Overthinking

Went on a mini vaycay with the husband. I call it a mini vaycay cuz we stayed in the same state. We went to this 5-star cabin. It was so private and secluded. Just him and I. It was pretty much perfect. We fished our lil hearts out. I had promised myself not to bring up his nasty affair. Did real good but I did slip on the first night. It’s just so hard sometimes when he is pointing out faults in others and how they get what they deserve. Huh? And how he is trying so hard to be good for me/us… like wtf!?! You have to “try” to be good…how does that not come natural?? Somehow we got on the topic of if he ever ran into one of the two scuz buckets (I mean we do live in a small town and they do live about a mile up the road from us, so chances are he will run into them). And the truth is, they would love for him to still join their relationship so it would be up to him to determine that result. He says he wouldn’t even say a word if he ever ran into either one of them. Sounds good, but he is a weak minded man, pretty sure he would jump in their ride and get sucked off by both as all 5 of the trailer park kids watched. Alright alright, pry not but as you can see, I have not a whole lot of faith in his words compared to his actions. Although the affair subject came up, we did get past it and really never mentioned it again on our get-a-way, so all in all we had a real nice time. With that being said, I may not have voiced some of the “triggers” but I definitely had some wondering thoughts…

A thought that was there and gone was… with such a beautiful, secluded scenery… am I having a good time because I am with the one I love? OR could I have a good time with just about anyone because how could I not love such an amazing place??

…Whatev tho … doesn’t really make a difference…

The following weekend home from vaycay, my husbands friend is getting married and he had a bachelor party to go to. Normally, I could have cared less if there was gonna be strippers or if he was gonna be out till wee-morning hours drinking. But obviously my man can not conduct himself like a married man should, so I was feeling “some type of way” about him going. The night before the party, I made some comments that weren’t the nicest, but I cant really apologize for saying how I feel. That’s like saying sorry for keeping it real. The next morning he gave me a kiss and off he went to the bachelor party. He called me as soon as he got off the river and even invited me to the party. I was actually proud of him. I did show up and we stayed for a drink or two then finished the night at our own house and I can honestly say, we had a good night. Glad the bachelor party is over though.

I hate to feel like I need to keep him next to me all the time in order to feel comfortable with his actions. I truly don’t feel as though he is fucking around right now, but when? When is he going to make that decision to break his vows again?? I mean they are already broken at this point. Marriage didn’t keep him faithful, family didn’t keep him faithful, history didn’t play a part, and obviously, I didn’t keep him faithful either…so what will??? He is trying for now, but when will the weak man give up again?????

I don’t want to set him up for failure, but come on now, he failed…

I know I need to just concentrate on the present and not look back on the past but its so hard to invest in someone who now has a history of wrong doing. Of doing ME wrong!

I don’t look at him the same.

I don’t look at me the same.

I don’t look at us the same.

…We are completely different…

..The difference can be a good thing, but it came because of all the wrong reasons…

Catch 22 ay??!!

I don’t have the answers to these questions I think in my mind. Nor do I think I ever really will. Not even really sure if I want to know the answers. Useless thinking… I think. But still.. looking at my husband and our relationship with “doubt” …blows!! I liked it so much more when it/I felt more secure and I didn’t question or overthink everything…..

I’m ALIVE

Holy Guacamole!!

Its been a year!

A whole freakin year since the wrath of his affair wrecked havoc on my life.

I cant call it D-day because even though its the day I first found undeniable proof that my husband was sexually engaging with a scabby whore, the whole truth was trickled through out several months, not just one specific day. I mean obvi I found out he was fucking her ..and him.. (oh my fucking god) but details, times, sexting, and the extent of all of the disgusting betrayal came in bits and pieces. I’m sure if I still wanted to “dig” I would even find out more to this day.

This year sucked ass!! To put it mildly.. literally been to hell and back. (or am I even back yet) HA

But as of right now…today..

I don’t obsess over the affair anymore. Of course I have weak moments, every effing day where something triggers me, but it is a thought that is quickly there and gone. I refuse to let it fester in my mind anymore. I cant change it so why think about it. I don’t mention it to my husband anymore. He knows! He knows when he or I say something, that if it “triggers” any of his disgustingness, he rewords it and we just try and change it, change the convo to a more positive outlook. I don’t even have to say anything anymore. Nor do I want to. I am over throwing things in his face (or at him – literally) LOL. I can only beat him up for so long before it back fires. That time has come. Besides, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore, much less ever think about it again.

