Night after night, I find myself staring at my husband in this foggy haze of deep thought, wondering how someone I once loved so dearly could be just the opposite of who I thought he was . Someone who was so innocent (in a sense), so cute, whom is so loving, so charming, such a good daddy and yet actually be a real piece-of-shit. A lying, cheating, bastard.
I can’t say I was such a fool. Cuz really he didn’t fool me. I was right, the first time I questioned any wrong doing, but I just believed in him, in his word, rather then trusting my self.
When I look at him anymore…I just don’t know…
I am unsure if he is the one I want, the one for me. Who I vow to be honest and faithful to for the rest of my life.?.
I mean, ya, I believe we can get through all this bullshit and I know we still love each other, but the fact remains that he is a cheater. And no matter how I look at it, he can say he loves me to death, but his love is still weak, he has a weak mind, and is a weak person and unfortunately he didn’t love me unconditionally, therefore I don’t feel like that special some one anymore. (That alone, knowing that I am not so special to him, has hurt like none other!)
My sense of security has been rocked by this man!
He has overly claimed how much he loves me but really, I am wondering more and more, is he MY special one anymore??
Do I really want a husband who when the going gets tough, he just quits and throws history, his family, our marriage away?? Shoot, life doesn’t even have to be bad and just cuz a whore presents him with her legs or her mouth wide open, am I always gonna have to question his ability to stay faithful?
Do I want to continue a relationship where there is little to no trust?..
Of course he claims he will never be a cheater again. But ok – he claimed he would never cheat in the first place, so what the fuck makes his promise different this time?
He says living that secret life was horrible and that he would never want to hurt me like that again. And that he doesn’t want to lose his family or me.
But once again, that was all there before and it didn’t stop him so his talk is cheap.
I am still extremely attracted to him, I don’t think that will really ever change. He is undeniably a good looking guy. We look good together. And we make beautiful babies. But, he is not the person I thought he was and part of my attraction was loving the person he portrayed himself to be. Truth is tho, he has proven that he isn’t who he says he is…so my love isn’t as strong as it once was..
Now I am left constantly questioning my own dam self.. is HE still the one?? ..