The End

 

High five bud! WE are fucking awesome!

We have weathered storms.

Created superstars

Fought crock-a- dillies ūüėõ

Moved Mountains

Been to hell and back…

Our journey has been real! (for the most part) – on my behalf it was 100!

WE have put on quite a show, but now the curtains closing

I know I am no longer treating you right – u deserve better and so do I. I don’t even like how I treat you anymore – even if it is a reaction to an action.

I have way too much love and respect in my heart for you, for us, for our family

I refuse to go out like that. I refuse to go down in flames.

Lets go out with some pride and dignity.

Lets be that couple who doesn’t end in hatred. We end with love.

Please lets do this nicely. Proudly. With our heads held high. We failed at marriage but lets not fail as parents. This is going to be the hardest on them. I just want to slowly part ways without just throwing it in their faces. We have 10+ years with each other. There is a lot to sort out. No need for hostility. Do your part as a father and I will do mine as a mother – no need to even involve courts – that is not my motive.

WE should actually be very proud of ourselves.

Who would have ever thought we would make it as long as we did??…

When we first got together – we were just kids.

You, my dear husband are my favorite mistake and most definitely my hardest goodbye!

_________________________________________________________

As you all can see… I have decided to walk away from my marriage. His infidelity played a huge roll in my decision, but it wasn’t all of it. Before his disgustingness came out, we had problems. I thought they were just everyday life problems, problems that I could handle and that we would always move forward from.¬†but now, now that I have had to dissect every thing, I no longer see the rest of my life with him. The little problems, on top of infidelity is just too much for me to live with. I mean I could live with it but I don’t think I will ever feel “ful-filled” I will feel like I am just settling. Cheating to me always was a deal breaker. I tried to work through it, excuse it, forgive it, whatever… in the end… it was still my deal breaker…

I don’t know how to say any of this to my husband. I know he is going to make this hell on me.¬† I don’t want to go into great depths about our shortcomings or anything like that. I don’t want to cry about any of it anymore. I¬†just want to get it over with. But why -Why does it have to be so hard to say goodbye!!???? Is this too much to ask ??

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Deuce -s

When dealing with infidelity in a marriage – the 2 year mark is posed to be some magical number when recovery is at its finest…

When I decided to try and forgive and to try and stay in my marriage after my husband went dumpster diving РI honestly had no idea what I was up against! I just knew I had to beat the odds against us. Altho he made us a statistic by cheating, I was going to make us kick that statistic in the ass by being the couple that would survive infidelity.

They say – don’t act irrationally. Give it time, give it time.¬† –¬†So I did. So I have.¬†I have had so much time to think about the reality of it all, every. little. thing. that was said and done during his years of cheating on me.¬†and how much deceiving took place and how much work it had to be to accomplish the types of sins that he did. I used to cry. Uncontrollably.¬†At the thought of any of this.¬†Thinking about my family being broken because¬†some thirsty slut and my weak husband would bring me to my knees.¬†My heart was sooo broken.

The whole first year after D-day was so painful. I really cant even put in to words how excruciating it was.( if you are a b.s –¬†you already know)¬†However, I lived and my marriage has survived 2 years later…

We are doing so much better now and my husband continues to do everything he should.

I love him. I have lots of love for him. And I am so thankful he got his head out of his ass and stayed with me through all the shit he caused instead of running away  and staying gone because he had fucked up so terribly and  because he did not know how to fix it.

But¬†this is where things get a lil twisted…

I have yet to fully recover.

I am a changed person – yet how can I not be.

People are human and people¬†make mistakes.¬†However, in our situation – the truth didn’t come out because he felt bad and knew what he had done was a mistake. Oh hell no. And even when I did have undeniable truth,¬†the truth still¬†trickled out for an entire year.¬†He made me literally beg for every answer and¬†even beg for him to stay. I think this has put a huge block in my recovery because I feel as tho he was basically forced with telling the truth and stopping what he was engaging in instead of the truth¬†coming out of the goodness of his heart. The depth of all¬†his betrayal still has me fucked up.

I still do not have any forgiveness for my husband. None at all. I do not look at him the same. His words are not as valued. I no longer feel as tho I can commit myself 100% to the man¬†who showed me no loyalty. I don’t feel secure that he will always have me in his best interest. I don’t think I will ever feel that security from him again. However, with all that said¬†¬†I do¬†¬†still see a wonderful man, he truly is. I will always love him. Yet, I no longer love him whole heartedly.

Two years later…

I can honestly say tho that I am glad I waited instead of running far away or to the courthouse.

It gave me time to get stronger.

It gave me time to still see and feel that love for my husband who I had thought was a monster for doing me so wrong.