Shockingly, I am still married. I still love him – for many different reasons. However, am I in love with him?… I like to think that I still am. Actually,  would say that I am still, but I am trying to take the time to define and discover what that even really means, what it means to me anyways. I got with my husband when I was so young, I am unsure if I even know what being in love really is. At times, he knows just what to say to take a girls breath away. But, I dont get those butterflies in my tummy anymore. I dont feel as special. And unfortunately, he is not as special to me. I still question myself if staying with him through such betrayal is the right decision … I wonder if I am staying with him because I know nothing else. I think I am scared to be on my own. I moved out from my moms house straight in with my husband so I have never been alone. And yet, although I am scared, I also find it intriguing. So I ask myself, “exactly how much are you going to accept because you are afraid of the unknown?” I have yet to discover that answer so I try not to dwell on it but silently I am searching for the right answer to satisfy me…

Do I trust my husband? Meh. Obviously I wouldn’t put it past him to fuck someone else. Do I think he will do it anytime soon? No. Do I think he is seeing the scuz buckets – nope, I hope not. I am not psycho anymore. I don’t track his every move, phone calls, text messages, internet use, anything like that anymore. I haven’t for several months now. I can’t live like that. More then anything…I have learned to trust MYSELF! If things start to get too questionable in regards to my husband and me…I am going to go with my instincts instead of his words.

I am just taking things day by day. Things are good in our relationship, for the most part. I just dont really see a future in it. Yes, that makes things hard when my husband or I will say something in regards to future planning. I play-pretend, but in the back of my head, I am not thinking that far ahead. Would be nice to regain that “tunnel vision” but at this point, its just not there.

At this moment in time…I am doing some serious soul searching. Working more on me instead of only on us.  I have lived for my husband and for my kids for the past 10 years.  I didn’t really have a whole lot of time for just lil ol’ me. I wasnt that selfish, unless it was something that would benefit all of us in the end. My kids and husband always came before my needs. And my kids will always continue to do so.  I have always made time to make myself look good or what not, but I am talking about deeper things than just appearance. My likes and dislikes, how to change my own self (where things need changing), where I want to be in “X’ amount of years, how am I going to get there…just growing in general and what makes me happy. I am learning “what can I do for me” instead of always “what can I do for you”. I have always been a person who sets goals and will achieve them come hell or high waters. So here I am. Setting new goals and trenching the water to make them happen to become exactly who I want to be. Not because I am doing it for anyone else. Simply..just for me.

I look at everyone and everything with a different perspective. Things aren’t always as they appear. It took me almost the full year to re-identify the things and people I am thankful for and blessed to have in my life. I can see it all again and more importantly I can feel it as well. I fell off for an entire year, but I am back. I am forever changed but I can finally say I have accepted the change and now I am owning it and making it my bitch! 😛

So you ask…”One year since discovery of your husbands affair, how are you doing??” …

I can thankfully say..

I am whole hell of a lot better!!!!!!!

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If There is No Struggle, There is No Progress

– Post His Affair –

…I notice every. single. thing… the good, the bad, and the ugly. Like a deer in headlights..

The way he goes out of his way to text me “good morning beautiful” or when he stops me from instantly getting swarmed with this or that as soon as I walk in the door from work just to kiss me as though he has sincerely missed me. I love that. He fills my Cadillac when the gas is low, or picks me up some new hanging flower baskets for the yard. I like to drink corona and lime on the weekend so he makes sure to get me that instead of only getting budlight for himself and figuring – she will just have to drink what ever I drink. He cooks a couple times a week, he will even then clean up after dinner too. Going out of his way after a long work day to spend quality time with both our kids, whether it be to just share stories or to play games. (..and so on… I could continue on the list, but I am sure you get it)

What I am trying to say is..

Its not just all on me anymore. We are a team again. United as one

The cracks in the foundation of our marriage, that were created by his cheating, are being re -cemented by all the little things that we do, in essence making the big picture be that much better!

