The End

 

High five bud! WE are fucking awesome!

We have weathered storms.

Created superstars

Fought crock-a- dillies ūüėõ

Moved Mountains

Been to hell and back…

Our journey has been real! (for the most part) – on my behalf it was 100!

WE have put on quite a show, but now the curtains closing

I know I am no longer treating you right – u deserve better and so do I. I don’t even like how I treat you anymore – even if it is a reaction to an action.

I have way too much love and respect in my heart for you, for us, for our family

I refuse to go out like that. I refuse to go down in flames.

Lets go out with some pride and dignity.

Lets be that couple who doesn’t end in hatred. We end with love.

Please lets do this nicely. Proudly. With our heads held high. We failed at marriage but lets not fail as parents. This is going to be the hardest on them. I just want to slowly part ways without just throwing it in their faces. We have 10+ years with each other. There is a lot to sort out. No need for hostility. Do your part as a father and I will do mine as a mother – no need to even involve courts – that is not my motive.

WE should actually be very proud of ourselves.

Who would have ever thought we would make it as long as we did??…

When we first got together – we were just kids.

You, my dear husband are my favorite mistake and most definitely my hardest goodbye!

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As you all can see… I have decided to walk away from my marriage. His infidelity played a huge roll in my decision, but it wasn’t all of it. Before his disgustingness came out, we had problems. I thought they were just everyday life problems, problems that I could handle and that we would always move forward from.¬†but now, now that I have had to dissect every thing, I no longer see the rest of my life with him. The little problems, on top of infidelity is just too much for me to live with. I mean I could live with it but I don’t think I will ever feel “ful-filled” I will feel like I am just settling. Cheating to me always was a deal breaker. I tried to work through it, excuse it, forgive it, whatever… in the end… it was still my deal breaker…

I don’t know how to say any of this to my husband. I know he is going to make this hell on me.¬† I don’t want to go into great depths about our shortcomings or anything like that. I don’t want to cry about any of it anymore. I¬†just want to get it over with. But why -Why does it have to be so hard to say goodbye!!???? Is this too much to ask ??

Deuce -s

When dealing with infidelity in a marriage – the 2 year mark is posed to be some magical number when recovery is at its finest…

When I decided to try and forgive and to try and stay in my marriage after my husband went dumpster diving РI honestly had no idea what I was up against! I just knew I had to beat the odds against us. Altho he made us a statistic by cheating, I was going to make us kick that statistic in the ass by being the couple that would survive infidelity.

They say – don’t act irrationally. Give it time, give it time.¬† –¬†So I did. So I have.¬†I have had so much time to think about the reality of it all, every. little. thing. that was said and done during his years of cheating on me.¬†and how much deceiving took place and how much work it had to be to accomplish the types of sins that he did. I used to cry. Uncontrollably.¬†At the thought of any of this.¬†Thinking about my family being broken because¬†some thirsty slut and my weak husband would bring me to my knees.¬†My heart was sooo broken.

The whole first year after D-day was so painful. I really cant even put in to words how excruciating it was.( if you are a b.s –¬†you already know)¬†However, I lived and my marriage has survived 2 years later…

We are doing so much better now and my husband continues to do everything he should.

I love him. I have lots of love for him. And I am so thankful he got his head out of his ass and stayed with me through all the shit he caused instead of running away  and staying gone because he had fucked up so terribly and  because he did not know how to fix it.

But¬†this is where things get a lil twisted…

I have yet to fully recover.

I am a changed person – yet how can I not be.

People are human and people¬†make mistakes.¬†However, in our situation – the truth didn’t come out because he felt bad and knew what he had done was a mistake. Oh hell no. And even when I did have undeniable truth,¬†the truth still¬†trickled out for an entire year.¬†He made me literally beg for every answer and¬†even beg for him to stay. I think this has put a huge block in my recovery because I feel as tho he was basically forced with telling the truth and stopping what he was engaging in instead of the truth¬†coming out of the goodness of his heart. The depth of all¬†his betrayal still has me fucked up.

I still do not have any forgiveness for my husband. None at all. I do not look at him the same. His words are not as valued. I no longer feel as tho I can commit myself 100% to the man¬†who showed me no loyalty. I don’t feel secure that he will always have me in his best interest. I don’t think I will ever feel that security from him again. However, with all that said¬†¬†I do¬†¬†still see a wonderful man, he truly is. I will always love him. Yet, I no longer love him whole heartedly.

Two years later…

I can honestly say tho that I am glad I waited instead of running far away or to the courthouse.

It gave me time to get stronger.

It gave me time to still see and feel that love for my husband who I had thought was a monster for doing me so wrong.

It gave me time to get my confidence back.

