Inhale. Exhale

I am so tired of trying to make our marriage work. Trying to make our marriage better. Trying to change some of my ways. Trying to understand or figure out my husband, his needs, and our “new” marriage. And more or less, trying to forgive his selfish, tasteless affair.

I just don’t want to care anymore. And really, I think I may just not!

We have both came so far since finding out my husband had been cheating on me. However…this marriage is just sooo much work. Too much work if you ask me. I mean, before knowing that he had betrayed me, I would have put as much work as I needed to in order to make our marriage happy. But, I was not even given that chance before he stepped out (in reality, I didn’t even know he was unhappy – truth is – cuz he wasn’t). And now, the everyday problems that we do have on top of knowing that he is “one of those” (a cheater) … working on being a better him, a better me, and an even better us…is exhausting!!

Its kinda messed up but I am pretty much sure my husband is feeling the same way. Of course, he doesn’t just come out and say it but I sense it in his actions. Which we all know, when it comes to a cheater, their actions speak louder than their words because they are cowards and don’t really say how they feel.

My goal was to make it at least two years since D-day, then I would either re-commit to my marriage or exit myself to the left. Right now, I am just hoping to make it through the holidays.

I havent given up quite yet and I hope I never do…

…but the holidays are so overwhelming and so is marriage after betrayal …

..just breathe!…

You got this T!

 

 

 

Go Funk Yourself

Lately, I have been in a funk..

The smelly aftermath of infidelity funk.

16 months later and I am still feeling funky.  I shake it off for the most part, but it is only temporarily. Every few days or so and there it is again – this funkiness…

The “eff you” and “eff this” funk, I’ve learned to handle this. When something “triggers” my memory and I think funk you, funk you, your cool …Im out funk. LOL This funk comes and goes daily. But at least the funk is here and gone in a quickness cuz I cant stay in the “funk the world” mood for long cuz being a bitter bitch sucks!

However, the should I stay or should I go funk. The constant limbo.This one has really been getting to me.  I can honestly say I just don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be with my man for the rest of my life, but now that he has betrayed me, I am not sure how I feel about being with him for foreverrrrr.  Sounds way too long, if heartbreak is involved anyways….My husband and I are both 31 years old and for infidelity to have already taken place so early on, I cant help but question if my husband has it in him to stay monogamous in the future. Now I’m not saying he is going to go cheat on me right away but to say he will remain faithful to me for another 10, 20, 30 + years … sounds too good to be true or at least questionable and I just don’t think I can be that vulnerable again, with him especially, beings as he hurt me more than anyone could have. I just don’t know…

WHAT THE FUNK!!?

I have given myself a deadline. Yes, 2 years from D-day (cuz that’s what therapists say is a good amount of time). If I have not 100%committed myself to fully staying in the marriage, if I can not find some-sort of forgiveness within me…I will exit myself to the left and no longer fake the funk!

Sorry Not Sorry

I know that my husband is extremely sorry for all of this.

Sorry he lied.

Sorry he broke his vows.

Sorry he betrayed us.

Sorry he hurt his family.

and yes, sorry he got caught.

I truly believe him when he says it. I see it. I feel it – the remorse in his actions. He is so different now. There is a sincerity in his eyes when he looks at me that is meaningful.

…Makes me sad though…

I just don’t have that same empathy towards him.

All one really has is their “word”. And now when he speaks, there isn’t enough value for me. I hear the words that are coming out of his mouth, yet they don’t hold the same meaning to me anymore. They are just words…

I feel bad!

I don’t know how to be vulnerable again.

I mean, my husband has done pretty much everything that could be expected when it comes to repairing our marriage due to his infidelity, yet, its just not good enough. Is it ever going to be? OR is he just not good enough for me anymore??…

I don’t punish him anymore. Or so I don’t think I really do anyways. I don’t discuss it or ask details anymore. (Not even when I am drinking. Since my last post a month or so ago I have tamed thy alcohol induced mouth). Our home life is actually calm again. We are communicating very well, openly and honestly. Our sex life is two thumbs up.

What the hell more can I ask for??

Is it me? Do I not know how to “let it go”? Why can I not accept that he IS sorry and believe that this won’t happen again?

Why can I not forgive him??

At times I feel sorry for him because he is truly sorry and he is trying his hardest to fix all the damage he has done..

but then I think of it all, all what HE has done and how we wouldn’t be in the position if it wasn’t for him in the first place…

and…. then…

there I am

Sorry, not sorry!!

Flash Back

Hi-ho Hi-ho, back to high school I go…

HA. … or so it felt like anyways…

I went to my sons football game on Saturday and saw quite a few people that I attended high school with.

…10 years later….

Some were actually still together with the same person as they were dating when we were in school, which was actually pretty surprising. Most had gained quite a bit of weight (it happens). A couple females had too many babies without being financially or relationship stable. Even though I may not have liked some of them, I actually kinda felt sorry for them. Or I guess, more then that, I had to keep telling myself…who the hell are you to judge!?! . …

what can I say?!..

