Epic Fail

Just to put this out there….

When you cheat and still want to stay with your partner, it is no longer your choice, its theirs.

What I mean by that is just because you are oh-so-sorry. Just because you show complete remorse and have takin all the steps to prove yourself and to show you know you fucked up. Just because you have done every. single. thing possible to make things right again, does not mean the partner that YOU CHEATED ON is going to stay with you.

Lets make this very clear…

Yes, my husband cheated on me. It may (or may not – who knows with liars) have been a handful of times within the 4 years that it all began. That is irrelevant. HE STILL CHEATED!

He didn’t confess out of the kindness of his heart. (And even when he had to confess, I literally had to beat it out of him)

He didn’t stop after a one time fuck up or even two times. He kept doing it and continued to allow the cum-bucket to think he was still thirsty for more.

He broke our vows.

He broke many promises.

He broke my fucking heart!!

Now yes, for two years now he has done pretty much everything possible to prove to me how deeply sorry he is.

There has been no contact with Scuz or Crusty.

He isn’t being a shady mo-fo.

He is constantly showing and telling me how much he loves me and blah blah blah

Honestly, none of this matters to me anymore.

IDGAF!

It has nothing to do with what he is or is not doing.

What is done – is done.

I have been criticized for allowing my husband to have false hopes. That if he does x,y,z… I will forgive him and stay married. That he did x,y,z yet it took me two years to finally decide I still want a divorce.

Don’t judge me!

I hoped that I could (stay with him). The only way we would both have a chance at saving our marriage was to try, right?

I love him. Always will.

But…

I will never allow this man an opportunity to destroy me like that again. And in my heart, I know he is capable of being a real piece of shit, I don’t get down with fake ass people. Specially be married to one – ya fuckin right! I am only as loyal to you as you are to me! So in order to save myself ( and really, to save him), I want out.

People keep saying “ but what if he does this or that’s messed up, he has done everything”

Lets not forget…

HE FAILED ME!!

WE tried to reconcile and remain married.

I can not.

Sorry boo boo

Guess I failed too

t

The End

 

High five bud! WE are fucking awesome!

We have weathered storms.

Created superstars

Fought crock-a- dillies 😛

Moved Mountains

Been to hell and back…

Our journey has been real! (for the most part) – on my behalf it was 100!

WE have put on quite a show, but now the curtains closing

I know I am no longer treating you right – u deserve better and so do I. I don’t even like how I treat you anymore – even if it is a reaction to an action.

I have way too much love and respect in my heart for you, for us, for our family

I refuse to go out like that. I refuse to go down in flames.

Lets go out with some pride and dignity.

Lets be that couple who doesn’t end in hatred. We end with love.

Please lets do this nicely. Proudly. With our heads held high. We failed at marriage but lets not fail as parents. This is going to be the hardest on them. I just want to slowly part ways without just throwing it in their faces. We have 10+ years with each other. There is a lot to sort out. No need for hostility. Do your part as a father and I will do mine as a mother – no need to even involve courts – that is not my motive.

WE should actually be very proud of ourselves.

Who would have ever thought we would make it as long as we did??…

When we first got together – we were just kids.

You, my dear husband are my favorite mistake and most definitely my hardest goodbye!

_________________________________________________________

As you all can see… I have decided to walk away from my marriage. His infidelity played a huge roll in my decision, but it wasn’t all of it. Before his disgustingness came out, we had problems. I thought they were just everyday life problems, problems that I could handle and that we would always move forward from. but now, now that I have had to dissect every thing, I no longer see the rest of my life with him. The little problems, on top of infidelity is just too much for me to live with. I mean I could live with it but I don’t think I will ever feel “ful-filled” I will feel like I am just settling. Cheating to me always was a deal breaker. I tried to work through it, excuse it, forgive it, whatever… in the end… it was still my deal breaker…

I don’t know how to say any of this to my husband. I know he is going to make this hell on me.  I don’t want to go into great depths about our shortcomings or anything like that. I don’t want to cry about any of it anymore. I just want to get it over with. But why -Why does it have to be so hard to say goodbye!!???? Is this too much to ask ??