It also gave me time to finally believe that his affair really had nothing to do with me. That it truly wasnt my fault at all. It seriously took me the whole two years to say that and to really mean it.

2 years later…

The teetering question of “do I stay” or “do I go” has finally become clear.

Go Funk Yourself

Lately, I have been in a funk..

The smelly aftermath of infidelity funk.

16 months later and I am still feeling funky. ¬†I shake it off for the most part, but it is only temporarily. Every few days or so and there it is again – this funkiness…

The “eff you” and “eff this” funk, I’ve learned to handle this. When something “triggers” my memory and I think funk you, funk you, your cool …Im out funk. LOL This funk comes and goes daily. But at least the funk is here and gone in a quickness cuz I cant stay in the “funk the world” mood for long cuz being a bitter bitch sucks!

However, the should I stay or should I go funk. The constant limbo.This one has really been getting to me.¬† I can honestly say I just don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be with my man for the rest of my life, but now that he has betrayed me, I am not sure how I feel about being with him for foreverrrrr.¬† Sounds way too long, if heartbreak is involved anyways….My husband and I are both 31 years old and for infidelity to have already taken place so early on,¬†I cant help but question if my husband has it in him to stay monogamous in the future. Now I’m not saying he is going to go cheat¬†on me right away but to say he will remain faithful to me for another 10, 20, 30 +¬†years … sounds too good to be true or at least questionable¬†and I just don’t think I can be that vulnerable again, with him especially, beings as he hurt me more than anyone could have. I just don’t know…

WHAT THE FUNK!!?

I have given myself a deadline. Yes, 2 years from D-day (cuz that’s what therapists say is a good amount of time). If I have not 100%committed myself to fully staying in the marriage, if I can not find some-sort of forgiveness within me…I will exit myself to the left and no longer fake the funk!

STFU!

…I am beginning to see a pattern…

I am good about not talking about his affair, not saying that I don’t occasionally bring it up here or there with some little jab but all in all, I pretty much¬†don’t speak about it. However, after the work week, I like to indulge in some cocktails on the weekends. I am noticing that when I get a few cocktails in my system, lately, I have not been able to tame thy mouth. Actually, far from it. I have been spitting venom.¬† It’s like – I just want to get into the little mind of his cheating brain and figure out with the fuck he was thinking. And yet, when I am sober, I soooo don’t! Actually, I want just the opposite because I know I could never think or care so little to do what a cheater did/does. It’s all just too selfish and distasteful for me.

So, I think I am kinda stuck on my healing process.

Ya, I could never have a cocktail again… But that is dumb. I don’t have a problem with alcohol, so please spare me the lecture. I do however, enjoy a cocktail on the weekends. I just don’t know why I cant keep my mouth shut lately, while I am having a cocktail.

I know I am far from forgiving my husband. But I know I want to someday. And I know by me trying to figure out what went on in his puny lil brain of his while he was being such a pos to me isn’t doing me any good. It isn’t doing us any good. I keep reopening the wound. I don’t like it at all!

And truth is, we have gone over it over and over again, so why cant I just completely let it go!? There is nothing new to be told. He fucked some trailer park trash several times and then continued to entertain the idea for quite sometime after. IS WHAT IT IS! I cant change it. I get it..

So STOP T! Stop replaying it over and over again. Stop thinking – shoulda, coulda, woulda. And stop – stop asking WHY!! It really makes no difference anymore. We are working through it, quit stepping back into the FUNK!

I guess – just one more thing to work on……

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Overthinking

Went¬†on a mini vaycay with the husband. I call it a mini vaycay cuz we stayed in the same state. We went to this 5-star cabin. It was so private and secluded. Just him and I. It was pretty much perfect. We fished our lil hearts out. I had promised myself not to bring up his nasty affair. Did real good but I did slip on the first night. It’s just so hard sometimes when he is pointing out faults in others and how they get what they deserve. Huh? And how he is trying so hard to be good for me/us… like wtf!?! You have to “try” to be good…how does that not come natural?? Somehow we got on the topic of if he ever ran into one of the two scuz buckets (I mean we do live in a small town and they do live about a mile up the road from us, so chances are he will run into them). And the truth is, they would love for him to still join their relationship so it would be up to him to determine that result. He says he wouldn’t even say a¬†word if he ever ran into either one of them. Sounds good, but he is a weak minded man, pretty sure he would jump in their ride and get sucked off by both as all 5 of the trailer park kids watched. Alright alright, pry not but as you can see, I have not a whole lot¬†of faith in his words compared to his actions. Although the affair subject came up, we did get past it and really never mentioned it again on our get-a-way, so all in all we had a real nice time. With that being said, I may not have voiced some of the “triggers” but I definitely had some wondering thoughts…

A thought that was there and gone was… with such a beautiful, secluded scenery… am I having a good time because I am with the one I love? OR could I have a good time with¬†just about anyone because¬†how could I not love such an amazing place??

