It’s All in My Head

I replay it..over. and. over. again….

No, not the disgustingness of my husbands affair (not anymore anyways)..

Actually, I am talking about …divorce. …

My two year deadline of dday is coming up this summer and I would love none other than to say I have committed to my husband and am forgiving him and moving on…with him and us together… however, as of now, I have yet to do either (commit or forgive.)

So…I play out the worst case scenario in my head ..

How I am going to sit him down and have the dreaded “its over” talk..?…

When…?.. (The exact two year date? Our anniversary – beings as it is close to then?…)

Where ..?…(In the comforts of our home?.. maybe a restaurant, but then there is the possibility of causing a scene…)

How to start the convo..?…

What he will say in response to my words..?…

When and if I have this talk, I don’t think a response from him will even be necessary cuz by then…it will be too late…my mind will be made up and there will be no talking me out of it. But still, part of me would love to see him beg for me as I walk away (yet he already has) so with that said, begging will not change my mind. I don’t want to hurt him, yet, I guess I kinda do.  I just want him to feel what he has lost and altho it will be too late for us, hopefully he will have learned a hard lesson ( at the price of my heart) but still, maybe in his future relationships, he will never cause that type of pain again. One could only hope so …

Unfortunately, if I decide to go the divorce route, I think it will come as an all out “surprise” and pure devastation to my husband. Of course, to him, things are good with us. And they are as good as it gets after finding out you are married to a cheating husband, but now, I carry the burden of what my husband has done (did) and I get to live with it, while the truth has set him free. And honestly, his problems, his past, are weighing heavy on me and it sounds refreshing and freeing to just say fuck it and fuck you!

Of course, I do try and think positive. That come the two-year deadline, I will chose to stay and completely move on from his betrayal instead of leaving him. However, when I reenact that scenario, it doesn’t seem as fulfilling. To see the devastation in his eyes when I say I still want a divorce even after he has done everything possible to try and fix his fuck ups seems more on my level.  …kind of twisted… I just  kind of feel  like if I stay with him, I am just settling. I deserved / deserve so much more! I was /am loyal and loving (amongst a ton of other good things) and I expected / expect the same!  .. He knew that as soon as he fucked up one time that I would leave him. He knew the chances he took when he did what he did, yet he still did it. And to say NOW he knows – now he knows what he has and what he will lose –  that’s a fuckin joke too because he already KNEW! He says he kept lying because he didn’t want to lose me,… so he kept doing it?… wtf!! He says because Scuz (the whore) had already had one on him and he felt trapped… so continue doing it..??….um, come again, cuz I dont get it!! Instead, he should have been a real man and confessed the first time I asked so it didn’t continue. I could have accepted and forgave a one time MISTAKE. But to continue on 5 times more and to then even engage in a three-some with her Crusty boyfriend…um… keep it real, that is not feeling terrible, that is not feeling guilty, and that is not feeling trapped!..That isn’t a mistake… that was your god-damn CHOICE!!!

Staying with him means living with his past (which is essentially OUR past). I really cant stand the thought of having flashbacks about this for the rest of our lives together. And no matter how I handle myself, how much he has changed, it – his betrayal, is apart of OUR story together – which makes me wanna throw the fuck up,  throw him the fuck out, and completely re-write my story with a different, hopefully loyal, man!

I can play it out in my head as if it is going to go one way but it will prolly go completely opposite. A victim of my own mind. ..

.. just because its all in my head tho, doesn’t make it any less real…

 

 

 

 

 

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Bye Felicia!!

First off, I would like to apologize for my absence. The holidays were good but chaotic – per usual. Hope you all had happy holidays! As for all of us betrayed spouses who are trying to stay married after our hearts were ripped out…we made it through another year!!! Every day, every hour, every.single.minute counts!!

Anyways

I don’t have a whole lot of time to write but I just wanted to update ya’ll…

So… when other woman were writing about the possibility of running into their husbands whore, I really didn’t give it a second thought…

buuuut… go figure..

I ran into the scuz!  PUKE! (Its been over a year since I last seen her and blasted a soda in her slut face)

We were actually parked right by eachother. (We both have different vehicles – hers being a hunk of junk (literally) so I didn’t know I was parked by her) and in all fairness, I am sure if she knew what I was driving now days she wouldnt have been parked next to me either.

