Inhale. Exhale

I am so tired of trying to make our marriage work. Trying to make our marriage better. Trying to change some of my ways. Trying to understand or figure out my husband, his needs, and our “new” marriage. And more or less, trying to forgive his selfish, tasteless affair.

I just don’t want to care anymore. And really, I think I may just not!

We have both came so far since finding out my husband had been cheating on me. However…this marriage is just sooo much work. Too much work if you ask me. I mean, before knowing that he had betrayed me, I would have put as much work as I needed to in order to make our marriage happy. But, I was not even given that chance before he stepped out (in reality, I didn’t even know he was unhappy – truth is – cuz he wasn’t). And now, the everyday problems that we do have on top of knowing that he is “one of those” (a cheater) … working on being a better him, a better me, and an even better us…is exhausting!!

Its kinda messed up but I am pretty much sure my husband is feeling the same way. Of course, he doesn’t just come out and say it but I sense it in his actions. Which we all know, when it comes to a cheater, their actions speak louder than their words because they are cowards and don’t really say how they feel.

My goal was to make it at least two years since D-day, then I would either re-commit to my marriage or exit myself to the left. Right now, I am just hoping to make it through the holidays.

I havent given up quite yet and I hope I never do…

…but the holidays are so overwhelming and so is marriage after betrayal …

..just breathe!…

You got this T!

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Inhale. Exhale

  1. I agree.. Lately I’ve felt as if this guy is really not worth all my trouble..
    I’m sure there are less messed up to even be remotely connected to right?
    Which sounds so narcissistic of me because am I better than Charles.. And I want to tout back and say FUCK yeah I am!! But I am not I’m just stronger in the area of loyalty and not being a complete douche bag when it comes to people..

    I agree it’s so mentally draining to be with a reformed slut/liar. I mean that’s what Charles is to me.. He’s reformed like a junkie, and reformed just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It always has in terms of the husband.

    I know God loves me and I feel that what’s best for me will be revealed to me.. I’m not sure today, tomorrow, or years from now.. But I still think romance is alive and well. So is care, compassion, honesty, and loyalty.

    Is it in this marriage? I don’t think so.. He waits for me like a lovestruck puppy, or gives me my space..

    I like the space part because sometimes the cray in me wants to just bail and put myself in a worse situation than what I’m in now..

    Which is something I DO NOT want to do..

    Here’s to the holiday.. I celebrate a Merry Christmas because despite the concrete that Charles and Kendra put on top of me.. I’m growing a stronger flower, and one where no one will be ever to make me feel as dark as these past years..

    Because I will not let them. I evaluate Charles more than ever now, his intentions, but I also evaluate mine.. because for some reason I found him, found comfort in his dysfunction and was drawn to it like a fly to poop happily grazing, happily resting and playing in dung.. until I realized WTF?? am I doing.. and I suppose I’m happy to not be in poop, to not be controlled, or contained, or to feel less than to any man I am with..

    But the lack of romance, lack of loyalty, gets to me many a days..

    I miss being in love.. but what I miss that was not love at all..

    And I remember finding a quote on Pinterest saying..

    “Dear girl take heart because how terrible to love the wrong person, but how beautiful it will be to love the right one.”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think we all have days like this, where we just stop and wonder “why am I putting myself through this?” And then there are those days when we know exactly what we are fighting for. I remind myself daily that when those bad days seem like they are everyday and I no longer have the good days, then I am truly done.

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  3. I’m a guy. I’ve never cheated. But that doesn’t mean much, either. You see, there are a lot of people in LIFELESS relationships who can say, “I’ve never cheated.” While I’m not a proponent of cheating, I also don’t believe that not cheating, in and of itself, makes a relationship special! That should NOT BE THE LITMUS TEST FOR A GOOD RELATIONSHIP! What should be? You tell me, as it’s person-dependent.

    Like

  4. “We have both came so far since finding out my husband had been cheating on me. However…this marriage is just sooo much work. Too much work if you ask me. I mean, before knowing that he had betrayed me, I would have put as much work as I needed to in order to make our marriage happy. But, I was not even given that chance before he stepped out (in reality, I didn’t even know he was unhappy – truth is – cuz he wasn’t). And now, the everyday problems that we do have on top of knowing that he is “one of those” (a cheater) … working on being a better him, a better me, and an even better us…is exhausting!!”

    This is exactly where I am right now. The work is exhausting. I was also blind-sighted because our marriage was happy and loving. If he was unhappy it was literally for the moment that he stepped out. I deserved the chance to know and try to make it right, but of course I will never be able to do that now. Just one of the many things that you have to put on a smile and accept when you’re the injured spouse.

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