Still The One?

Night after night, I find myself staring at my husband in this foggy haze of deep thought, wondering how someone I once loved so dearly could be just the opposite of who I thought he was . Someone who was so innocent (in a sense), so cute, whom is so loving, so charming, such a good daddy and yet actually be a real piece-of-shit. A lying, cheating, bastard.

I can’t say I was such a fool. Cuz really he didn’t fool me. I was right, the first time I questioned any wrong doing, but I just believed in him, in his word, rather then trusting my self.

When I look at him anymore…I just don’t know…

I am unsure if he is the one I want, the one for me. Who I vow to be honest and faithful to for the rest of my life.?.

I mean, ya, I believe we can get through all this bullshit and I know we still love each other, but the fact remains that he is a cheater. And no matter how I look at it, he can say he loves me to death, but his love is still weak, he has a weak mind, and is a weak person and unfortunately he didn’t love me unconditionally, therefore I don’t feel like that special some one anymore. (That alone, knowing that I am not so special to him, has hurt like none other!)

My sense of security has been rocked by this man!

He has overly claimed how much he loves me but really, I am wondering more and more, is he MY special one anymore??

Do I really want a husband who when the going gets tough, he just quits and throws history, his family, our marriage away?? Shoot, life doesn’t even have to be bad and just cuz a whore presents him with her legs or her mouth wide open, am I always gonna have to question his ability to stay faithful?

Do I want to continue a relationship where there is little to no trust?..

Of course he claims he will never be a cheater again.  But ok – he claimed he would never cheat in the first place, so what the fuck makes his promise different this time?

He says living that secret life was horrible and that he would never want to hurt me like that again. And that he doesn’t want to lose his family or me.

But once again, that was all there before and it didn’t stop him so his talk is cheap.

I am still extremely attracted to him, I don’t think that will really ever change. He is undeniably a good looking guy. We look good together. And we make beautiful babies. But, he is not the person I thought he was and part of my attraction was loving the person he portrayed himself to be. Truth is tho, he has proven that he isn’t who he says he is…so my love isn’t as strong as it once was..

Now I am left constantly questioning my own dam self.. is HE still the one?? ..

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13 thoughts on “Still The One?

  1. You are still so young and it sucks that this has happened to you. I am a list person and not sure if you are but if you are then this might help. Draw up a list of pro’s and con’s and then work through them giving them some sort of score. It helps me work through emotional issues and puts those emotions into context. I recently got a list from the chump lady site about whether my H’s remorse was real or fake. He scored 45/60. I showed it to him. He agreed he needed to do more work.
    I like your blog and your writing …it has a good sense of humour at times besides being on a subject that just sucks!
    Give it time and stay strong. x

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  2. “Night after night, I find myself staring at my husband in this foggy haze of deep thought, wondering how someone I once loved so dearly could be just the opposite of who I thought he was . Someone who was so innocent (in a sense), so cute, whom is so loving, so charming, such a good daddy and yet actually be a real piece-of-shit. A lying, cheating, bastard.”

    THIS. this is everythign i grappled with end of 2014. I know how badly this sucks in so many ways. My soon to be ex husband is a wonderful friend, great “partner” in life and a fanfuckingtastic dad. but as a husband? a faithful lover? clearly thats not his forte. but i know the stare youre speaking of its almost a disbelief. looking at this person with the same face as before DDay, only to SEE someone completely DIFFERENT.

    im here for you. i hope you are all right.

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    • I look at my husband the same way. 17 years together and I thought I knew him. Recently we were having a discussion about something random and he said “you know me.” I had to bite my tongue. I wanted to scream “yeah I thought I knew you until you went and fucked some 27 year old whore! I don’t know you anymore.” I do though see this man when I look really hard that is trying his best to make me feel loved again. It’s so overwhelmingly miserable to be in this space…

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  3. ya – “the look” – where I just stare..speechless. He will be right there next to me yet I feel like he is so far away- its somewhat of an indescribable feeling when you are looking at the same face yet a completely different person… a couple months ago I would have said that I was absolutely not alright, but now I can at least say I am doing a little better. Thank you for caring.

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    • Its awful. Its like looking at a stranger, letting a stranger touch you. Yet they have been in your life for years. I am hesitant about writing ” known them for years” because if you feel like I do…I am unsure how well I know my husband after all… The man I thought I knew – I would have never thought he would have hurt me so badly..

      Liked by 1 person

    • I am sorry we are both going through such heartache. Shit blows! Can I ask how long have you been with your husband and when did you find out he betrayed you??

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      • 13 years and I found out about the other woman on Valentines Day. The more I dig the more I find. It’s been sorta ongoing for 7 fucking years. No sex or anything physical but he’s been relying on her compliments and attention to boost his confidence. Ibhad no idea. I feel like a fucking idiot. I was living in Disney World I guess. In my own delusional fantasy.
        Sorry for the F bombs. It’s a bad day 😦

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      • Dang. I am sorry. Physical or not, that much communication for so long, is beyond wrong. I too was living in lala land, I guess. Trusted my husband more then I trusted my own instincts. No need to apologize for the “F bombs”, I have a very bad potty mouth ..

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