Go Funk Yourself

/ T

Lately, I have been in a funk..

The smelly aftermath of infidelity funk.

16 months later and I am still feeling funky.  I shake it off for the most part, but it is only temporarily. Every few days or so and there it is again – this funkiness…

The “eff you” and “eff this” funk, I’ve learned to handle this. When something “triggers” my memory and I think funk you, funk you, your cool …Im out funk. LOL This funk comes and goes daily. But at least the funk is here and gone in a quickness cuz I cant stay in the “funk the world” mood for long cuz being a bitter bitch sucks!

However, the should I stay or should I go funk. The constant limbo.This one has really been getting to me.  I can honestly say I just don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be with my man for the rest of my life, but now that he has betrayed me, I am not sure how I feel about being with him for foreverrrrr.  Sounds way too long, if heartbreak is involved anyways….My husband and I are both 31 years old and for infidelity to have already taken place so early on, I cant help but question if my husband has it in him to stay monogamous in the future. Now I’m not saying he is going to go cheat on me right away but to say he will remain faithful to me for another 10, 20, 30 + years … sounds too good to be true or at least questionable and I just don’t think I can be that vulnerable again, with him especially, beings as he hurt me more than anyone could have. I just don’t know…

WHAT THE FUNK!!?

I have given myself a deadline. Yes, 2 years from D-day (cuz that’s what therapists say is a good amount of time). If I have not 100%committed myself to fully staying in the marriage, if I can not find some-sort of forgiveness within me…I will exit myself to the left and no longer fake the funk!

34 thoughts on “Go Funk Yourself”

  1. I SO get this. I’m in the same limbo. I’m just over a year. There has been progress but I don’t know if its going to sustain. I don’t know if we have enough to build a new foundation. I have also given myself a timeline that if I’m not totally committed, its time to move on. How far are you from the 2 year mark?

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    • I too see a huge amount of progress. We are in a real good place as far as our relationship goes, but I am questioning if it is good enough for me anymore. Now that I don’t have rose-colored glasses on, I see many red flags – things that could have been easily worked on and repaired before he chose to step out of our marriage, now seem like way too much work! It has been 16-17 months since “D-day” ..

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      • Ugh. I know exactly how you feel. There has been progress but I wonder if there’s been too much damage to overcome. We had our share of issues before his affair, which I have some ownership in. I contributed to those issues. But the affair -and the aftermath- may be the nail in the coffin. I know that I have a choice (which is nice considering I didn’t have a choice in his affair) in how the rest of my life is lived. Its the struggle of deciding whether to stay or go that keeps me up at night. I wish you the best in wherever your journey takes you. I do think once we make up our minds and then live with it and accept it we’ll find some peace. Your just a few months ahead of me. We’ll get there when we get there, right?

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  2. It has been two and a half years for me and I am still considering the should I stay or should I leave. I made a commitment to stay and work on our marriage a while back, but now I am not seeing what I had hoped to see. Not that he is cheating again, just that the kids and I aren’t his #1 priority. Therapist say 2 years, but the reality is 2-10 years is how long it takes to recover. I know this because I am a therapist. We just don’t ever say 10 years out loud because who wants to hear that?? No one. No one wants to think that they will fell this pain for that long, but the reality is you will until you fully, 100% forgive and that takes a lot of time.

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  3. ahhh – your right – no one wants to hear it could take up to 10 years but thank you for your comment. Two years is two years too long to feel uncertain so that will have to be my deadline. Hoping by then I will have some clarity.

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  5. My H cheated on me first time when he was 31. He then did nothing bad until he was 45 and then he really went to town. I wish I had know he had cheated at 31 because I would then know what to look for when his serious cheating started or then again maybe he might have done some work on why he cheated and may never have cheated again. Who knows.
    At the end of the day you will know what the right thing to do is.

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  6. When I went to a support group for the first time, there were a few people there several years out from the infidelity. I couldn’t imagine still feeling the impact so long down the line, but I’m starting to truly get it. I’m only 6 months out from when I found out, but I feel like the triggers are going to last a long time. I’m only 34 , and I know what you mean about this happening so early into a marriage, but I guess in some ways I’m glad it happened now and not a long time down the line. My eyes are open, and we are learning how to truly communicate in our marriage. I thought we knew how to do that, but I’ve realized where the breakdowns occurred. Not that I’ll take any responsibility for what he did, but I do think we are learning how to communicate and share with each other within a marriage. At least I in my head that makes me feel better…

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  7. Ugh, I relate. If I were to leave, I young enough that I could have a shot for a long, happy marriage with someone else. But would I ever trust that person to stay faithful?!? I want to stay with my husband but I want to be with someone who is faithful to me at the same time. And no matter how great things are now, the one thing he’ll never be able to say is he’s been faithful to me.

