Epic Fail

Just to put this out there….

When you cheat and still want to stay with your partner, it is no longer your choice, its theirs.

What I mean by that is just because you are oh-so-sorry. Just because you show complete remorse and have takin all the steps to prove yourself and to show you know you fucked up. Just because you have done every. single. thing possible to make things right again, does not mean the partner that YOU CHEATED ON is going to stay with you.

Lets make this very clear…

Yes, my husband cheated on me. It may (or may not – who knows with liars) have been a handful of times within the 4 years that it all began. That is irrelevant. HE STILL CHEATED!

He didn’t confess out of the kindness of his heart. (And even when he had to confess, I literally had to beat it out of him)

He didn’t stop after a one time fuck up or even two times. He kept doing it and continued to allow the cum-bucket to think he was still thirsty for more.

He broke our vows.

He broke many promises.

He broke my fucking heart!!

Now yes, for two years now he has done pretty much everything possible to prove to me how deeply sorry he is.

There has been no contact with Scuz or Crusty.

He isn’t being a shady mo-fo.

He is constantly showing and telling me how much he loves me and blah blah blah

Honestly, none of this matters to me anymore.

IDGAF!

It has nothing to do with what he is or is not doing.

What is done – is done.

I have been criticized for allowing my husband to have false hopes. That if he does x,y,z… I will forgive him and stay married. That he did x,y,z yet it took me two years to finally decide I still want a divorce.

Don’t judge me!

I hoped that I could (stay with him). The only way we would both have a chance at saving our marriage was to try, right?

I love him. Always will.

But…

I will never allow this man an opportunity to destroy me like that again. And in my heart, I know he is capable of being a real piece of shit, I don’t get down with fake ass people. Specially be married to one – ya fuckin right! I am only as loyal to you as you are to me! So in order to save myself ( and really, to save him), I want out.

People keep saying “ but what if he does this or that’s messed up, he has done everything”

Lets not forget…

HE FAILED ME!!

WE tried to reconcile and remain married.

I can not.

Sorry boo boo

Guess I failed too

t

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49 thoughts on “Epic Fail

  1. You didn’t fail. You made a choice. My ex Loser cheated on me and there was no way I would ever forgive him…and he knew it. He “tried” in the only way a narcissist knows how but like you say…HE CHEATED ON ME. Not only that, he gave me an incurable STD. My stupid sister kept saying “it was only one time.” Was it? Did she know? To me, it didn’t matter if it was “one” time or a thousand and one times….he still cheated.
    Forgive him? NEVER.
    What you decide to do is YOUR decision…nobody elses. If you want out….get out. There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Dang. Ur ex cheated – one time n couldn’t even wrap his willy. That’s fucked up! I wouldn’t forgive him either. And your right, there is nothing wrong with boundaries. And even tho it took me two years to reinforce mine, so fucking be it. He made his choice and now I am making mine. He may not know it yet, but he will. And chances are he will be as blind-sided as I was … hows that for a shit-sammich 😛

      Liked by 4 people

    • Hi Laurel – My ex did the same damn thing. He didn’t give me an incurable STD but he did get the other woman pregnant..”It was only one time.” He swears up and down that they used a condom but it “broke.” Oh, ok. Of course I still got tested and, that alone, was humiliating. The gyno I go to, who knew and loved us both, questioned my curiosity about testing and I told her how he’d cheated and the entire ordeal. She was shocked and confirmed mu suspicions. Condoms popping, immediate pregnancy, all those things that tend to decrease with age….yeah, it doesn’t add up.

      Kudos to you for making the decision that works best for you and encouraging T to do the same. Us gals gotta stick together when it comes to the idiots who did us wrong.

      -A

      Liked by 2 people

      • Oh, that is horrible. As far as I know (and obviously I didn’t know much) the Loser puppet doesn’t have any children by other women.
        When I had an outbreak, I thought it was because I was dirty. I’d go to my doctor and he would say “you have to be careful who you’re having sex with.” I just laughed and laughed at him. I thought he was kidding me.
        I guess it’s possible to get somebody pregnant after “only one time” and a “broken condom.” My money would be on “I don’t think so.”
        You’re right. Us gals have to stick together. This blogging community has been a lifesaver for me. It’s such a dichotomy…being glad for finding so many who have suffered the same thing, who offer comfort and support….and the sadness and devastation associated with the reason we found each other.