..We were both walking to our vehicles at the same time…

Of course we noticed eachother. I think she literally shat herself when she realized it was me LOL

She looked at me and shook her head.

I smiled and said ” I see they still haven’t taken the trash out”

Honestly, she looked so miserable tho. I couldn’t help but hold my head high. Her life must be as pathetic as it always has been. (of course that is why she tried to steal mine). She looks like she has aged at least 10 years. Looking super scrubby and dressed in rags. I could almost pity the fool but she gets what she deserves.

As she pulled away – she flipped me off.

As for me… I didn’t feel any type of way. My heart didn’t even begin to race. Nothing. Wow… I might just be growing up or at least moving on afterall…

..in response to the bird…

I blew her a kiss goodbye!!

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Inhale. Exhale

I am so tired of trying to make our marriage work. Trying to make our marriage better. Trying to change some of my ways. Trying to understand or figure out my husband, his needs, and our “new” marriage. And more or less, trying to forgive his selfish, tasteless affair.

I just don’t want to care anymore. And really, I think I may just not!

We have both came so far since finding out my husband had been cheating on me. However…this marriage is just sooo much work. Too much work if you ask me. I mean, before knowing that he had betrayed me, I would have put as much work as I needed to in order to make our marriage happy. But, I was not even given that chance before he stepped out (in reality, I didn’t even know he was unhappy – truth is – cuz he wasn’t). And now, the everyday problems that we do have on top of knowing that he is “one of those” (a cheater) … working on being a better him, a better me, and an even better us…is exhausting!!

Its kinda messed up but I am pretty much sure my husband is feeling the same way. Of course, he doesn’t just come out and say it but I sense it in his actions. Which we all know, when it comes to a cheater, their actions speak louder than their words because they are cowards and don’t really say how they feel.

My goal was to make it at least two years since D-day, then I would either re-commit to my marriage or exit myself to the left. Right now, I am just hoping to make it through the holidays.

I havent given up quite yet and I hope I never do…

…but the holidays are so overwhelming and so is marriage after betrayal …

..just breathe!…

You got this T!

 

 

 

Go Funk Yourself

Lately, I have been in a funk..

The smelly aftermath of infidelity funk.

16 months later and I am still feeling funky.  I shake it off for the most part, but it is only temporarily. Every few days or so and there it is again – this funkiness…

The “eff you” and “eff this” funk, I’ve learned to handle this. When something “triggers” my memory and I think funk you, funk you, your cool …Im out funk. LOL This funk comes and goes daily. But at least the funk is here and gone in a quickness cuz I cant stay in the “funk the world” mood for long cuz being a bitter bitch sucks!

However, the should I stay or should I go funk. The constant limbo.This one has really been getting to me.  I can honestly say I just don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be with my man for the rest of my life, but now that he has betrayed me, I am not sure how I feel about being with him for foreverrrrr.  Sounds way too long, if heartbreak is involved anyways….My husband and I are both 31 years old and for infidelity to have already taken place so early on, I cant help but question if my husband has it in him to stay monogamous in the future. Now I’m not saying he is going to go cheat on me right away but to say he will remain faithful to me for another 10, 20, 30 + years … sounds too good to be true or at least questionable and I just don’t think I can be that vulnerable again, with him especially, beings as he hurt me more than anyone could have. I just don’t know…

WHAT THE FUNK!!?

I have given myself a deadline. Yes, 2 years from D-day (cuz that’s what therapists say is a good amount of time). If I have not 100%committed myself to fully staying in the marriage, if I can not find some-sort of forgiveness within me…I will exit myself to the left and no longer fake the funk!

Sorry Not Sorry

I know that my husband is extremely sorry for all of this.

Sorry he lied.

Sorry he broke his vows.

Sorry he betrayed us.

Sorry he hurt his family.

and yes, sorry he got caught.

I truly believe him when he says it. I see it. I feel it – the remorse in his actions. He is so different now. There is a sincerity in his eyes when he looks at me that is meaningful.

…Makes me sad though…

I just don’t have that same empathy towards him.

All one really has is their “word”. And now when he speaks, there isn’t enough value for me. I hear the words that are coming out of his mouth, yet they don’t hold the same meaning to me anymore. They are just words…

I feel bad!

