4 Years After Betrayal

Crazy to think that I started this blog 4 years ago. Seems like a really long time ago since my husband did what he did. Altho, some days it feels like yesterday – ahh – nahhh- not really… It feels like it has been years. The first two years were just utterly painful. Then it pretty much got easier and easier for the most part. Thankfully! …Cant say time heels all wounds but with time, we have done so much work on our relationship and our communication that the wounds are just scars at this point. As with a scar, if you keep picking at it, it wont heal. It will continue to re-open and it will bleed again. So there it is, I dont pick at it – ever! I have finally gotten to the point where we don’t talk about the affair anymore. I don’t even throw one-liner jabs at him anymore. The triggers are barely even there or when they do pop in my head, they are there and gone before I even sit and deeply think on them anymore. I don’t want to be reminded of any of it so why speak upon it or think about it. In order to get it out of my life, I had to let it go! I do still read some blogs on affairs and infidelity. I think this is just my comfort zone where I know people have gone through the same shit as me, if not worse, and I have made a few blogging-buds but I dont visit the blogs to re-open my past what so ever.

4 years later and I come in peace!

I will never understand why he betrayed me. I will never like his answers. I don’t think I will ever fully forgive him but it has been 4 years and he has shown me that he IS the man I married for many good reasons, more reasons then bad (yes, the bad ones almost literally killed me) but he really isnt that terrible man that he was being for several years.  I do believe he chose to make mistakes over and over yet I do believe that he is terribly sorry for them. There is no need to beat him up or he beat himself up for it anymore. I trust him again. Its not blind trust, like where I would have bet the Dow-Jones that he would never do that to me, but I dont check his phone or even worry about it anymore. When he was messing up back then, there were signs that I just didnt want to believe. If I ever  had any questioning at this point, I will go with my gut, not his words. With that said, he never gives me a reason to even question what he is up to so we are all good.

4 years since my husbands trashy-ass infidelity and we are finally…

…Happily Ever After ❤

 

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Boy Bye!

Something out of the norm happened yesterday afternoon, which brings me here today…

Its been over 3 years since the discovery of my husband having an affair.

Yes, we are still together. I have stood by his side through thick and thin. We are way passed the trauma of it all, yet, dont get me wrong, I have some ill-feelings towards it all that I dont think will ever go away, its something I continue to work on. I just dont let it eat me alive anymore. As for my husband, I really think he doesnt go there in his mind at all, like, lets not ever bring it up.

Anyhow, we truly are in a happy place. I am even expecting another child with this man. Yup, we are having our third baby – coming February 2018.

So, to get to the point. Yesterday, on my way home from work, I ran into Crusty (the chump who joined in with his scuzzy slut and they would all have threesomes with my husband). In all fairness, the couple times they did it all together he thought that was all that was going on, was him, her and my husband doing their disgustingness. So when I pointed out that she was also continuing an affair with my husband behind his back as well, it was new news to him in a sense. Anyways, I have not ran into Crusty since I found all this trash out in 2014. So yesterday,  he saw me at the gas station. He smiled and said whats up. HUH??? Like wtf? Like we cool….um….did I miss something??!!!! I have imagined if I ran into him all the ratchet shit I would spit at him. It didnt go down like that tho. I just looked at him with a cricked, disgusted half smile and raised my eye brows.. He put his head down as if kinda ashamed of my response. …Keep it moving!

After, I hollered at a couple of my friends who know of the affair and let it be known I had just ran into him and that he had the audacity to act as tho we was cool. I got two completely different responses. One was like ” wtf! Why would he think he could even try and approach you as if you were all good” and the other said “well, you have stood by your husbands side. Its time you get over it and maybe be friendly back”.

….I get that I dont need to cause a scene and go all ratchet on his ass anymore but be friendly…oh hell naw! And altho his whore was betraying him as well, he also played a huge part in it by joining them. The pain they all caused to my world will never be forgotten. Yes, I have stuck by my husbands side. He was worth it to me to try and fix his wrong doings.  Crusty and Scuz will never get a second chance with my friendship. They are irrelevant, non-mother fucking factors to my life and just because it has been years since all that shit doesnt mean my feelings towards them have changed what so ever!!

“If I see you and I dont speak, that means I dont fuck with you” 100!!!

The End

 

High five bud! WE are fucking awesome!

We have weathered storms.

Created superstars

Fought crock-a- dillies 😛

Moved Mountains

Been to hell and back…

Our journey has been real! (for the most part) – on my behalf it was 100!

WE have put on quite a show, but now the curtains closing

I know I am no longer treating you right – u deserve better and so do I. I don’t even like how I treat you anymore – even if it is a reaction to an action.

I have way too much love and respect in my heart for you, for us, for our family

I refuse to go out like that. I refuse to go down in flames.

Lets go out with some pride and dignity.

Lets be that couple who doesn’t end in hatred. We end with love.

Please lets do this nicely. Proudly. With our heads held high. We failed at marriage but lets not fail as parents. This is going to be the hardest on them. I just want to slowly part ways without just throwing it in their faces. We have 10+ years with each other. There is a lot to sort out. No need for hostility. Do your part as a father and I will do mine as a mother – no need to even involve courts – that is not my motive.