        Liked by 2 people

    • T – I have just read you blog from beginning to end and I am sad to see that it didn’t work out for you and your husband. However, you seem to be in a certain place…and that is good. Your strength and words give me hope. I totally understand and can relate to your decision. Please do continue to write. I feel like you are a much tougher version of me but I could relate to ALL of your thoughts, insecurities, questions, etc. Your strengths I admire. Walk good T.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you! But, I just have to warn you, I may sound strong, and god knows I want to be, but the truth is…I have yet to leave my husband. He doesn’t even know I am feeling this way – I feel more of a coward instead of admirable :/ but of course I will keep writing and thanks for reading.

        Liked by 2 people

      • I understand I understand, how many times can I say it. This month marks a year of the confrontation, yet only two weeks ago he confirm that they were in a full on relationship. I am broken yet appear strong to him. It is the most awful thing I have ever experience. I am not in love but I do still love him, crazy!!!

        Liked by 2 people

      • “I am broken yet appear strong to him. It is the most awful thing I have ever experienced. I am not in love but I still have love for him”…. I’m sorry. Unfortunately I know exactly what you are saying. I was reading some of your blog earlier and all I could do is shake my head – like wtf!

        Liked by 1 person

      • These are the darkest days of my life. I find peace writing. I wish I could hate him but I can’t. Thank you for reading my blog, I feel the support. It is important to not feel alone and this community is a world I never knew could give me strength, it really does💟 thank you

        Liked by 3 people

      • I will prolly do that:) Thank you. Its nice to find others that relate to such heartache. I mean – its sad too tho … if you know what I mean..

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Who are these people judging you? Please ask them to have several seats.
    ‘Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time’
    ‘If you make your bed then lie in it’

    These cliche sayings all mean you have to live the consequences of what you do, if you cheat – your partner just might leave you!

    Liked by 5 people

  3. You are absolutely correct. They get to choose whether or not they cheat and we get to choose whether or not we reconcile. Don’t let the naysayers get you down. You thought you could forgive him; you thought that if he did a, b, and c then order would be restored and you could restore your marriage. It turns out cheating was a deal breaker and it wasn’t that easy to forgive, forget, and focus on the future. You needn’t apologize for that. You get to choose whether or not you want to keep betting on him or if you’d rather cut your losses.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Two years is a very long time to deal with the betrayal and non-trust. Tell those judgmental asses to mind their own business. I have found way more people have this shit happening and don’t even know. Then judge like they are above it… No one really is above it. You did your best… And that’s all that matters for you— just you.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. Honey, you already know where I stand. You know I support you and whatever decision you make. You are so very correct, it is your decision to make — no one else’s. Not even your husbands. He didn’t consult you before lying down with dogs so he can de-flea himself alone just the same way.

    People look at other couple’s issues through their own insecurities. At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for yourself and your kids. You matter first.
    And, if in the end, you can say you tried everything and you know, in good conscience, what you are compelled to do –then, dammit, do it, girl.

    With you every step of the way,

    -A

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Let this be a strong lesson for him…cheating will lead to destruction. He broke a beautiful glass balloon and that can’t be fixed with crazy glue. Maybe it will hold together, but it will never be as beautiful as it once was. He can suck it.

    Liked by 5 people

  7. Oh my goodness. It is like you are in my head! Everything you are saying I can relate to. Good for you. It is time to look out for yourself, instead of considering everything everyone else needs. Your happiness is important. When you’re happy, those around you are happy. Way to go – you’ve got this. I wish I could give you a high five!!!!!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  8. 2.5 years post divorce like you I’ve tried however the bulk of trying is from me. Given up trying to work with him and now working on me.
    This following quote says a lot to me:
    “No return can ever make restitution for the going away.
    You may imitate but cannot renew safety.”

    You haven’t failed. You’ve worked through to a place where you have reached a decision. All any of us can do is commit to try after the errant spouse broke their commitment to be monogamous etc etc.
    I hope that I can make a decision and stick to it soon.

