Turn The Page

I can finally say… I feel as though I am moving on..

It only took nine months. LOL – I laugh out loud – not because its funny what-so-ever but because it has only taken nine months. Nine months seemed like eternity and it was so very painful. I know I  am not completely through the fucked up mess of emotions but at least I am  starting to see “clearing”. Its like when you have a project of some-sort that you know is going to take a whole grip of time to complete, so you procrastinate even starting. Then, once you start doing it, it takes a while but you start to see progress. It feels good.. and I am feeling better.

Don’t get me wrong, if I have too much time on my hands, where I am alone, and I start to think about the disgusting, tasteless details of his affair, its like my mind won’t let it be just a passing thought. I will sit and obsess over it until it  hurts so bad that I am in tears and oh-so angry as if it just happened. So, I really try not to go there in my mind. Of course, I still have my moments when something is said and the light flashes in my brain or the bell dings, but I may think of that horrible trigger for a hot second then I try to do something that quickly changes my train of thought.

I’m not perfect and I know that I will take two steps forwards and three steps back – occasionally. But as long as I am seeing and feeling progress in regards to myself, my heart.. then I will embrace the baby steps.

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..can’t say never but at least its not often

My husband damaged an innocent soul for some foul play. I know he will never fully understand the amount of pain he inflicted on me. He could never understand that type of pain unless it happened to him, and I am just not that type of person. However, he is being so wonderful now that I know I need to recognize and encourage his behavior because it is important that it doesn’t go unnoticed and / or unannounced. He is being a good husband NOW.

Everything about being betrayed by your lifetime lover and the intense pain it causes is the worst feeling ever!

Letting it go and trying to reconcile with the betrayer is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I pray that I never have to feel such heartache again.

But for now.. I am trying my hardest to stay focused on what I have, not what has happened and what I have lost.

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Keep calm and carry on!

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10 thoughts on “Turn The Page

  1. Awesome! i love positive posts!! They help us all in some little way. I’m having a blah few days and I know my partner is doing everything to make things better. She’s the “perfect” wayward, as ironic as that sounds lol. Keep movin’ forward, there will always be steps back, it happens with anything in life but take more steps forward than back & we will eventually reach our goal 🙂

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  2. I feel you every word. Here I am 2 years later and doing something wrong. Still struggle with images and email detailed from his affair..
    Still hurting and trying to move on and be better. He is a changed man and he loves me,yet here I am having my own playtime with another.
    I feel like a bad kid…I feel lost and in a dark place. I dont recognize who is looking at me from my mirror…yet I will only stop when I will deem it ok.
    Is stupid and wrong….
    I am sorry for your pain…sometimes pain changes us. ..it changed me. I never wanted to be who I am today.
    I’m proud of you. Don let the bad thoughts get the best of you. I think I did and now I struggle.
    But I will find me again
    Hopefully before I destroy another human being.

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    • Your blog hits home I guess. You admit that it is wrong what you are doing but you don’t want to stop at this moment. Your husband had had an affair years before and even though your husband has changed and is a good husband now, it doesn’t erase the past. Would you consider what you are doing as a revenge affair? – somewhat entitled to do what you are doing, like a get-out-of-jail-free-pass cuz your husband did it to you, now its your turn? I try not to let the bad thoughts get the best of me but damn, that shit hurt! I am unsure what I am capable of anymore. How long have you been married?

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      • I don’t think is a revenge affair. I was not looking . Is almost like my pain is always present. ..is almost like I want another man to help me heal…someone that didn’t kill me inside…maybe he would be able to bring me back to life.
        I love my husband…but the pain he caused lingers…and because I forgive him I don’t want him to relieve his mistake everytime I feel sad or have triggers.
        That’s no excuse for what I’m doing.
        I guess…the pain he caused had uncovered a part of me I never knew existed.
        I can be deceitful, I can lie,I can do the things he did….I’m human…no better than him…maybe I am trying to understand how he got himself in trouble.
        I don’t know…I just hurt still.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I have been married for 8 years but with my husband for 11-12 years. We had a real good relationship. I thought anyways. What about yours? How long was your husbands affair?

        OMG – I know exactly what you mean tho. I don’t want to bring it up anymore either but it doesn’t mean its not there. I find myself “overly thinking” about doing the same back to him. Keeping secrets. WE can all be like that…you get what you give right?

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      • He is a good man. But he had been mistreated all his life…he says I’m a saint and he cannot believe how he hurt me.
        Our relationship was good..normal.
        His affair had nothing to do with me…but with his self loathing depression.
        He was angry at the world and got involved with online convos with a whore.
        He just had a piece of a woman that was having sexual interactions with numerous men…all in the same time span.
        So this was just another disaster in his life…except he hurt me,destroyed our relationship and our life.
        He dumped her…this went bad…court,restraining order…she was a nut…that’s beside the point…he betrayed me.
        He begged me not to leave…he’s changed.
        But I still hurt.

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      • I totally get it. The affair had nothing to do with me either, yet I was one of the main characters of the murder scene and didn’t even know. MY husband killed the trust, our vows, and my heart has been damaged. Yet, thankfully, there is love still lingering. So with that alone, I am hopeful but very cautious..

        Liked by 1 person

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