I don’t know how to be vulnerable again.

I mean, my husband has done pretty much everything that could be expected when it comes to repairing our marriage due to his infidelity, yet, its just not good enough. Is it ever going to be? OR is he just not good enough for me anymore??…

I don’t punish him anymore. Or so I don’t think I really do anyways. I don’t discuss it or ask details anymore. (Not even when I am drinking. Since my last post a month or so ago I have tamed thy alcohol induced mouth). Our home life is actually calm again. We are communicating very well, openly and honestly. Our sex life is two thumbs up.

What the hell more can I ask for??

Is it me? Do I not know how to “let it go”? Why can I not accept that he IS sorry and believe that this won’t happen again?

Why can I not forgive him??

At times I feel sorry for him because he is truly sorry and he is trying his hardest to fix all the damage he has done..

but then I think of it all, all what HE has done and how we wouldn’t be in the position if it wasn’t for him in the first place…

and…. then…

there I am

Sorry, not sorry!!

Flash Back

Hi-ho Hi-ho, back to high school I go…

HA. … or so it felt like anyways…

I went to my sons football game on Saturday and saw quite a few people that I attended high school with.

…10 years later….

Some were actually still together with the same person as they were dating when we were in school, which was actually pretty surprising. Most had gained quite a bit of weight (it happens). A couple females had too many babies without being financially or relationship stable. Even though I may not have liked some of them, I actually kinda felt sorry for them. Or I guess, more then that, I had to keep telling myself…who the hell are you to judge!?! . …

what can I say?!..

I was “queen bee” in high school. Still have maintained my appearance. Financially stable and married to the same man I dated in High School. Can’t say the relationship is stable (well, it kinda is now) but its kind of a joke as well. But point being is I haven’t changed much. (Not by the outward-appearance anyways)

With all this said… It made me feel some type a way – seeing lots of people from high school, from my past. Being looked at like I am somebody special.

Where the hell have I been???

I have forgotten who I was! Who I am!!!

So after the football game, out came the high school yearbooks.

Memories!!

And then I began over-thinking. (oh lawdy) LOL

I started questioning myself and where I am at in life. Who I am married to.

WTF am I doing!!??

Me, accepting a lying, conniving, cheating ass husband. !! ??

REALLY!?

Who the eff is this female?  And what have you done with the almighty one 😛

“Will the real slim shady- please stand up” LOL

So…

Wonder what others thought of me after not seeing me for 10 years??..

…watch out now..

looks sure are deceiving!

STFU!

…I am beginning to see a pattern…

I am good about not talking about his affair, not saying that I don’t occasionally bring it up here or there with some little jab but all in all, I pretty much don’t speak about it. However, after the work week, I like to indulge in some cocktails on the weekends. I am noticing that when I get a few cocktails in my system, lately, I have not been able to tame thy mouth. Actually, far from it. I have been spitting venom.  It’s like – I just want to get into the little mind of his cheating brain and figure out with the fuck he was thinking. And yet, when I am sober, I soooo don’t! Actually, I want just the opposite because I know I could never think or care so little to do what a cheater did/does. It’s all just too selfish and distasteful for me.

So, I think I am kinda stuck on my healing process.

Ya, I could never have a cocktail again… But that is dumb. I don’t have a problem with alcohol, so please spare me the lecture. I do however, enjoy a cocktail on the weekends. I just don’t know why I cant keep my mouth shut lately, while I am having a cocktail.

I know I am far from forgiving my husband. But I know I want to someday. And I know by me trying to figure out what went on in his puny lil brain of his while he was being such a pos to me isn’t doing me any good. It isn’t doing us any good. I keep reopening the wound. I don’t like it at all!

And truth is, we have gone over it over and over again, so why cant I just completely let it go!? There is nothing new to be told. He fucked some trailer park trash several times and then continued to entertain the idea for quite sometime after. IS WHAT IT IS! I cant change it. I get it..

So STOP T! Stop replaying it over and over again. Stop thinking – shoulda, coulda, woulda. And stop – stop asking WHY!! It really makes no difference anymore. We are working through it, quit stepping back into the FUNK!

I guess – just one more thing to work on……

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