WE should actually be very proud of ourselves.

Who would have ever thought we would make it as long as we did??…

When we first got together – we were just kids.

You, my dear husband are my favorite mistake and most definitely my hardest goodbye!

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As you all can see… I have decided to walk away from my marriage. His infidelity played a huge roll in my decision, but it wasn’t all of it. Before his disgustingness came out, we had problems. I thought they were just everyday life problems, problems that I could handle and that we would always move forward from. but now, now that I have had to dissect every thing, I no longer see the rest of my life with him. The little problems, on top of infidelity is just too much for me to live with. I mean I could live with it but I don’t think I will ever feel “ful-filled” I will feel like I am just settling. Cheating to me always was a deal breaker. I tried to work through it, excuse it, forgive it, whatever… in the end… it was still my deal breaker…

I don’t know how to say any of this to my husband. I know he is going to make this hell on me.  I don’t want to go into great depths about our shortcomings or anything like that. I don’t want to cry about any of it anymore. I just want to get it over with. But why -Why does it have to be so hard to say goodbye!!???? Is this too much to ask ??

Deuce -s

When dealing with infidelity in a marriage – the 2 year mark is posed to be some magical number when recovery is at its finest…

When I decided to try and forgive and to try and stay in my marriage after my husband went dumpster diving – I honestly had no idea what I was up against! I just knew I had to beat the odds against us. Altho he made us a statistic by cheating, I was going to make us kick that statistic in the ass by being the couple that would survive infidelity.

They say – don’t act irrationally. Give it time, give it time.  – So I did. So I have. I have had so much time to think about the reality of it all, every. little. thing. that was said and done during his years of cheating on me. and how much deceiving took place and how much work it had to be to accomplish the types of sins that he did. I used to cry. Uncontrollably. At the thought of any of this. Thinking about my family being broken because some thirsty slut and my weak husband would bring me to my knees. My heart was sooo broken.

The whole first year after D-day was so painful. I really cant even put in to words how excruciating it was.( if you are a b.s – you already know) However, I lived and my marriage has survived 2 years later…

We are doing so much better now and my husband continues to do everything he should.

I love him. I have lots of love for him. And I am so thankful he got his head out of his ass and stayed with me through all the shit he caused instead of running away  and staying gone because he had fucked up so terribly and  because he did not know how to fix it.

But this is where things get a lil twisted…

I have yet to fully recover.

I am a changed person – yet how can I not be.

People are human and people make mistakes. However, in our situation – the truth didn’t come out because he felt bad and knew what he had done was a mistake. Oh hell no. And even when I did have undeniable truth, the truth still trickled out for an entire year. He made me literally beg for every answer and even beg for him to stay. I think this has put a huge block in my recovery because I feel as tho he was basically forced with telling the truth and stopping what he was engaging in instead of the truth coming out of the goodness of his heart. The depth of all his betrayal still has me fucked up.

I still do not have any forgiveness for my husband. None at all. I do not look at him the same. His words are not as valued. I no longer feel as tho I can commit myself 100% to the man who showed me no loyalty. I don’t feel secure that he will always have me in his best interest. I don’t think I will ever feel that security from him again. However, with all that said  I do  still see a wonderful man, he truly is. I will always love him. Yet, I no longer love him whole heartedly.

Two years later…

I can honestly say tho that I am glad I waited instead of running far away or to the courthouse.

It gave me time to get stronger.

It gave me time to still see and feel that love for my husband who I had thought was a monster for doing me so wrong.

It gave me time to get my confidence back.

It also gave me time to finally believe that his affair really had nothing to do with me. That it truly wasnt my fault at all. It seriously took me the whole two years to say that and to really mean it.

2 years later…

The teetering question of “do I stay” or “do I go” has finally become clear.

It’s All in My Head

I replay it..over. and. over. again….

No, not the disgustingness of my husbands affair (not anymore anyways)..

Actually, I am talking about …divorce. …

My two year deadline of dday is coming up this summer and I would love none other than to say I have committed to my husband and am forgiving him and moving on…with him and us together… however, as of now, I have yet to do either (commit or forgive.)

So…I play out the worst case scenario in my head ..

How I am going to sit him down and have the dreaded “its over” talk..?…

When…?.. (The exact two year date? Our anniversary – beings as it is close to then?…)

Where ..?…(In the comforts of our home?.. maybe a restaurant, but then there is the possibility of causing a scene…)

How to start the convo..?…

What he will say in response to my words..?…

When and if I have this talk, I don’t think a response from him will even be necessary cuz by then…it will be too late…my mind will be made up and there will be no talking me out of it. But still, part of me would love to see him beg for me as I walk away (yet he already has) so with that said, begging will not change my mind. I don’t want to hurt him, yet, I guess I kinda do.  I just want him to feel what he has lost and altho it will be too late for us, hopefully he will have learned a hard lesson ( at the price of my heart) but still, maybe in his future relationships, he will never cause that type of pain again. One could only hope so …

Unfortunately, if I decide to go the divorce route, I think it will come as an all out “surprise” and pure devastation to my husband. Of course, to him, things are good with us. And they are as good as it gets after finding out you are married to a cheating husband, but now, I carry the burden of what my husband has done (did) and I get to live with it, while the truth has set him free. And honestly, his problems, his past, are weighing heavy on me and it sounds refreshing and freeing to just say fuck it and fuck you!

