Deuce -s

When dealing with infidelity in a marriage – the 2 year mark is posed to be some magical number when recovery is at its finest…

When I decided to try and forgive and to try and stay in my marriage after my husband went dumpster diving – I honestly had no idea what I was up against! I just knew I had to beat the odds against us. Altho he made us a statistic by cheating, I was going to make us kick that statistic in the ass by being the couple that would survive infidelity.

They say – don’t act irrationally. Give it time, give it time.  – So I did. So I have. I have had so much time to think about the reality of it all, every. little. thing. that was said and done during his years of cheating on me. and how much deceiving took place and how much work it had to be to accomplish the types of sins that he did. I used to cry. Uncontrollably. At the thought of any of this. Thinking about my family being broken because some thirsty slut and my weak husband would bring me to my knees. My heart was sooo broken.

The whole first year after D-day was so painful. I really cant even put in to words how excruciating it was.( if you are a b.s – you already know) However, I lived and my marriage has survived 2 years later…

We are doing so much better now and my husband continues to do everything he should.

I love him. I have lots of love for him. And I am so thankful he got his head out of his ass and stayed with me through all the shit he caused instead of running away  and staying gone because he had fucked up so terribly and  because he did not know how to fix it.

But this is where things get a lil twisted…

I have yet to fully recover.

I am a changed person – yet how can I not be.

People are human and people make mistakes. However, in our situation – the truth didn’t come out because he felt bad and knew what he had done was a mistake. Oh hell no. And even when I did have undeniable truth, the truth still trickled out for an entire year. He made me literally beg for every answer and even beg for him to stay. I think this has put a huge block in my recovery because I feel as tho he was basically forced with telling the truth and stopping what he was engaging in instead of the truth coming out of the goodness of his heart. The depth of all his betrayal still has me fucked up.

I still do not have any forgiveness for my husband. None at all. I do not look at him the same. His words are not as valued. I no longer feel as tho I can commit myself 100% to the man who showed me no loyalty. I don’t feel secure that he will always have me in his best interest. I don’t think I will ever feel that security from him again. However, with all that said  I do  still see a wonderful man, he truly is. I will always love him. Yet, I no longer love him whole heartedly.

Two years later…

I can honestly say tho that I am glad I waited instead of running far away or to the courthouse.

It gave me time to get stronger.

It gave me time to still see and feel that love for my husband who I had thought was a monster for doing me so wrong.

It gave me time to get my confidence back.

It also gave me time to finally believe that his affair really had nothing to do with me. That it truly wasnt my fault at all. It seriously took me the whole two years to say that and to really mean it.

2 years later…

The teetering question of “do I stay” or “do I go” has finally become clear.

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17 thoughts on “Deuce -s

  1. Having gone through a similar experience myself (as a husband), I really appreciate you sharing your experience and feelings. I think that once you’ve committed wholeheartedly to stay or go, you’ll find that, eventually, you’ll look back and wonder what took you so long.

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  2. So you’ll leave or will stay? I get what you mean about what they say having no value anymore. Do you still feel you have to verify whether he’s telling the truth?
    If my husband says the sky is blue I would still check. I’ve lost respect for him because he didn’t respect me. Yes we all make mistakes but it’s how you try to fix it that speaks volumes about who you really are. My husband also made me bed for answers, he continued to lie, blame shifted etc etc, he’s either a selfish coward or selfish and cold hearted – either one is no good for me so I won’t be staying.
    Wishing you continued strength in your journey xx

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  3. This is good to read. I’m at 18 months out and things are calmed down a lot! I don’t think about the affair all day/every day anymore. The hurt is still there, I think it always will be. I have to focus on looking forward and not back. The future is full of promise while the past is ugly and painful.

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    • Your senses may be off 🙂 I am gonna write a more clear post about my decision beings as I left ppl hanging… but thanks – I enjoy our convos as well. And btw – glad you are accomplishing you goals and you even got it in with an ex. That’s whats up! May not have been what you were expecting but still… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. You’ve always been nice and kind to me. I’m better than what I was before, but I’m still hustling to be better. The things going on seem confusing to me. They seem surreal. I think I was having an off day when I banged my ex. I just think my focus is elsewhere. Not that I don’t like sex because I do. I dunno….hard to explain.

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    • ahh! Way too busy at work today then afterwards – shots! (been one of those weeks) lol so prolly not updating till Monday. Sorry bud…hope you have a nice weekend!

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