It gave me time to get my confidence back.

It also gave me time to finally believe that his affair really had nothing to do with me. That it truly wasnt my fault at all. It seriously took me the whole two years to say that and to really mean it.

2 years later…

The teetering question of “do I stay” or “do I go” has finally become clear.

It’s All in My Head

I replay it..over. and. over. again….

No, not the disgustingness of my husbands affair (not anymore anyways)..

Actually, I am talking about …divorce. …

My two year¬†deadline of dday¬†is coming up this summer and I would love none other than to say I have committed to my husband and am forgiving him and moving on…with him and us together… however, as of now, I have yet to do either (commit or forgive.)

So…I play out the worst case¬†scenario in my head ..

How I am going to sit him down and have the dreaded “its over” talk..?…

When…?.. (The exact two year date? Our anniversary – beings as it is close to then?…)

Where ..?…(In the comforts of our home?.. maybe a restaurant, but then there is the possibility of causing a scene…)

How to start the convo..?…

What he will say in response to my words..?…

When and if I have this talk, I don’t think a response from him will even be necessary cuz by then…it will be too late…my mind will be made up and there will be no talking me out of it. But still, part of me would love to see him beg for me as I walk away¬†(yet he already has) so with that said, begging will not change my mind. I don’t want to hurt him, yet, I guess I kinda do.¬† I just want him to feel what he has lost and altho¬†it will be too late for us, hopefully he will have learned a hard lesson ( at the price of my heart) but still, maybe in his future relationships, he will never cause that type of pain again. One could only hope so …

Unfortunately, if I decide to go the divorce route, I think it will come as an all out “surprise” and pure devastation¬†to my husband. Of course, to him, things are good with us. And they are as good as it gets after finding out you are married to a cheating husband, but now, I¬†carry the burden of what my husband has done (did) and I get to live with it, while the truth has set him free. And honestly, his problems, his past, are weighing heavy on me and it sounds refreshing and freeing to just say fuck it and fuck you!

Of course,¬†I do try and think positive. That come the two-year deadline, I will chose to stay and completely move on from his betrayal instead of leaving him. However, when I reenact that scenario, it doesn’t seem as fulfilling. To see the¬†devastation in his eyes when I say I still¬†want a divorce even after he has done everything possible to try and fix his fuck ups seems more on my level. ¬†…kind of twisted… I just¬† kind of feel¬† like if I stay with him, I am just settling. I deserved / deserve so much more! I was /am¬†loyal and loving (amongst a ton of other good things) and I expected / expect the same!¬† ..¬†He knew that as soon as he fucked up one time that I would leave him. He knew the chances he took when he did what he did, yet he still did it.¬†And to say NOW he knows – now he knows what he has and what he will lose – ¬†that’s a fuckin joke too because he already KNEW! He says he kept lying because he didn’t want to lose me,… so he kept doing it?… wtf!! He says because Scuz (the whore) had already had one on him and he felt trapped… so continue doing it..??….um, come again, cuz I dont get it!! Instead, he should have been a real man and confessed the first time I asked so it didn’t continue.¬†I could have accepted and forgave a one time MISTAKE. But to continue on 5 times more and to then even¬†engage in a three-some with her¬†Crusty¬†boyfriend…um… keep it real, that is not feeling terrible, that is not feeling guilty,¬†and that is not¬†feeling trapped!..That isn’t a mistake… that was your god-damn CHOICE!!!

Staying with him means living with his past (which is essentially OUR past). I really cant stand the thought of having flashbacks about this for the rest of our lives together. And no matter how I handle myself, how much he has changed, it Рhis betrayal, is apart of OUR story together Рwhich makes me wanna throw the fuck up,  throw him the fuck out, and completely re-write my story with a different, hopefully loyal, man!

I can play it out in my head as if it is going to go one way but it will prolly go completely opposite. A victim of my own mind. ..

.. just because its all in my head tho, doesn’t make it any less real…

 

 

 

 

 

Go Funk Yourself

Lately, I have been in a funk..

The smelly aftermath of infidelity funk.

16 months later and I am still feeling funky. ¬†I shake it off for the most part, but it is only temporarily. Every few days or so and there it is again – this funkiness…

The “eff you” and “eff this” funk, I’ve learned to handle this. When something “triggers” my memory and I think funk you, funk you, your cool …Im out funk. LOL This funk comes and goes daily. But at least the funk is here and gone in a quickness cuz I cant stay in the “funk the world” mood for long cuz being a bitter bitch sucks!