    Liked by 2 people

    • “you haven’t failed. you worked through to a place where you have reached a decision”…wow. I never looked at it like that. Thanks tho. You are so right! And that quote says a lot to me as well. Thank you for your comment. Best of luck on making a decision and sticking to it! I have made the decision but now, I just need to follow through …

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m 60, he’s 55yrs of age. Second marriage for both. Married in 2010. Live in the UK, I have an adult daughter, he has 2 teenage children from previous relationships. Lots of stresses and then for a bit of distraction he had an affair! He had his affair on a transatlantic business trip. How predictable. It was short lived and my sixth sense flagged something up, I challenged, he denied, I found email thread, presented him with her name and then an admission of what he’d done. Glad I found out as living with uncertainty and a lie would be hideous. I hauled us off to Counselling – he hated it. I’ve continued, he gave up. Candidly I felt wretched with his silence and withdrawal and couldn’t cope with the couple sessions anymore. I’m a bit of a rescuer and leave no stone unturned in my quest for understanding of me/him and us. I’ve not received the emotional support I need – silence……….He can’t cope with conflict. Recently I discovered he is on the Aspergers spectrum so different neural wiring to the rest of us neuro typicals. It means I’d have to suppress who I am really. Too big an ask. I’m adopted which brings with it fears of abandonment, low self worth etc and now I recognise that about myself, I’m working on me. I’ve gravitated to men who are not fully available for one reason or another I think as a direct link with feeling not good enough. I AM. I’m more than good enough. I keep telling myself that. He is not a bad man however the rejection and loneliness of being with someone who finds communication and affection so difficult to give after all this hideousness is too much. I hate living with this secret. I hate the facade and I loathe the triggers and the wounds. The aspect that hurt me most was that he admitted to the strumpet his kids and divorced ex however he took off his wedding ring and airbrushed me out of his life for this affair. For me as an adoptee with early abandonment that is too much. I’ve felt invisible. Strangely, those with aspergers are able to romance in the early days – learned behaviour but have difficulty in sustaining it hence the reason i kept trying to communicate with him and he turned away. His response I don’t know how to make things better/I know things are not right, I don’t know what to do yet all he needed to do was to work with me. We were a team I thought. So he did nothing but have an affair to escape it all.! He said, he never wanted to leave the marriage. Is that meant to make it ok? I don’t think so. The marriage was faulty because of all the stresses pre-affair and I can’t resuscitate it alone. He will not look at himself, thinks he’s changed but not enough. We don’t have intimacy. I can’t – triggers and also without emotional security, not feeling safe and therefore a lack of trust it is just not going to happen. He won’t initiate anything. I care about his well-being however I look at him and think how could you. Aspergers is not a justification. He chose not to think about what he did but marriage was not a practice session. He wasn’t a drunken teenager. He just didn’t want to say NO. I envy those spouses who can come to terms with such selfish idiotic behaviour however with all my issues and him choosing to stay trapped in himself it does not suggest a healthy relationship.

    Take your time. Make the right decision for you. Dissolving a marriage is horrid and messy and painful. It takes a long time to reach that decision rationally and not just do it as a knee jerk response. You have not failed and neither have I nor the others in our situation. We kept to our side of the bargain. Once it was broken we have tried to work through the dross and those people who can forge a new improved marriage I applaud and envy. I’m just not sure I can be one of them. It is scary, it may be lonely but indifference saps the soul.

    Liked by 3 people

    • wow. thank you so much for sharing some of your relationship background. You sound very reasonable as well as intelligent – silly man should have known better than to take you for granted. You most definitely are good enough! Sounds as tho you are too good for him. Sad tho huh? All of this could have been avoidable and now when he has to work on it – he just doesn’t know how? Yes, its complicated, but its really not THAT complicated, you know. If we, the betrayed shit-on spouse can figure out how to fix what they have broken – then the M-effer who caused the shit, needs to man up!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Just read this – totally made me think of you.
      “Things are never as complicated as they seem. It is only our arrogance that prompts us to find complicated answers to simple problems”

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Excellently written. IMO no one can fault you. It was your choice from the beginning as to how you would handle it and you chose to try. In the end you are choosing to walk. He made his choice and you made yours. No one, including him, has to like it or agree with it. You certainly didn’t like or agree with his cheating and didn’t get a say so. Head up. Walk confidently. Be proud and go forward and kick ass in life 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Actually, I havent said anything to my husband about my decision. He doesn’t deserve the heads up and I don’t want to deal with attitude until I am completely ready to walk out. So for now, I am distancing myself, less affection, less quality time and actively searching for an affordable place for me and my lil minions. Head held high and one foot in front of the other, Altho, I do trip occasionally 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  11. If you change your mind that is okay too (not that I am for either way) I am for team T!! It’s up to you and I agree with the others you haven’t given him false hope he is on his own in terms of hope for your marriage he can’t say he did all of this for you and now your leaving??
    What the hell kind of relationship is that anyway
    The reconciliation should not be a persons only reasoning to do good things in a Marriage or to achieve a desired result
    You should want to be a better person and treat others kindly because that’s import as a human
    Took a long time for Charles to come to terms that
    That he should be a kinder person because of himself and that speaks more to me anyway