Can’t say picture perfect, but maybe.. a beautiful disaster.. a collage 😛

Of course we have our “off” days… the difference now, as apposed to before finding out he was being a piece of shit… we are communicating better! We care. When one of us is being unusually quiet…we want to know why and ask, instead of just brushing it off and figuring what ever it is, they will get over it. Neither one of us can stand when we shut each other out. A response of  “don’t worry about it” or “I’m fine”..when we both know something is wrong… its a trigger anymore. He knows that and so do I. So we both are constantly working on opening up and expressing exactly how we are feeling at that moment. Whether we like the answer or not, an honest response is better then nothing or a lie.

..A working progress we are.

We have been trying so hard. Every. day. Theres ups and downs…but hey…2 steps forward, one step back. As long as there is progress… I am here…

I notice the changes...and I am embracing them!

I notice the changes.. and I am welcoming them with open arms!! I am beyond thankful for them actually.

Good luck to each and every one of you trying to stay with your spouse after betrayal!

But if you are truly trying to stay together..Open your mind (it takes two to make things better)…and please, more importantly open your heart.

Possibilities are endless..

Love is Blind

If you love someone, you cannot see faults in that person … pshh! Bullshit! Cough cough!

It’s not that I couldn’t or can’t see faults in my husband, its that I love him enough to look past them and accept him either way.

THROUGH BETTER OR WORSE

I try and reassure myself (some days are better then others) that we will figure things out because we love each other and true love is powerful so no matter what it is that we need to accomplish, it will be a battle won, as long as we are working together. No matter what it be, I love him and he loves me … that is enough to conquer the world!

My husband and I – seriously – we were ride or die. Like Bonnie and Clyde. LOL Cliche’

Unfortunately, I had his identity wrong.  I was his Bonnie and he was my Jekyll and Hyde. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.. but now that he has been identified.. and … I went to the Optometrist and took those -rose-colored glasses off and exchanged them for some stunna shades… we are a whole different duo. A force to be reckoned with! Team work makes the dream work baby! hehe

Dang tho, when did love become so much work??  Oh , thats right, when my husband decided to be a POS and fuck some trailer park Barbie. Don’t worry though, I’m not pointing the finger and blame shifting. True reconciliation means I am no longer playing the pity party and accepting my part as to why my husband stuck his dick in some blown out fish hole. LOL (yup couldn’t help myself) bahaha

But…point being..

I AM blinded by love. I don’t have to see my husband to know that he loves me, I feel it. And what I feel in my heart does not need eyes to see. It is undeniably – heartfelt. It may not be based on trust or honesty at this moment (but those will be rebuilt), so for now I accept it with hope and faith (and genuine remorse).

I continue to love him with all my heart and allow him to love me with all his. And that alone, makes this little heart happy!

“Love not with your eyes but with your mind, Obvious really because true love is blind!”

I-Spy

After discovery of such betrayal, I seriously went all “Harriet the Spy”. I went through years of cell phones bills, re-read years of text messaging, got on my husbands computer and went through everything possible on his hard-drive, email accounts, and social media. I discovered what key-loggers are, how to install apps on cell phones to track phone calls, text messages, GPS, pictures, anything and everything. I slept with one eye open. I had eyes on the back of my head LOL. I was on a mission, a mission to put the puzzle pieces together to conclude how I was such a fool and to make sure that I would NEVER be played the fool again.

It has now been 10 months since I first found out about my husbands affair. I am absolutely positive he has never communicated with the skank again. He doesn’t game or communicate with her fat-fuck of a boyfriend either. He isn’t continuously searching porn or anything I disapprove of. And when he says he is going somewhere, he is doing just that. It feels good to know that my husband is still capable of honesty, but, I have been comforted by the reassurance of being able to check up on his every move, if I felt the need to.

Obviously, trust is a huge issue after someone fucks around on you, but if you are never willing to try and trust that person again, to give them trust, how are they ever going to prove that they are or can be trust worthy ever again?

With that said, how long is too long to have the betrayer be an open book and for the betrayed to be checking their every move???

For me, I have decided it is that time. It has basically been a year and as scary as it is, I feel it is time to try and somewhat allow my husband to prove he is or still can be trust worthy (without my back-up resources). I know that whenever, or if ever I start to feel that doubt, I will listen to my intuition, instead of ever questioning myself again. And if that time ever comes, where I am questioning my husband, I now know of resources to verify my suspicions and I will handle things accordingly.

I guess knowledge is power.

I never wanted to know so much about the secrets of affairs. Nor did I ever want to learn how to catch a cheater…

But I know now!

and

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Ding! Ding!