…Whatev tho¬†… doesn’t really make a difference…

The following weekend home from vaycay, my husbands friend is getting married and he had a bachelor party to go to. Normally, I could have cared less if there was gonna be strippers or if he was gonna be out till wee-morning hours drinking. But obviously my man can not conduct himself like a married man should, so I was feeling “some type of way” about him going. The night before the party,¬†I made some comments that weren’t the nicest, but I cant really apologize for saying how I feel. That’s like saying sorry for keeping it real. The next morning he gave me a kiss and off he went to the bachelor party. He called me as soon as he got off the river and even invited me to the party. I was actually proud of him. I did show up and we stayed for a drink or two then finished the night at our own house and I can honestly say, we had a good night. Glad the bachelor party is over though.

I hate to feel like I need to keep him next to me all the time in order to feel comfortable with his actions. I truly don’t feel as though he is fucking around right now, but when? When is he going to make that decision to break his vows again?? I mean they are already broken at this point. Marriage didn’t keep him faithful, family didn’t keep him faithful, history didn’t play a part,¬†and obviously, I didn’t keep him faithful either…so what will??? He is trying for now, but when will the weak man give up again?????

I don’t want to set him up for failure, but come on now, he failed…

I know I need to just concentrate on the present and not look back on the past but its so hard to invest in someone who now has a history of wrong doing. Of doing ME wrong!

I don’t look at him the same.

I don’t look at me the same.

I don’t look at us the same.

…We are completely different…

..The difference can be a good thing, but it came because of all the wrong reasons…

Catch 22 ay??!!

I don’t have the answers to these questions I think¬†in my mind. Nor do I think I ever really will.¬†Not even really sure if I want to know the answers. Useless thinking… I think.¬†But¬†still..¬†looking at my husband and our relationship with “doubt” …blows!! I liked it so much more when it/I felt more¬†secure and I didn’t question or overthink¬†everything…..

My Great Excape

Had a nice weekend with my lil crew. Friday after work, stayed home but stayed up having late night convos with my husband. We ended our night with some good love making. Saturday started off with my sons basketball game, followed it up by taking our kids to a new place for brunch. Food with my fam ‚̧ ūüôā ! Then for the most part, we all just stayed home watching movies, having drawing contests, and of course.. stuffing our face with good eats. Nice and lazy weekend with the people I love most.

Now, its back to the work grind! As much as I love the weekend, I used to love them more.¬†Between my mom or my mother-in-law, we¬†usually have a sitter¬†on Friday nights, so I would come home from work and get all dolled up. We would go out to dinner and then meet up with “friends” or my husband and I would venture off somewhere by ourselves. I’m not so into that anymore. Although only a few select people know about my husbands disgusting affair, I still can’t stand the thought of hanging out with our people, laughing and carrying on as if nothing in our lives have changed. At this moment, I am ashamed of my relationship, ashamed of my husband, I can’t fake the funk as if I still hold him on his high pedestal, as if I am proud of him and our relationship.

The weekends come and go so¬†quickly, and as much as I enjoy spending the time as a family (and specially with¬†my kiddos)¬†and of course, not having to wake up bright and early and rush out the door to be gone for 8 hours,¬†I am also very thankful to return to work (I cant believe I¬†just said that out loud). LOL Being at work takes my wondering¬†thoughts off of the constant mind-fuck of replaying the affair.¬†¬†When the “truth” of the affair first came out, I had to force myself to go to work, shoot, I had to force myself to crawl out of bed, to breath, to live, I thought work was gonna be the death of me but now I see, it’s my sanity (in a way). A place where I can get away and stay focused on something other then why my heart hurts.

It took me years and dedication¬†to accomplish where I am at in life and I expect even greater things to come, with or without my husband. I spent several years devoting my all as a wife and a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I did continue to¬†pursue going to college part-time during those years because I never wanted to be a woman who could not support myself incase my husband and I didn’t work out and¬†as much as I hated thinking that we may not be together forever, the reality is, a lot of marriages fail and I had always heard / read of the horror stories of how the woman had been married for 20 years, never had any real education or work experience, the marriage¬†ended and now she didn’t know¬†how to be financially stable. That¬†wasn’t gonna be me! Thank fuckin god I have a mind of my own and didn’t listen to my husband who swore he would always take care of me. Thank god I graduated college and ended up with a good career. No matter if I end up with a broken home, regardless if my marriage fails…¬†I am a success!!¬†That alone, keeps my head held high.

Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind!

Mondays are my new fundays!