Deuce -s

When dealing with infidelity in a marriage – the 2 year mark is posed to be some magical number when recovery is at its finest…

When I decided to try and forgive and to try and stay in my marriage after my husband went dumpster diving – I honestly had no idea what I was up against! I just knew I had to beat the odds against us. Altho he made us a statistic by cheating, I was going to make us kick that statistic in the ass by being the couple that would survive infidelity.

They say – don’t act irrationally. Give it time, give it time.  – So I did. So I have. I have had so much time to think about the reality of it all, every. little. thing. that was said and done during his years of cheating on me. and how much deceiving took place and how much work it had to be to accomplish the types of sins that he did. I used to cry. Uncontrollably. At the thought of any of this. Thinking about my family being broken because some thirsty slut and my weak husband would bring me to my knees. My heart was sooo broken.

The whole first year after D-day was so painful. I really cant even put in to words how excruciating it was.( if you are a b.s – you already know) However, I lived and my marriage has survived 2 years later…

We are doing so much better now and my husband continues to do everything he should.

I love him. I have lots of love for him. And I am so thankful he got his head out of his ass and stayed with me through all the shit he caused instead of running away  and staying gone because he had fucked up so terribly and  because he did not know how to fix it.

But this is where things get a lil twisted…

I have yet to fully recover.

I am a changed person – yet how can I not be.

People are human and people make mistakes. However, in our situation – the truth didn’t come out because he felt bad and knew what he had done was a mistake. Oh hell no. And even when I did have undeniable truth, the truth still trickled out for an entire year. He made me literally beg for every answer and even beg for him to stay. I think this has put a huge block in my recovery because I feel as tho he was basically forced with telling the truth and stopping what he was engaging in instead of the truth coming out of the goodness of his heart. The depth of all his betrayal still has me fucked up.

I still do not have any forgiveness for my husband. None at all. I do not look at him the same. His words are not as valued. I no longer feel as tho I can commit myself 100% to the man who showed me no loyalty. I don’t feel secure that he will always have me in his best interest. I don’t think I will ever feel that security from him again. However, with all that said  I do  still see a wonderful man, he truly is. I will always love him. Yet, I no longer love him whole heartedly.

Two years later…

I can honestly say tho that I am glad I waited instead of running far away or to the courthouse.

It gave me time to get stronger.

It gave me time to still see and feel that love for my husband who I had thought was a monster for doing me so wrong.

It gave me time to get my confidence back.

It also gave me time to finally believe that his affair really had nothing to do with me. That it truly wasnt my fault at all. It seriously took me the whole two years to say that and to really mean it.

2 years later…

The teetering question of “do I stay” or “do I go” has finally become clear.

It’s All in My Head

I replay it..over. and. over. again….

No, not the disgustingness of my husbands affair (not anymore anyways)..

Actually, I am talking about …divorce. …

My two year deadline of dday is coming up this summer and I would love none other than to say I have committed to my husband and am forgiving him and moving on…with him and us together… however, as of now, I have yet to do either (commit or forgive.)

So…I play out the worst case scenario in my head ..

How I am going to sit him down and have the dreaded “its over” talk..?…

When…?.. (The exact two year date? Our anniversary – beings as it is close to then?…)

Where ..?…(In the comforts of our home?.. maybe a restaurant, but then there is the possibility of causing a scene…)

How to start the convo..?…

What he will say in response to my words..?…

When and if I have this talk, I don’t think a response from him will even be necessary cuz by then…it will be too late…my mind will be made up and there will be no talking me out of it. But still, part of me would love to see him beg for me as I walk away (yet he already has) so with that said, begging will not change my mind. I don’t want to hurt him, yet, I guess I kinda do.  I just want him to feel what he has lost and altho it will be too late for us, hopefully he will have learned a hard lesson ( at the price of my heart) but still, maybe in his future relationships, he will never cause that type of pain again. One could only hope so …

Unfortunately, if I decide to go the divorce route, I think it will come as an all out “surprise” and pure devastation to my husband. Of course, to him, things are good with us. And they are as good as it gets after finding out you are married to a cheating husband, but now, I carry the burden of what my husband has done (did) and I get to live with it, while the truth has set him free. And honestly, his problems, his past, are weighing heavy on me and it sounds refreshing and freeing to just say fuck it and fuck you!

