Ding! Ding!

I have thought long and hard about the answers to my previous post:

Do I not hurt anymore because I am numb?

I feel as though I have worked through most of the emotions, not just tucked them away, hoping they would never surface again. My husband and I have overly discussed how he even put us in this horror story and how to avoid ever getting put back in the scene again. I have cried, begged, screamed, fought, and gone through every emotion possible after finding out what he had done. So, to say I am numb…maybe in a sense. But I think it is more of acceptance of knowing I can’t change what has been done so I no longer want to feel anything that has to do with it anymore.

Does it not hurt anymore because I just don’t give a shit?

I think I answered that with my next line – I don’t feel as though I have given up … therefore, I obviously still give a shit. I have just let the whole betrayal consume my every thought for so many months that I wish I no longer did give a shit. Why can’t I be one of those females who doesn’t feel as though meaningless sex is the ultimate betrayal? BUT commitment and monogamy is  very important when it comes to key elements of what I want out of my marriage. If I wanted an open relationship, my husband fucking a ratchet whore obviously wouldn’t have hurt so bad. The false promises that he made saying he would forsake all others and all the other lies have now made me very hesitant to be so vulnerable and willing to care and respect someone who was such a disappointment. So for now, it makes me hurt less to brush my shoulder off and say I just don’t give a shit, when we all know, I really do. I just don’t want to be hurt again.

Does it not hurt anymore because my relationship, my husband, “love” just doesn’t really matter to me anymore?

(See above) I have not given up. Obviously, I am still with my husband. Working on making our marriage better every. single. day.  Therefore, my relationship, my husband, and “love” period, still matters to me immensely!! Everything has just changed. WE have came along way since D-day and just because my husband is not the man I thought he was, just because our relationship wasn’t as special to him as he always portrayed, and just because “love” bit me in the ass, doesn’t mean none of it can’t be good. It can, and it will be. I hope we can even say it is better then it was. It is just different.

Does it not hurt anymore because I am healing?

I would like to think – yes! Yet, I know it still can hurt if I want to dig up old dirt. So, I am not taking this healing process for granted. I have my good and bad days but man does it feel good to even say I AM healing. For a while, I wasn’t sure it was going to be possible to find my way through this infidelity torture and stay with my husband. I just didn’t know what the hell to do with my marriage, let alone, what to even do with myself. All the pain was beginning to be just too much for lil ‘o me. However… it didn’t break me and now, I believe I am stronger then I was!!

So, to sum it all up “it hurt because it mattered” and just because “shit doesn’t hurt no more”, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter 🙂

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