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  8. Freud made a distinction between acting out (compulsive re-enactment of trauma) and working through (remembering trauma but reaching an accommodation, allowing for personal change and restored vitality). I think that recovery from adultery oscillates between these two actions. All acting out at the beginning but as time goes on we shift to working through. I’m three years down the line and now, most of the time, I am working through the betrayal. I have more energy, more optimism but I have also changed. So have my expectations. The wound of betrayal will remain with me for ever. Betrayal causes a loss of confidence in the other, whether my husband, or someone else. I’m learning that it is impossible for everything/anything to be as it was before. The worm of doubt remains and is observed in every action. But everyday I make a choice. If I can’t ever have love with trust then I hope to have love without injury. Borrowing the words of Michela Marzano “The essence of love is freedom. Freedom to make mistakes and to get hurt. Freedom to break everything and start over. Freedom of being afraid that everything will end”

    I suspect that many marriages have a trial by fire. This creates an urge to flee, to give in to despair, overwhelming anger or resentment but throwing in the towel can bring loneliness, misery and hardship. In a marriage there will always be compromises, clashes and disappointments in each other, no matter who the other person is. Adultery is a ferocious fire but many happy relationships can encompass infidelity. Something transcends the betrayal. Our actions, often the everyday mundane things keep our love alive or make it die. A marriage can spring back to life by things we do for each other and with each other. The bottom line is we have to ensure that we have a relationship that is bigger than the issue that we are dealing with.

    I recently stopped thinking about how lovely our marriage was before the adultery. I realised it was a crazy idea. That marriage was on a trajectory to adultery! I never once gave a thought to where it might be going, I thought it would just ‘carry on’. But I realise now, you can’t just turn up for a marriage and hope to keep it. You have to work hard in order to earn a loving and faithful marriage. I may have lost the rose tinted glasses but I think my vision has improved dramatically.

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  9. My now ex-husband’s affair triggered my personal rock bottom. I don’t love affairs but I do love finding people that can truly relate and understand what I went through and AM STILL going through. I would love if you and your followers joined me in a book discussion next week! I’m an Affair Recovery and Wellness Coach and recently wrote a book “The Unfair Affair – How to Save and Strengthen Your Marriage, or Move on with Confidence, after Infidelity”. You can find out more here:
    http://www.mywellnesswithwendy.com/book-discussion/. Would love some participation from people who truly understand why affairs are so unfair.

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  10. I’m three years into my break-up. Back when I first heard that it can take up to 10 years to recover, I thought to myself, just shoot me in the head if it takes that long to get through this. But here I am, and what I’ve learned is that the more time that I spend in my new life, the less time my head spends in the life I lost. I understand not knowing if you want to stay or to go. I spent the first year convinced I wanted him back. Then, when he actually wanted me again, I realized, I don’t want him back. What I’d wanted was the trust and intimacy that had existed before he ruined everything. I wanted to feel like he meant it when he promised he’d never hurt me. I wanted to believe him when he said he loved me, that I was the only person for him. I wanted the peace of trust, the knowledge of commitment, the cocoon of being a beloved wife.

    Problem is, he had tainted all of that, and so just keeping him without those things was too much like settling for something that would never make me happy. Even worse, he would always be a haunting reminder of just how easily I had been fooled, how easily I had been discarded once before, and how quickly it could all go up in smoke.

    In the end, I walked away. I may never fall in love again, but if I do, it’ll have a better chance at making me happy than he will ever be able to again.

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  11. I won’t get deep with this, but I’ll ask a question, if you left right now…would you miss him? If the answer is yes, then it’s worth fighting for. If the answer is I don’t know, maybe a temporary separation is in order. Of course, he would revert to being a cheating bastard and unless you stalk him, how would you know? If the answer is no, then do what you gotta do. Even if it’s waiting after the two year anniversary of D-Day. I’ve been cheated on twice. I have never been married because I know how people change overtime. Breakups are bad enough, but divorce with cost more than heartache.

    You deserve to be happy. He is your husband and he should be putting a smile on your face (and the kids) every single day. I get it, marriage has it’s bad days. It isn’t always perfect. I want to say people make mistakes, but fucking a couple isn’t a mistake, it’s selfish behavior and love puts the ones you love first. Where was the love when he was porking those faaaaat asses? He thought he could have it all and would have kept on doing it with them or someone else if you didn’t catch him. He is sorry he got caught, but is he really sorry? I don’t know him, but the more I read, the more I want to drop an anvil on his head. Even more so than the trailer park trash, because as soon as they tried to tempt him, he should have shut that shit down. They were always trash, he became trash when he took that step into infidelity.

    Sorry….I didn’t intend this comment to be intense. I guess it just brought up some old wounds of things that happened to me.

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    • Thank you for taking the time to read through all this bullshit and giving me your opinion. I appreciate it …And, I totally agree with everything you have said. What he has done is definitely not a mistake, it may feel like that to him now, but when he was doing it, he wasn’t sorry. One time, I could have forgave, but fucking them together twice and the whore herself, 4 times. And lets not forget, these were ppl who he would degrade all the time. And yes, the fucking may have stopped at the end of 2012 but he still was letting them both think he was still down. Constantly going out to eat with the guy and gaming with him and sexually engaging in convo on facebook with the slut all the way until I caught it in June of 2014. It was just a matter of time before it happened again. So I totally agree, was he really sorry? I would say not! As much as I would love to keep my fam together and as much as I love him, I know what he is capable of doing and that, let alone, forces me to prepare myself for being without him. I just cant respect someone who would ever do me dirty like that, much less be loyal to them. He is being such a great husband now. Makes me sad but I cant change what he has done and I really don’t think I can just live with it. For now, I am just trying to prepare myself for the single life, one of which I have never lived so I am a lil intimidated but I got this, like I always do. In the end, he is going to hate himself for doing what he did, but with that said, he knew that before he did it.

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