Overthinking

Went on a mini vaycay with the husband. I call it a mini vaycay cuz we stayed in the same state. We went to this 5-star cabin. It was so private and secluded. Just him and I. It was pretty much perfect. We fished our lil hearts out. I had promised myself not to bring up his nasty affair. Did real good but I did slip on the first night. It’s just so hard sometimes when he is pointing out faults in others and how they get what they deserve. Huh? And how he is trying so hard to be good for me/us… like wtf!?! You have to “try” to be good…how does that not come natural?? Somehow we got on the topic of if he ever ran into one of the two scuz buckets (I mean we do live in a small town and they do live about a mile up the road from us, so chances are he will run into them). And the truth is, they would love for him to still join their relationship so it would be up to him to determine that result. He says he wouldn’t even say a word if he ever ran into either one of them. Sounds good, but he is a weak minded man, pretty sure he would jump in their ride and get sucked off by both as all 5 of the trailer park kids watched. Alright alright, pry not but as you can see, I have not a whole lot of faith in his words compared to his actions. Although the affair subject came up, we did get past it and really never mentioned it again on our get-a-way, so all in all we had a real nice time. With that being said, I may not have voiced some of the “triggers” but I definitely had some wondering thoughts…

A thought that was there and gone was… with such a beautiful, secluded scenery… am I having a good time because I am with the one I love? OR could I have a good time with just about anyone because how could I not love such an amazing place??

…Whatev tho … doesn’t really make a difference…

The following weekend home from vaycay, my husbands friend is getting married and he had a bachelor party to go to. Normally, I could have cared less if there was gonna be strippers or if he was gonna be out till wee-morning hours drinking. But obviously my man can not conduct himself like a married man should, so I was feeling “some type of way” about him going. The night before the party, I made some comments that weren’t the nicest, but I cant really apologize for saying how I feel. That’s like saying sorry for keeping it real. The next morning he gave me a kiss and off he went to the bachelor party. He called me as soon as he got off the river and even invited me to the party. I was actually proud of him. I did show up and we stayed for a drink or two then finished the night at our own house and I can honestly say, we had a good night. Glad the bachelor party is over though.

I hate to feel like I need to keep him next to me all the time in order to feel comfortable with his actions. I truly don’t feel as though he is fucking around right now, but when? When is he going to make that decision to break his vows again?? I mean they are already broken at this point. Marriage didn’t keep him faithful, family didn’t keep him faithful, history didn’t play a part, and obviously, I didn’t keep him faithful either…so what will??? He is trying for now, but when will the weak man give up again?????

I don’t want to set him up for failure, but come on now, he failed…

I know I need to just concentrate on the present and not look back on the past but its so hard to invest in someone who now has a history of wrong doing. Of doing ME wrong!

I don’t look at him the same.

I don’t look at me the same.

I don’t look at us the same.

…We are completely different…

..The difference can be a good thing, but it came because of all the wrong reasons…

Catch 22 ay??!!

I don’t have the answers to these questions I think in my mind. Nor do I think I ever really will. Not even really sure if I want to know the answers. Useless thinking… I think. But still.. looking at my husband and our relationship with “doubt” …blows!! I liked it so much more when it/I felt more secure and I didn’t question or overthink everything…..

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5 thoughts on “Overthinking

  1. I don’t think you are overthinking at all. You were hurt in one of the worst ways possible by someone you trusted and loved. What is there to overthink about? Nothing anymore. It is all up for grabs and fair game.

    I hate having doubts too but I guess there isn’t anything I can do about it anymore. This game is not up to me. It is up to him.

    Like

  2. I don’t know him, but I think he’s being good because you are watching him so closely. He doesn’t want to lose you, but if given the chance, he’ll play elsewhere if given the opportunity. It’s not because you’re not good enough, it’s because he’s shady in that department.

    Liked by 1 person

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