I was “queen bee” in high school. Still have maintained my appearance. Financially stable and married to the same man I dated in High School. Can’t say the relationship is stable (well, it kinda is now) but its kind of a joke as well. But point being is I haven’t changed much. (Not by the outward-appearance anyways)

With all this said… It made me feel some type a way – seeing lots of people from high school, from my past. Being looked at like I am somebody special.

Where the hell have I been???

I have forgotten who I was! Who I am!!!

So after the football game, out came the high school yearbooks.

Memories!!

And then I began over-thinking. (oh lawdy) LOL

I started questioning myself and where I am at in life. Who I am married to.

WTF am I doing!!??

Me, accepting a lying, conniving, cheating ass husband. !! ??

REALLY!?

Who the eff is this female?  And what have you done with the almighty one 😛

“Will the real slim shady- please stand up” LOL

So…

Wonder what others thought of me after not seeing me for 10 years??..

…watch out now..

looks sure are deceiving!

STFU!

…I am beginning to see a pattern…

I am good about not talking about his affair, not saying that I don’t occasionally bring it up here or there with some little jab but all in all, I pretty much don’t speak about it. However, after the work week, I like to indulge in some cocktails on the weekends. I am noticing that when I get a few cocktails in my system, lately, I have not been able to tame thy mouth. Actually, far from it. I have been spitting venom.  It’s like – I just want to get into the little mind of his cheating brain and figure out with the fuck he was thinking. And yet, when I am sober, I soooo don’t! Actually, I want just the opposite because I know I could never think or care so little to do what a cheater did/does. It’s all just too selfish and distasteful for me.

So, I think I am kinda stuck on my healing process.

Ya, I could never have a cocktail again… But that is dumb. I don’t have a problem with alcohol, so please spare me the lecture. I do however, enjoy a cocktail on the weekends. I just don’t know why I cant keep my mouth shut lately, while I am having a cocktail.

I know I am far from forgiving my husband. But I know I want to someday. And I know by me trying to figure out what went on in his puny lil brain of his while he was being such a pos to me isn’t doing me any good. It isn’t doing us any good. I keep reopening the wound. I don’t like it at all!

And truth is, we have gone over it over and over again, so why cant I just completely let it go!? There is nothing new to be told. He fucked some trailer park trash several times and then continued to entertain the idea for quite sometime after. IS WHAT IT IS! I cant change it. I get it..

So STOP T! Stop replaying it over and over again. Stop thinking – shoulda, coulda, woulda. And stop – stop asking WHY!! It really makes no difference anymore. We are working through it, quit stepping back into the FUNK!

I guess – just one more thing to work on……

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Overthinking

Went on a mini vaycay with the husband. I call it a mini vaycay cuz we stayed in the same state. We went to this 5-star cabin. It was so private and secluded. Just him and I. It was pretty much perfect. We fished our lil hearts out. I had promised myself not to bring up his nasty affair. Did real good but I did slip on the first night. It’s just so hard sometimes when he is pointing out faults in others and how they get what they deserve. Huh? And how he is trying so hard to be good for me/us… like wtf!?! You have to “try” to be good…how does that not come natural?? Somehow we got on the topic of if he ever ran into one of the two scuz buckets (I mean we do live in a small town and they do live about a mile up the road from us, so chances are he will run into them). And the truth is, they would love for him to still join their relationship so it would be up to him to determine that result. He says he wouldn’t even say a word if he ever ran into either one of them. Sounds good, but he is a weak minded man, pretty sure he would jump in their ride and get sucked off by both as all 5 of the trailer park kids watched. Alright alright, pry not but as you can see, I have not a whole lot of faith in his words compared to his actions. Although the affair subject came up, we did get past it and really never mentioned it again on our get-a-way, so all in all we had a real nice time. With that being said, I may not have voiced some of the “triggers” but I definitely had some wondering thoughts…

A thought that was there and gone was… with such a beautiful, secluded scenery… am I having a good time because I am with the one I love? OR could I have a good time with just about anyone because how could I not love such an amazing place??

…Whatev tho … doesn’t really make a difference…

The following weekend home from vaycay, my husbands friend is getting married and he had a bachelor party to go to. Normally, I could have cared less if there was gonna be strippers or if he was gonna be out till wee-morning hours drinking. But obviously my man can not conduct himself like a married man should, so I was feeling “some type of way” about him going. The night before the party, I made some comments that weren’t the nicest, but I cant really apologize for saying how I feel. That’s like saying sorry for keeping it real. The next morning he gave me a kiss and off he went to the bachelor party. He called me as soon as he got off the river and even invited me to the party. I was actually proud of him. I did show up and we stayed for a drink or two then finished the night at our own house and I can honestly say, we had a good night. Glad the bachelor party is over though.

I hate to feel like I need to keep him next to me all the time in order to feel comfortable with his actions. I truly don’t feel as though he is fucking around right now, but when? When is he going to make that decision to break his vows again?? I mean they are already broken at this point. Marriage didn’t keep him faithful, family didn’t keep him faithful, history didn’t play a part, and obviously, I didn’t keep him faithful either…so what will??? He is trying for now, but when will the weak man give up again?????

