. And honestly, his problems, his past, are weighing heavy on me and it sounds refreshing and freeing to just say fuck it and fuck you!

Of course, I do try and think positive. That come the two-year deadline, I will chose to stay and completely move on from his betrayal instead of leaving him. However, when I reenact that scenario, it doesn’t seem as fulfilling. To see the devastation in his eyes when I say I still want a divorce even after he has done everything possible to try and fix his fuck ups seems more on my level.  …kind of twisted… I just  kind of feel  like if I stay with him, I am just settling. I deserved / deserve so much more! I was /am loyal and loving (amongst a ton of other good things) and I expected / expect the same!  .. He knew that as soon as he fucked up one time that I would leave him. He knew the chances he took when he did what he did, yet he still did it. And to say NOW he knows – now he knows what he has and what he will lose –  that’s a fuckin joke too because he already KNEW! He says he kept lying because he didn’t want to lose me,… so he kept doing it?… wtf!! He says because Scuz (the whore) had already had one on him and he felt trapped… so continue doing it..??….um, come again, cuz I dont get it!! Instead, he should have been a real man and confessed the first time I asked so it didn’t continue. I could have accepted and forgave a one time MISTAKE. But to continue on 5 times more and to then even engage in a three-some with her Crusty boyfriend…um… keep it real, that is not feeling terrible, that is not feeling guilty, and that is not feeling trapped!..That isn’t a mistake… that was your god-damn CHOICE!!!

Staying with him means living with his past (which is essentially OUR past). I really cant stand the thought of having flashbacks about this for the rest of our lives together. And no matter how I handle myself, how much he has changed, it – his betrayal, is apart of OUR story together – which makes me wanna throw the fuck up,  throw him the fuck out, and completely re-write my story with a different, hopefully loyal, man!

I can play it out in my head as if it is going to go one way but it will prolly go completely opposite. A victim of my own mind. ..

.. just because its all in my head tho, doesn’t make it any less real…

 

 

 

 

 

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21 thoughts on “It’s All in My Head

    • I too want to stay married to him but I am not sure I can handle living with this as our past… 2 year dday will be here in June/July-ish and even if I am not 100% I am going to make a definitive decision cuz I hate teetering

      Liked by 2 people

  1. T, you know I can relate to this feeling. Hell, I tried to staying and working it out. But, when I found out TPC planned to keep her pregnancy and that she was pregnant with twins, I was devastated. My already broken heart broke in a million more pieces.

    My husband said he wanted his marriage and didnt want to lose me. But, he hasn’t begged. He hasn’t stepped up. He hasn’t fought for a damn thing…but you say your husband has.

    My husband got all of this and lost me after only physically cheating one time. But, for me, the emotional cheating was the kicker. The hiding messages, telling her our problems or the issues he had with me and never telling me, making her his confidant and letting her take me out of my rightful spot, hurt the most.

    Have you tried going to counseling? It could help you to move on from some of your unresolved issues. Or, it could help you make a decision. You said that your husband has made a clear,observable change and that’s and positive thing.

    Ultimately, you will make the best decision for yourself. It’s the only choice you really have the opportunity to make in the matter, because, if it were up to any of us, our husband’s would’ve been loyal from the jump. But, know, if you decide to stay, and I urge you to consider it, you will have to let go and forgive but you will never forget.

    I’m praying for you, girl. May God lead you and order your steps to do what is best for you and may he bring that clarity with total healing. My wish for you is no more pain. No more replays. Just total peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow. Thank you so much for commenting. I really appreciate it. I do agree with you – that seeing the change in my husband is a positive thing, that is one of the reasons I am still with him. As for counseling, no I have not gone, neither of us have, I am so ridiculously busy that I cant seem to find time or I would prolly go. No excuse tho. As for your situation – the emotional cheating your husband did, yep, I totally understand what you are saying – telling the other girl anything about you or your relationship is such a blow to us as woman, I do believe it hurts every bit as bad as physically cheating. Thank you for your kind words! Best of luck to you as well ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “And honestly, his problems, his past, are weighing heavy on me and it sounds refreshing and freeing to just say fuck it and fuck you!” – your words say it all! We can never accept the unacceptable but somehow we live with it because it can’t be undone and it is impossible to forget. It is a kind of trap that we find ourselves in. Time doesn’t heal but every day creates more distance from it and this seems to create a numbness that is easier to accommodate than the emotional tsunamis that wreck us.
    You will be ok if you leave & if you stay – both choices far from ideal but we can’t turn the clock back and undo what was done – it has to be lived with.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, you must suffer a lot of anguish. I am so sorry for what your husband did, and I applaud you for trying to stick with him. I can’t imagine the humiliation of being cheated on as a spouse — but I do know a way to move past that and to stay with your husband, and for him to stay with you. His name is Jesus, and He can help you do what you thought you never could — forgive your husband, forgive the other person(s) involved. You have already been deeply hurt, but do not allow permanent bitterness toward your husband and the other person to steal you away. Instead, I pray that you will give your heart to a Man who will never leave you, who died to save you, to give you hope from hurtful situations like your own. He can actually turn around your marriage to be not just a matter of “surviving” another year, but being in love and thriving together.
    Praying that God will give both you and your husband a new kind of love as you come to know Him. If you visit my blog, my post “The First Thing You Must Do” can tell you more about how to come to Jesus. Best wishes for your marriage!

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  4. I thought I commented on this but I guess I didn’t. I just wanted to say that whatever you decide to do you don’t owe him anything. I think we get hung up on this idea that if he is sorry or reforms himself that we have to forgive and work things out. Sadly for them, that’s not true. Sometimes people do things that are so egregious there is no coming back from it. At that point it becomes, “Hey, it’s great to see you making such positive changes. I’m happy for you, but I can’t get over what you did. I hope you’ll do better for your next partner.”

    Good luck with whatever you choose. Both paths are difficult. When I forgave him the first time around I had my bad days; I had my triggers, mainly my anniversary or any anniversary dates really. Now that I’m divorcing I still have my bad days; I still find myself triggered by random things. They’re just different triggers this time. On the plus side, I no longer have to put up with his bs. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My first reaction was to tell you to do what he did to you and send him pictures. Lots of lusty pictures of another man being with you. However, if you’re actually trying to work it out, a part of you obviously still cares. My only advice to you is do what you want. If you don’t love him and you can easily see yourself without him then that’s a very good sign that it’s time to move on. However, if you know he is sorry and that he’ll never do it again, then stay. Whatever you do, don’t make it a game. Just do what is best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • … LOL who knows, I might just have to have a photo shoot, first I need a man lol And yes, I would love to work it out, kinda, I don’t know anymore buuut we don’t always get what we want now do we? Yes, he is sorry but I definitely think it will happen sometime in the future. We are young dumb and full of cum. Is what it is. We like to party – prolly too much, which also invites problems or should I say whores lol. I am not the type of female to fuck over – he knows that. I have begged, thinking our marriage is what I wanted but as time has gone on, I feel some type of different way. Best way to get over somebody is to get under someone right. HA LOL I feel as tho it is a game now and its kinda like …game on muhfucka 😛

      Liked by 1 person

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