    Liked by 1 person

  12. “The reconciliation should not be a persons only reasoning to do good things in a Marriage or to achieve a desired result
    You should want to be a better person and treat others kindly because that’s import as a human” … for sure!! Unfort. it is no longer about what my husband is doing now its what he DID. You get it prolly more then most becuz ur husband fucked your “friend” as well. Cheating is fucked up period but to go to the extremes of what mine did – pffft PLEASE! Not only did he fuck my so called “friend” whom he claimed was a sloppy slut but then he had threesomes with her boyfriend and her too. ICK!! Cheating is downright disrespectful but having threesomes with two men and a whore – oh come on now! To the left…. just has taken awhile for me to get to the acceptance stage that he valued me none …

    Liked by 1 person

  13. T- You’re my girl, Red! You are stronger than you know. I have been with you for almost every day and I am so proud of you. Tonight, I read back to your first post and I think back to our last phone call and I just have to say that you have almost made it lady! I am here no matter what time or how dumb it may seem… You’re my girl, Red! Time, distance and disagreements will never keep us apart again.

    Like

  14. I’ve read in some quarters that it is easier to get over a one night stand than a series of, or a lengthy affair of 3 months plus. As though there are grades of pain associated with the type and duration of affair. I struggled with this feeling. Am I an unnatural woman that I cannot put it aside and move on?
    My husband did it once on a transatlantic business trip whilst in San Francisco but it would have continued on the next trip – already set up. He was enmeshing himself. He lied when I questioned whether he was having an affair. He said – “well you do lie don’t you.” His first mistake. He said he’d been thinking how to get out of it. Start by owning up to being married! She was hardly down the road. I found him out. I emailed both of them to have it get it out in the open. Saved him a job.

    After 2yrs 8 mths of excavating affairs, reading round, studying fabulous blogs, working on me and trying to work him out (he has made little effort) I believe that he is a weak man, lacks assertion, lacks pride in what he had, and is unable to handle stress and conflict which is why he has almost consistently turned away when I have had triggers/tears/anger/hurt etc etc. He has Aspergers tendencies. He will not help himself. His own defence mechanisms maybe. He says it is not a case of ‘not wanting to’ however I don’t see any efforts. He’s happy with computer games and his individual interests and co-existing moderately miserably (his words).

    I feel similarily to you. The fracture of the marriage is in the lies, the deceit and the breaking of vows whether that be once or a thousand times. The first wrong choice made, the decision taken unilaterally for any reason/no reason – distraction, escapism. I see it as a lack of moral fibre and selfishness. It seems your husband has made efforts however as you write, sometimes it is just not possible to get past the crushing pain of the breaking of vows. The sanctity of marriage.

    One simple piece of writing has steered me to the decision to separate. The need to trust yourself – the inner knowledge of what is right and wrong for you. “When you learn to trust your feelings about your partner and learn to trust the wisdom that is always there for you then you become truly trustworthy of yourself.” It’s listening to that inner voice which in the past I’ve brushed aside and told myself ‘it’ll be fine’. My needs for safety, security and unconditional love are not met. I distrust.

    The other key element for me in reaching a decision about to stay or to go are the individual differences we all hold and our life experiences and how that impacts on what we are able to process and manage and what for our own safety and well being we need to walk away from. I don’t want to be embittered and twisted. I do care about him but don’t think I love him anymore. I’m certainly not in love with him. Even now, if he turned around and said he was going to make a concerted effort to understand himself and learn how to communicate I’d hang on but it’s been an insidious drip of ill thought out comments made,a lack of consideration, silence and withdrawal from me when I’m feeling anguished which has undermined me finally this year.

    It’s shite. I keep telling myself, we only have one life. I don’t give up easily however it takes 2 to Tango and I think one of us is standing in the corner sitting this dance out.
    One of my friends was blunt and succinct. “He lied. How can you ever trust him? I’d tell him to f**ck off” Unfortunately I think there is truth there.

    You take as much time as you need. Did I read that you’re looking for somewhere for you and your tinies. Why should you move out?

    I fear I’ve blethered on. Succinct and me don’t go together!
    Listen to your inner voice. x

    Like

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