STFU!

…I am beginning to see a pattern…

I am good about not talking about his affair, not saying that I don’t occasionally bring it up here or there with some little jab but all in all, I pretty much don’t speak about it. However, after the work week, I like to indulge in some cocktails on the weekends. I am noticing that when I get a few cocktails in my system, lately, I have not been able to tame thy mouth. Actually, far from it. I have been spitting venom.  It’s like – I just want to get into the little mind of his cheating brain and figure out with the fuck he was thinking. And yet, when I am sober, I soooo don’t! Actually, I want just the opposite because I know I could never think or care so little to do what a cheater did/does. It’s all just too selfish and distasteful for me.

So, I think I am kinda stuck on my healing process.

Ya, I could never have a cocktail again… But that is dumb. I don’t have a problem with alcohol, so please spare me the lecture. I do however, enjoy a cocktail on the weekends. I just don’t know why I cant keep my mouth shut lately, while I am having a cocktail.

I know I am far from forgiving my husband. But I know I want to someday. And I know by me trying to figure out what went on in his puny lil brain of his while he was being such a pos to me isn’t doing me any good. It isn’t doing us any good. I keep reopening the wound. I don’t like it at all!

And truth is, we have gone over it over and over again, so why cant I just completely let it go!? There is nothing new to be told. He fucked some trailer park trash several times and then continued to entertain the idea for quite sometime after. IS WHAT IT IS! I cant change it. I get it..

So STOP T! Stop replaying it over and over again. Stop thinking – shoulda, coulda, woulda. And stop – stop asking WHY!! It really makes no difference anymore. We are working through it, quit stepping back into the FUNK!

I guess – just one more thing to work on……

Friend or Foe

 .. the problem with this is you can’t tell the difference between the two anymore.

One of the most hurtful things about betrayal, is it never comes from your enemy. Betrayal hurts so much because you trusted that person to never stoop to the low-levels of an enemy.

I have a select amount of people I would actually call “friends”. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Most people are just acquaintances – people who think they know my business, who want to know my business, but need to get the fuck out my business.   The few that I do have as real friends are people who have been in my life for many years but unfortunately, most are long distance relationships.

Friend – is a deep word to me. I know I am a good friend. I am a good person period! Once we have formed that bond, guess you can say, in a way, I am hopelessly devoted to you. And really, the same should and usually is reciprocated.

Unfortunately, my lover and friend, the one I chose, who vowed to never betray me and to keep me safe from all harm, ended up being apart of the fake fucks and hurting me most, more then any other person ever could have.

And the tramp he fucked – she used to call me her best friend – LOL. I now know why she called me her “best” friend – because I was unknowingly sharing my “better” half. Sick twisted bitch was getting the best of both worlds – a girl friend and a friend – with – benefits.

I know I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not fake!

Fuck a fake friend, where your real friends at?