Of course, I do try and think positive. That come the two-year deadline, I will chose to stay and completely move on from his betrayal instead of leaving him. However, when I reenact that scenario, it doesn’t seem as fulfilling. To see the devastation in his eyes when I say I still want a divorce even after he has done everything possible to try and fix his fuck ups seems more on my level.  …kind of twisted… I just  kind of feel  like if I stay with him, I am just settling. I deserved / deserve so much more! I was /am loyal and loving (amongst a ton of other good things) and I expected / expect the same!  .. He knew that as soon as he fucked up one time that I would leave him. He knew the chances he took when he did what he did, yet he still did it. And to say NOW he knows – now he knows what he has and what he will lose –  that’s a fuckin joke too because he already KNEW! He says he kept lying because he didn’t want to lose me,… so he kept doing it?… wtf!! He says because Scuz (the whore) had already had one on him and he felt trapped… so continue doing it..??….um, come again, cuz I dont get it!! Instead, he should have been a real man and confessed the first time I asked so it didn’t continue. I could have accepted and forgave a one time MISTAKE. But to continue on 5 times more and to then even engage in a three-some with her Crusty boyfriend…um… keep it real, that is not feeling terrible, that is not feeling guilty, and that is not feeling trapped!..That isn’t a mistake… that was your god-damn CHOICE!!!

Staying with him means living with his past (which is essentially OUR past). I really cant stand the thought of having flashbacks about this for the rest of our lives together. And no matter how I handle myself, how much he has changed, it – his betrayal, is apart of OUR story together – which makes me wanna throw the fuck up,  throw him the fuck out, and completely re-write my story with a different, hopefully loyal, man!

I can play it out in my head as if it is going to go one way but it will prolly go completely opposite. A victim of my own mind. ..

.. just because its all in my head tho, doesn’t make it any less real…

 

 

 

 

 

Go Funk Yourself

Lately, I have been in a funk..

The smelly aftermath of infidelity funk.

16 months later and I am still feeling funky.  I shake it off for the most part, but it is only temporarily. Every few days or so and there it is again – this funkiness…

The “eff you” and “eff this” funk, I’ve learned to handle this. When something “triggers” my memory and I think funk you, funk you, your cool …Im out funk. LOL This funk comes and goes daily. But at least the funk is here and gone in a quickness cuz I cant stay in the “funk the world” mood for long cuz being a bitter bitch sucks!

However, the should I stay or should I go funk. The constant limbo.This one has really been getting to me.  I can honestly say I just don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be with my man for the rest of my life, but now that he has betrayed me, I am not sure how I feel about being with him for foreverrrrr.  Sounds way too long, if heartbreak is involved anyways….My husband and I are both 31 years old and for infidelity to have already taken place so early on, I cant help but question if my husband has it in him to stay monogamous in the future. Now I’m not saying he is going to go cheat on me right away but to say he will remain faithful to me for another 10, 20, 30 + years … sounds too good to be true or at least questionable and I just don’t think I can be that vulnerable again, with him especially, beings as he hurt me more than anyone could have. I just don’t know…

WHAT THE FUNK!!?

I have given myself a deadline. Yes, 2 years from D-day (cuz that’s what therapists say is a good amount of time). If I have not 100%committed myself to fully staying in the marriage, if I can not find some-sort of forgiveness within me…I will exit myself to the left and no longer fake the funk!

STFU!