However, the should I stay or should I go funk. The constant limbo.This one has really been getting to me.¬† I can honestly say I just don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be with my man for the rest of my life, but now that he has betrayed me, I am not sure how I feel about being with him for foreverrrrr.¬† Sounds way too long, if heartbreak is involved anyways….My husband and I are both 31 years old and for infidelity to have already taken place so early on,¬†I cant help but question if my husband has it in him to stay monogamous in the future. Now I’m not saying he is going to go cheat¬†on me right away but to say he will remain faithful to me for another 10, 20, 30 +¬†years … sounds too good to be true or at least questionable¬†and I just don’t think I can be that vulnerable again, with him especially, beings as he hurt me more than anyone could have. I just don’t know…

WHAT THE FUNK!!?

I have given myself a deadline. Yes, 2 years from D-day (cuz that’s what therapists say is a good amount of time). If I have not 100%committed myself to fully staying in the marriage, if I can not find some-sort of forgiveness within me…I will exit myself to the left and no longer fake the funk!

I’m ALIVE

Holy Guacamole!!

Its been a year!

A whole freakin year since the wrath of his affair wrecked havoc on my life.

I cant call it D-day because even though its the day I first found undeniable proof that my husband was sexually¬†engaging with a scabby whore, the whole truth was trickled through out several months, not just one specific day. I mean obvi I found out he was fucking her ..and him.. (oh my fucking god) but details, times, sexting, and the extent of all of the disgusting betrayal came in bits and pieces. I’m sure if I still wanted to “dig” I would even find out more to this day.

This year sucked ass!! To put it mildly.. literally been to hell and back. (or am I even back yet) HA

But as of right now…today..

I don’t obsess over the affair anymore. Of course I¬†have weak moments, every effing day where something triggers me, but it is a thought that is quickly¬†there and gone. I refuse to let it fester in my mind anymore. I cant change it so why think about it. I don’t mention it to my husband anymore. He knows! He knows when he or I say something, that if it “triggers” any of his disgustingness, he rewords it and we just try and change it, change the convo¬†to a more positive outlook.¬†I don’t even have to say anything anymore. Nor do I want to. I am over throwing things in his face (or at him – literally) LOL. I can only beat him up for so long before it back fires. That time has come. Besides, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore, much less ever think about it again.

Shockingly, I am still married. I still love him – for many different reasons. However, am I in love with him?… I like to think that I still am. Actually,¬† would say that I am still, but I am trying to take the time to define and discover what that even really means, what it means to me anyways. I got with my husband when I was so young, I am unsure if I even know what being in love really is. At times, he knows just what to say to take a girls breath away. But, I dont get those butterflies in my tummy anymore. I dont feel as special. And unfortunately, he is not as special to me.¬†I still¬†question myself¬†if staying with him through such betrayal is the right decision …¬†I¬†wonder if I am staying with him because I know nothing else. I think I am scared to be on my own. I moved out from my moms house straight in with my husband so I have never been alone. And yet, although I am scared, I also find it intriguing. So I ask myself, “exactly how much are you going to accept¬†because you are afraid of the unknown?”¬†I have yet to discover that answer so I try not to dwell on it but silently I am searching for the right answer to satisfy me…

Do I trust my husband?¬†Meh. Obviously I wouldn’t put it past him to fuck someone else. Do I think he will do it anytime soon? No. Do I think he is seeing the¬†scuz buckets – nope, I hope not. I am not psycho anymore. I don’t track his every move, phone calls, text messages, internet use, anything like that anymore. I haven’t for several months now. I can’t live like that. More then anything…I have learned to trust MYSELF! If things start to get too questionable in regards to my husband and me…I am going to go with my instincts instead of his words.

I am just taking things day by day. Things are good in our relationship, for the most part. I just dont really see a future in it. Yes, that makes things hard when my husband or I¬†will say something in regards to future planning. I play-pretend, but in the back of my head, I am not thinking that far ahead. Would be nice to regain that “tunnel vision” but at this point, its just not there.

At this moment in time…I am doing some serious soul searching. Working more on me instead¬†of only on¬†us.¬†¬†I have lived for my husband and for my kids for the past 10 years.¬†¬†I didn’t really have a whole lot of time for just lil ol’ me. I wasnt that selfish, unless it was something that would benefit all of us in the end. My kids and husband always came before my needs. And my kids will always continue to do so.¬† I have always made time to make myself look good or what not, but I am talking about deeper things than just appearance. My likes and dislikes, how to change my own self (where things need changing), where I want to be in “X’ amount of years, how am I going to get there…just growing in general and what makes me happy. I am learning “what can I do for me” instead of always “what can I do for you”.¬†I have always been a person who sets goals and will achieve them come hell or high waters. So here I am. Setting new goals and trenching the water to make them happen to become exactly who I want to be. Not because I am doing it for anyone else. Simply..just for me.