Of course, I do try and think positive. That come the two-year deadline, I will chose to stay and completely move on from his betrayal instead of leaving him. However, when I reenact that scenario, it doesn’t seem as fulfilling. To see the devastation in his eyes when I say I still want a divorce even after he has done everything possible to try and fix his fuck ups seems more on my level.  …kind of twisted… I just  kind of feel  like if I stay with him, I am just settling. I deserved / deserve so much more! I was /am loyal and loving (amongst a ton of other good things) and I expected / expect the same!  .. He knew that as soon as he fucked up one time that I would leave him. He knew the chances he took when he did what he did, yet he still did it. And to say NOW he knows – now he knows what he has and what he will lose –  that’s a fuckin joke too because he already KNEW! He says he kept lying because he didn’t want to lose me,… so he kept doing it?… wtf!! He says because Scuz (the whore) had already had one on him and he felt trapped… so continue doing it..??….um, come again, cuz I dont get it!! Instead, he should have been a real man and confessed the first time I asked so it didn’t continue. I could have accepted and forgave a one time MISTAKE. But to continue on 5 times more and to then even engage in a three-some with her Crusty boyfriend…um… keep it real, that is not feeling terrible, that is not feeling guilty, and that is not feeling trapped!..That isn’t a mistake… that was your god-damn CHOICE!!!

Staying with him means living with his past (which is essentially OUR past). I really cant stand the thought of having flashbacks about this for the rest of our lives together. And no matter how I handle myself, how much he has changed, it – his betrayal, is apart of OUR story together – which makes me wanna throw the fuck up,  throw him the fuck out, and completely re-write my story with a different, hopefully loyal, man!

I can play it out in my head as if it is going to go one way but it will prolly go completely opposite. A victim of my own mind. ..

.. just because its all in my head tho, doesn’t make it any less real…

 

 

 

 

 

Bye Felicia!!

First off, I would like to apologize for my absence. The holidays were good but chaotic – per usual. Hope you all had happy holidays! As for all of us betrayed spouses who are trying to stay married after our hearts were ripped out…we made it through another year!!! Every day, every hour, every.single.minute counts!!

Anyways

I don’t have a whole lot of time to write but I just wanted to update ya’ll…

So… when other woman were writing about the possibility of running into their husbands whore, I really didn’t give it a second thought…

buuuut… go figure..

I ran into the scuz!  PUKE! (Its been over a year since I last seen her and blasted a soda in her slut face)

We were actually parked right by eachother. (We both have different vehicles – hers being a hunk of junk (literally) so I didn’t know I was parked by her) and in all fairness, I am sure if she knew what I was driving now days she wouldnt have been parked next to me either.

..We were both walking to our vehicles at the same time…

Of course we noticed eachother. I think she literally shat herself when she realized it was me LOL

She looked at me and shook her head.

I smiled and said ” I see they still haven’t taken the trash out”

Honestly, she looked so miserable tho. I couldn’t help but hold my head high. Her life must be as pathetic as it always has been. (of course that is why she tried to steal mine). She looks like she has aged at least 10 years. Looking super scrubby and dressed in rags. I could almost pity the fool but she gets what she deserves.

As she pulled away – she flipped me off.

As for me… I didn’t feel any type of way. My heart didn’t even begin to race. Nothing. Wow… I might just be growing up or at least moving on afterall…

..in response to the bird…

I blew her a kiss goodbye!!

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Inhale. Exhale

I am so tired of trying to make our marriage work. Trying to make our marriage better. Trying to change some of my ways. Trying to understand or figure out my husband, his needs, and our “new” marriage. And more or less, trying to forgive his selfish, tasteless affair.

I just don’t want to care anymore. And really, I think I may just not!

We have both came so far since finding out my husband had been cheating on me. However…this marriage is just sooo much work. Too much work if you ask me. I mean, before knowing that he had betrayed me, I would have put as much work as I needed to in order to make our marriage happy. But, I was not even given that chance before he stepped out (in reality, I didn’t even know he was unhappy – truth is – cuz he wasn’t). And now, the everyday problems that we do have on top of knowing that he is “one of those” (a cheater) … working on being a better him, a better me, and an even better us…is exhausting!!

Its kinda messed up but I am pretty much sure my husband is feeling the same way. Of course, he doesn’t just come out and say it but I sense it in his actions. Which we all know, when it comes to a cheater, their actions speak louder than their words because they are cowards and don’t really say how they feel.

My goal was to make it at least two years since D-day, then I would either re-commit to my marriage or exit myself to the left. Right now, I am just hoping to make it through the holidays.

I havent given up quite yet and I hope I never do…

…but the holidays are so overwhelming and so is marriage after betrayal …

..just breathe!…

You got this T!