…I am beginning to see a pattern…

I am good about not talking about his affair, not saying that I don’t occasionally bring it up here or there with some little jab but all in all, I pretty much don’t speak about it. However, after the work week, I like to indulge in some cocktails on the weekends. I am noticing that when I get a few cocktails in my system, lately, I have not been able to tame thy mouth. Actually, far from it. I have been spitting venom.  It’s like – I just want to get into the little mind of his cheating brain and figure out with the fuck he was thinking. And yet, when I am sober, I soooo don’t! Actually, I want just the opposite because I know I could never think or care so little to do what a cheater did/does. It’s all just too selfish and distasteful for me.

So, I think I am kinda stuck on my healing process.

Ya, I could never have a cocktail again… But that is dumb. I don’t have a problem with alcohol, so please spare me the lecture. I do however, enjoy a cocktail on the weekends. I just don’t know why I cant keep my mouth shut lately, while I am having a cocktail.

I know I am far from forgiving my husband. But I know I want to someday. And I know by me trying to figure out what went on in his puny lil brain of his while he was being such a pos to me isn’t doing me any good. It isn’t doing us any good. I keep reopening the wound. I don’t like it at all!

And truth is, we have gone over it over and over again, so why cant I just completely let it go!? There is nothing new to be told. He fucked some trailer park trash several times and then continued to entertain the idea for quite sometime after. IS WHAT IT IS! I cant change it. I get it..

So STOP T! Stop replaying it over and over again. Stop thinking – shoulda, coulda, woulda. And stop – stop asking WHY!! It really makes no difference anymore. We are working through it, quit stepping back into the FUNK!

I guess – just one more thing to work on……

cc6f2fd7d53050b39279f17e4bfd7095

Ding! Ding!

I have thought long and hard about the answers to my previous post:

Do I not hurt anymore because I am numb?

I feel as though I have worked through most of the emotions, not just tucked them away, hoping they would never surface again. My husband and I have overly discussed how he even put us in this horror story and how to avoid ever getting put back in the scene again. I have cried, begged, screamed, fought, and gone through every emotion possible after finding out what he had done. So, to say I am numb…maybe in a sense. But I think it is more of acceptance of knowing I can’t change what has been done so I no longer want to feel anything that has to do with it anymore.

Does it not hurt anymore because I just don’t give a shit?

I think I answered that with my next line – I don’t feel as though I have given up … therefore, I obviously still give a shit. I have just let the whole betrayal consume my every thought for so many months that I wish I no longer did give a shit. Why can’t I be one of those females who doesn’t feel as though meaningless sex is the ultimate betrayal? BUT commitment and monogamy is  very important when it comes to key elements of what I want out of my marriage. If I wanted an open relationship, my husband fucking a ratchet whore obviously wouldn’t have hurt so bad. The false promises that he made saying he would forsake all others and all the other lies have now made me very hesitant to be so vulnerable and willing to care and respect someone who was such a disappointment. So for now, it makes me hurt less to brush my shoulder off and say I just don’t give a shit, when we all know, I really do. I just don’t want to be hurt again.

Does it not hurt anymore because my relationship, my husband, “love” just doesn’t really matter to me anymore?

(See above) I have not given up. Obviously, I am still with my husband. Working on making our marriage better every. single. day.  Therefore, my relationship, my husband, and “love” period, still matters to me immensely!! Everything has just changed. WE have came along way since D-day and just because my husband is not the man I thought he was, just because our relationship wasn’t as special to him as he always portrayed, and just because “love” bit me in the ass, doesn’t mean none of it can’t be good. It can, and it will be. I hope we can even say it is better then it was. It is just different.

Does it not hurt anymore because I am healing?

I would like to think – yes! Yet, I know it still can hurt if I want to dig up old dirt. So, I am not taking this healing process for granted. I have my good and bad days but man does it feel good to even say I AM healing. For a while, I wasn’t sure it was going to be possible to find my way through this infidelity torture and stay with my husband. I just didn’t know what the hell to do with my marriage, let alone, what to even do with myself. All the pain was beginning to be just too much for lil ‘o me. However… it didn’t break me and now, I believe I am stronger then I was!!

So, to sum it all up “it hurt because it mattered” and just because “shit doesn’t hurt no more”, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter 🙂