I look at everyone and everything with a different perspective. Things aren’t always as they appear. It took me almost the full year to¬†re-identify¬†the things and people I am thankful for and blessed to have in my life. I can see it all again and more importantly I¬†can feel it as well. I fell off for an entire year, but I am back. I am forever changed but I can finally say I have accepted the change and now I am owning it and making it my bitch! ūüėõ

So you ask…”One year since discovery of your¬†husbands affair, how are you doing??”¬†…

I can thankfully say..

I am whole hell of a lot better!!!!!!!

women-celebrating3

If There is No Struggle, There is No Progress

– Post His¬†Affair –

…I notice every. single. thing… the good, the bad, and the ugly. Like a deer in headlights..

The way he goes out of his way to text me “good morning beautiful” or when he¬†stops me from instantly getting swarmed with this or that as soon as I walk in the door from work just to kiss me as though he has sincerely missed me. I love that. He fills my Cadillac when the gas is low, or picks me up some new hanging flower baskets for the yard. I like to drink corona and lime on the weekend so he makes sure to get me that instead of only getting budlight for himself and figuring – she will just have to drink what ever I drink. He cooks a couple times a week, he will even then clean up after dinner too.¬†Going out of his way after a long work day to spend quality time with both our kids, whether it be to just share stories or to play games. (..and so on… I could continue on the list, but I am sure you get it)

What I am trying to say is..

Its not just all on me anymore. We are a team again. United as one

The cracks in the foundation of our marriage, that were created by his cheating, are being re -cemented by all the little things that we do, in essence making the big picture be that much better!

Can’t say picture perfect, but maybe.. a beautiful disaster.. a collage ūüėõ

Of course we have our “off” days… the difference now, as apposed to before finding out he was being a piece of shit… we are communicating better! We care.¬†When one of us is being unusually quiet…we want to know why and ask, instead of just brushing it off and figuring what ever it is, they will get over it.¬†Neither one of us can stand when we shut each other out. A response of ¬†“don’t worry about it” or “I’m fine”..when we both know something is wrong… its a¬†trigger anymore. He knows that and so do I. So we both are constantly working on opening up and expressing exactly how we are feeling at that moment. Whether we like the answer or not, an honest¬†response is better then nothing or a lie.

..A working progress we are.

We have been trying so hard. Every. day. Theres ups and downs…but hey…2 steps forward, one step back. As long as there is progress… I am here…

I notice the changes...and I am embracing them!

I notice the changes.. and I am welcoming them with open arms!! I am beyond thankful for them actually.

Good luck to each and every one of you trying to stay with your spouse after betrayal!

But if you are truly trying to stay together..Open your mind (it takes two to make things better)…and please, more importantly open your heart.

Possibilities are endless..

Love is Blind

If you love someone, you cannot see faults in that person … pshh! Bullshit! Cough cough!

It’s not that I couldn’t or can’t see faults in my husband, its that I love him enough to look past them and accept him either way.

THROUGH BETTER OR WORSE

I try and reassure myself (some days are better then others)¬†that we¬†will figure things out because we love each other and true love is powerful so no matter what it¬†is that we need to accomplish, it¬†will be a battle won, as long as we are¬†working together. No matter what it be, I love him and he loves me … that¬†is enough to conquer the world!

My husband and I – seriously – we were ride or die. Like Bonnie and Clyde. LOL Cliche’

Unfortunately, I had his identity wrong. ¬†I was his Bonnie and he was my Jekyll and Hyde. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.. but now that he has been identified.. and … I went to the Optometrist and took those -rose-colored glasses off and exchanged them for some stunna shades… we are a whole different duo. A force to be reckoned with! Team work makes the dream work baby! hehe

Dang tho, when did love become so much work??¬† Oh , thats right, when my husband decided to be a POS and fuck some trailer park Barbie. Don’t worry though, I’m not pointing the finger and blame shifting. True reconciliation means I am no longer playing the pity party¬†and accepting my part as to why my husband stuck his dick in some blown out fish hole. LOL (yup couldn’t help myself) bahaha

But…point being..

I AM¬†blinded by love. I don’t have to see my husband to know that he loves me, I feel it.¬†And what I feel in my heart does not need eyes to see. It is undeniably – heartfelt.¬†It may not be based on trust or honesty¬†at this moment (but those will be rebuilt),¬†so for now I¬†accept it with hope and faith (and genuine remorse).

I continue to love him with all my heart and allow him to love me with all his. And that alone, makes this little heart happy!

“Love not with your eyes but with your mind, Obvious really because true love is blind!”