I have thought long and hard about the answers to my previous post:

Do I not hurt anymore because I am numb?

I feel as though I have worked through most of the emotions, not just tucked them away, hoping they would never surface again. My husband and I have overly discussed how he even put us in this horror story and how to avoid ever getting put back in the scene again. I have cried, begged, screamed, fought, and gone through every emotion possible after finding out what he had done. So, to say I am numb…maybe in a sense. But I think it is more of acceptance of knowing I can’t change what has been done so I no longer want to feel anything that has to do with it anymore.

Does it not hurt anymore because I just don’t give a shit?

I think I answered that with my next line – I don’t feel as though I have given up … therefore, I obviously still give a shit. I have just let the whole betrayal consume my every thought for so many months that I wish I no longer did give a shit. Why can’t I be one of those females who doesn’t feel as though meaningless sex is the ultimate betrayal? BUT commitment and monogamy is  very important when it comes to key elements of what I want out of my marriage. If I wanted an open relationship, my husband fucking a ratchet whore obviously wouldn’t have hurt so bad. The false promises that he made saying he would forsake all others and all the other lies have now made me very hesitant to be so vulnerable and willing to care and respect someone who was such a disappointment. So for now, it makes me hurt less to brush my shoulder off and say I just don’t give a shit, when we all know, I really do. I just don’t want to be hurt again.

Does it not hurt anymore because my relationship, my husband, “love” just doesn’t really matter to me anymore?

(See above) I have not given up. Obviously, I am still with my husband. Working on making our marriage better every. single. day.  Therefore, my relationship, my husband, and “love” period, still matters to me immensely!! Everything has just changed. WE have came along way since D-day and just because my husband is not the man I thought he was, just because our relationship wasn’t as special to him as he always portrayed, and just because “love” bit me in the ass, doesn’t mean none of it can’t be good. It can, and it will be. I hope we can even say it is better then it was. It is just different.

Does it not hurt anymore because I am healing?

I would like to think – yes! Yet, I know it still can hurt if I want to dig up old dirt. So, I am not taking this healing process for granted. I have my good and bad days but man does it feel good to even say I AM healing. For a while, I wasn’t sure it was going to be possible to find my way through this infidelity torture and stay with my husband. I just didn’t know what the hell to do with my marriage, let alone, what to even do with myself. All the pain was beginning to be just too much for lil ‘o me. However… it didn’t break me and now, I believe I am stronger then I was!!

So, to sum it all up “it hurt because it mattered” and just because “shit doesn’t hurt no more”, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter 🙂

Turn The Page

I can finally say… I feel as though I am moving on..

It only took nine months. LOL – I laugh out loud – not because its funny what-so-ever but because it has only taken nine months. Nine months seemed like eternity and it was so very painful. I know I  am not completely through the fucked up mess of emotions but at least I am  starting to see “clearing”. Its like when you have a project of some-sort that you know is going to take a whole grip of time to complete, so you procrastinate even starting. Then, once you start doing it, it takes a while but you start to see progress. It feels good.. and I am feeling better.

Don’t get me wrong, if I have too much time on my hands, where I am alone, and I start to think about the disgusting, tasteless details of his affair, its like my mind won’t let it be just a passing thought. I will sit and obsess over it until it  hurts so bad that I am in tears and oh-so angry as if it just happened. So, I really try not to go there in my mind. Of course, I still have my moments when something is said and the light flashes in my brain or the bell dings, but I may think of that horrible trigger for a hot second then I try to do something that quickly changes my train of thought.

I’m not perfect and I know that I will take two steps forwards and three steps back – occasionally. But as long as I am seeing and feeling progress in regards to myself, my heart.. then I will embrace the baby steps.

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..can’t say never but at least its not often

My husband damaged an innocent soul for some foul play. I know he will never fully understand the amount of pain he inflicted on me. He could never understand that type of pain unless it happened to him, and I am just not that type of person. However, he is being so wonderful now that I know I need to recognize and encourage his behavior because it is important that it doesn’t go unnoticed and / or unannounced. He is being a good husband NOW.

Everything about being betrayed by your lifetime lover and the intense pain it causes is the worst feeling ever!

Letting it go and trying to reconcile with the betrayer is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I pray that I never have to feel such heartache again.

But for now.. I am trying my hardest to stay focused on what I have, not what has happened and what I have lost.

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Keep calm and carry on!