I don’t want to set him up for failure, but come on now, he failed…

I know I need to just concentrate on the present and not look back on the past but its so hard to invest in someone who now has a history of wrong doing. Of doing ME wrong!

I don’t look at him the same.

I don’t look at me the same.

I don’t look at us the same.

…We are completely different…

..The difference can be a good thing, but it came because of all the wrong reasons…

Catch 22 ay??!!

I don’t have the answers to these questions I think in my mind. Nor do I think I ever really will. Not even really sure if I want to know the answers. Useless thinking… I think. But still.. looking at my husband and our relationship with “doubt” …blows!! I liked it so much more when it/I felt more secure and I didn’t question or overthink everything…..

I’m ALIVE

Holy Guacamole!!

Its been a year!

A whole freakin year since the wrath of his affair wrecked havoc on my life.

I cant call it D-day because even though its the day I first found undeniable proof that my husband was sexually engaging with a scabby whore, the whole truth was trickled through out several months, not just one specific day. I mean obvi I found out he was fucking her ..and him.. (oh my fucking god) but details, times, sexting, and the extent of all of the disgusting betrayal came in bits and pieces. I’m sure if I still wanted to “dig” I would even find out more to this day.

This year sucked ass!! To put it mildly.. literally been to hell and back. (or am I even back yet) HA

But as of right now…today..

I don’t obsess over the affair anymore. Of course I have weak moments, every effing day where something triggers me, but it is a thought that is quickly there and gone. I refuse to let it fester in my mind anymore. I cant change it so why think about it. I don’t mention it to my husband anymore. He knows! He knows when he or I say something, that if it “triggers” any of his disgustingness, he rewords it and we just try and change it, change the convo to a more positive outlook. I don’t even have to say anything anymore. Nor do I want to. I am over throwing things in his face (or at him – literally) LOL. I can only beat him up for so long before it back fires. That time has come. Besides, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore, much less ever think about it again.

Shockingly, I am still married. I still love him – for many different reasons. However, am I in love with him?… I like to think that I still am. Actually,  would say that I am still, but I am trying to take the time to define and discover what that even really means, what it means to me anyways. I got with my husband when I was so young, I am unsure if I even know what being in love really is. At times, he knows just what to say to take a girls breath away. But, I dont get those butterflies in my tummy anymore. I dont feel as special. And unfortunately, he is not as special to me. I still question myself if staying with him through such betrayal is the right decision … I wonder if I am staying with him because I know nothing else. I think I am scared to be on my own. I moved out from my moms house straight in with my husband so I have never been alone. And yet, although I am scared, I also find it intriguing. So I ask myself, “exactly how much are you going to accept because you are afraid of the unknown?” I have yet to discover that answer so I try not to dwell on it but silently I am searching for the right answer to satisfy me…

Do I trust my husband? Meh. Obviously I wouldn’t put it past him to fuck someone else. Do I think he will do it anytime soon? No. Do I think he is seeing the scuz buckets – nope, I hope not. I am not psycho anymore. I don’t track his every move, phone calls, text messages, internet use, anything like that anymore. I haven’t for several months now. I can’t live like that. More then anything…I have learned to trust MYSELF! If things start to get too questionable in regards to my husband and me…I am going to go with my instincts instead of his words.

I am just taking things day by day. Things are good in our relationship, for the most part. I just dont really see a future in it. Yes, that makes things hard when my husband or I will say something in regards to future planning. I play-pretend, but in the back of my head, I am not thinking that far ahead. Would be nice to regain that “tunnel vision” but at this point, its just not there.

At this moment in time…I am doing some serious soul searching. Working more on me instead of only on us.  I have lived for my husband and for my kids for the past 10 years.  I didn’t really have a whole lot of time for just lil ol’ me. I wasnt that selfish, unless it was something that would benefit all of us in the end. My kids and husband always came before my needs. And my kids will always continue to do so.  I have always made time to make myself look good or what not, but I am talking about deeper things than just appearance. My likes and dislikes, how to change my own self (where things need changing), where I want to be in “X’ amount of years, how am I going to get there…just growing in general and what makes me happy. I am learning “what can I do for me” instead of always “what can I do for you”. I have always been a person who sets goals and will achieve them come hell or high waters. So here I am. Setting new goals and trenching the water to make them happen to become exactly who I want to be. Not because I am doing it for anyone else. Simply..just for me.

I look at everyone and everything with a different perspective. Things aren’t always as they appear. It took me almost the full year to re-identify the things and people I am thankful for and blessed to have in my life. I can see it all again and more importantly I can feel it as well. I fell off for an entire year, but I am back. I am forever changed but I can finally say I have accepted the change and now I am owning it and making it my bitch! 😛

So you ask…”One year since discovery of your husbands affair, how are you doing??” …

I can thankfully say..

I am whole hell of a lot better!!!!!!!

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